Got Scandal?: Iowa’s Bottom Nontroversies of 2008

"That's it...say it...say it...don't be shy..."

Like our ancestors the Brits, Americans love a good scandal.

However, unlike the Brits, American journalists and the Sound-Bite Corporate Media Machine are willing to sacrifice real journalism for gotcha journalism, especially in the political realm.

Armed with pens, laptop computers, video cameras, crackberrys, cell phones, tiki-torches and temptresses – journalists, bloggers and concerned citizens have assumed the role of makeshift paparazzi and hit the campaign trail in search of their 15 minutes of fame.

Unfortunately a number of gotcha moments only became controversial when the media, like blood-deprived leeches, clung to the nontroversy and spun it through its continuous loop of 24-hours news, which only contains an estimated 30 minutes of new news according to a recent Political Fallout study.

At the national level John Ridley catalogued a number of the top Nontroversies in 2008.

Meanwhile in Iowa, here are some of the Bottom Nontroversies of 2008:

Muslim Statehouse prayer threatens Christian faithful (outside of Iowa). Iowa’s 2008 General Assembly appeared to start off fairly smoothly with an invocation by Imam Muhammad Khan of Des Moines on the first day of the session Jan. 14. Not until outside agitators, including conservative talk show hosts and anti-Muslim organizations stuck their self-righteous noses in did this become a nontroversy.

GOP voter challenge/suppression of Grinnell College student voters falls short during November election. Ironically, the seeds of this challenge were planted by GOP adversary Sen. Hillary Clinton during the Iowa Caucuses. The Clinton campaign feared, justifiably so, Sen. Barack Obama’s turn out of young voters. Where was Joe the College Student when Obama needed him or her?

Rep. Steve King’s Little Shop of Horrors (A Tone-Deaf Musical). Iowan’s have become accustomed to the 5th district earsore, whose only claim-to-fame is measured in cubic vitriolic spew units (cvsu). Most Iowans have managed to ignore our very own political Master of Horror, hoping that if we ignore him he will simply disappear. Poof! Unfortunately, the national media keep feeding his Napoleon complex by running his nontroversial statements to help bolster otherwise slow nontroversial weeks.

During his "Oh-the-Places-We-Can-Drill" tour of western Iowa, Rep. Steve King pulls out one of his trusty nontroversy props to illustrate why drilling is the best answer to our energy consumption crisis.

Iowa Democrat Party serves up new brand of McCarthyism to Des Moines Register. As if the media needed any help (although given the recent across-the-board layoffs in journalism, maybe they could use a little help from their “friends”) scouring court documents for juicy details of elected officials past foibles, Rep Kevin McCarthy and the Gang delivered a neatly-labeled binder exposing several Republican Iowa House candidates’ backgrounds. Opposition research or good ol’ fashioned Witch Hunt? You make the call, dear Reader. Either way this should help ease the divisiveness of the two sides come Jan. 12, eh?

Gov. Chet Culver’s condo habit. Okay, so the Big Lug has an addiction to vacationing in million-dollar condos in Florida that just happen to be owned by real-estate tycoon Bill Knapp, who in turn happens to be a contributor to Culver’s campaign and longtime family friend of the Culvers. At least Chet admits he has a problem and that he is paying the $1000/week fee for using the Knappster’s condo. I’m sure that ever since he won his gubernatorial bid, the Big Lug has been scratching his head, wondering: “Hmmmm…now that I work for the people of Iowa, does that mean I still get to keep my friends with benefits before I was elected?” Had Chet done what most state employees who went to the Outback Bowl did, cut lodging expenses by cramming 20 people into one condo, some folks may be a little more forgiving of the Big Lug's addicition.

Gov. Chet Culver: "I might as well face it, I'm addicted to heavily discounted million-dollar condos in Florida owned by a major campaign contributor and longtime friend with benefits."

And Iowa's bottom nontroversy of 2008?

“Smokin in the Guv’s Car”: starring First Lady Mari Culver. While the passage of the public smoking ban may have been controversial -- given Gov. Culver other addiction: gambling revenues (Hmmm…I wonder if gaming lobbyists get the same discount on the Knappster’s condominiums?) – catching his mate, Mari Culver, smoking in a state-owned vehicle is by no means as controversial as the media and some Republican lawmakers made it out to be.

Mari admitted to breaking the law, paid the fine and promised she would never do it again.

Admitted adulterer John Edwards unites with admitted smoker in public places Mari Culver during a campaign stop, both sharing the same thought: "God I'd kill for a cigarette right now."

But the nontroversy did not end there. The newly appointed Iowa House Minority Leader Kraig Paulsen used the incident as a springboard to draw the line in the political sand, calling for a probe into whether the state should fund Mari’s police escort service.

As the economic crisis hits home, I’m sure this nontroversy will be a high priority when the legislative session reconvenes Jan 12.

Every Day is Earth Day, eh?

Many moons ago, local Iowa City band, Dagobah (formerly Captain Barney), hit the biodegradable nail on the head with their song, “Every Day is Earth Day.” Unfortunately, the prospect of acting as Mother Earth’s steward 365 days a year was too daunting a task for most Americans, so in 1970, on the 22nd day of April, Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin created Earth Day. After witnessing an oil spill off the cost of Santa Barbara in 1969, Nelson was inspired to make his Earth Day declaration, which has grown to be the largest secular holiday in the world, although remains a distant second to the secular Christmas holiday celebrated in the United States.

Like Hallmark, the creators of Valentines Day who set aside one day of the year when people can think about love and what it symbolizes (greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, and teddy bears with hearts embroidered on their chests), Nelson wanted to earmark one day each year when people could think about the plight of Mother Earth and what it symbolizes (your environmental platitude here).

Similarly, politicians take their environmental cues on Earth Day by trading in their suits for a pair of crisp Carhart jeans, a pair of working boots, and a long-sleeved work shirt (usually rolled up to mid-forearm to indicate that they’re willing to get their hands dirty, but not too dirty, for they have to go back to the office tomorrow morning and spend the next 364 days ignoring environmental issues).

Speaking of ignoring the environment, it looks like Iowa’s 82nd General Assembly has pretty much swept most of the major environmental reforms underneath Mother Earth’s rug, either completely ignoring them or killing them off in committee. Despite overwhelming public support for CAFO (Confined Animal Feeding Operation) Regulation (HF 873), the Trifectaphobic Democrat Majority appears determined to kill this bill, taking their cues from Culver’s newly overhauled Agribusiness Protection Committee. The only major environmentally-related bill still on the table is Governor Culver’s highly touted $100 million Power Fund. Although, given the amount of money raised for Iowa offices in last year’s elections and the descriptor “power,” it’s hard to tell if Culver’s talking about campaign or renewable energy funds.

But we cannot sit around and wait for politicians to take action to protect Mother Earth’s borders; we must take it upon ourselves to ensure Her safety.

Political Fallout’s Things YOU Can Do to Help Protect Mother Earth’s Borders:

1. Whenever somebody tells you Global Warming is a hoax, open up a can of Lysol on ‘em and spray it in their eyes and say, “How does that feel? You think Mother Earth likes it? Huh? Do you? Huh?” (Note: This is a dramatization and is only meant to be played out in your imagination.)

2. Participate in the “Litterbug Catch and Release Program.” Any time you see somebody litter or flick their cigarette butt on the ground, apprehend them and call the authorities, who will arrest them and either release them in the Iowa River or sentence them to hard time in the city land fill (formerly known as “The Dump”).

3. Play a rousing game of “Capture a Young Republican,” whose 2000 Earth Day motto was "EARTH FIRST! We'll log Earth first, other planets later!" Once all the Young Republicans in your area have been captured, have them deported to the Amazon Rain Forest, where we’ve already helped deplete a significant portion of their trees.

4. Bring in Iowa’s National Guard and have both remaining members take turns guarding Mother Nature’s borders around the clock, keeping Her secure from Us 24/7.
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More Earth Day Fallout:

“Basu: Leadership key to environment” (Des Moines Register)

Iowa’s Minority GOP Demands Affirmative Political Action

Senate Republicans are demanding affirmative political action and have accused Governor Culver of regionalism in his Board of Regents appointments. Not one of the appointees is from western Iowa, home of the University of…?

Regionalist Governor Culver announces non-western Iowa Board of Regents to group of non-western Iowa media representatives.

Nobody said living the life of a minority is easy, even in the world of politics. No? Just ask gays, lesbians, bisexual, and transgendered persons in Iowa, who can’t even get basic protections against discrimination added to the state’s civil rights code. And now, having only suffered three harrowing months as the minority party, the Iowa GOP has had enough and intends to stand up for their rights. Senate Republicans have chosen Culver’s Board of Regents appointments as their target, and the epic battle for equality will take place in the Senate chamber. Unless of course Governor Culver is willing to concede one of his appointees before the battle begins, preferably throwing a Democrat under the GOP’s gauntlet. Better that than getting run over by Senator McCain's Straight Talkin' Pandering bus, I suppose.

Armed with her Gel Pen of Justice, Senate Minority Leader Mary Lundby is leading the historic charge, decrying: "We will insist that we have a western Iowa regent, preferably someone who is a physician.We would like to send a very clear message to the governor that we expect a western Iowa appointment. The concern about the regents not having a western Iowa regent is still a very strong concern." I wonder how Iowa’s Lundby would react if Culver appointed a gay physician from western Iowa?

Geographically, the four appointees hail from Des Moines, West Des Moines, Cedar Rapids, and Brooklyn. While central and eastern Iowa is represented, while the western part of the state gets the shaft. But so do the northern and southern regions. Not to mention all four corners of Iowa and Jim Nussle’s ubiquitous fifth corner were neglected by our Regionalist Governor.

It’s a good thing Iowa’s 82nd General Assembly has already solved all of the pressing issues in Iowa (other than Clean Elections, corporate hog lot control, Iowa’s current Health Care crisis, environmental issues, just to name a few), so they can focus entirely on Culver’s Regionalism issues.

The GOP may want to consider other solutions before drawing a line in the political sand. For instance, they should inspire a succession. Just as West Des Moines succeeded from Des Moines and created its own governing municipality, western Iowa should do the same. Western Iowa can formulate its own government leadership and build its own University. I’m sure Rep. Steve King’s son’s construction business would enjoy a no-bid contract to help build the University of Western Iowa.

King Chet’s Quest for $60,000 Topiaries

Having grown accustomed to the manicured lawns and well-kept shrubberies of the proverbial West Des Moines, King Chet has submitted a $60,000 budget request to his Congressional Court (a mere trifle of HSB-261) for two full-time groundskeepers for the Terrace Hill estate. Sheared in two, the two full-time employees will make $30,000 a year – roughly $3,000 more than the average starting pay for Iowa teachers. The grounds of Terrace Hill had been kept by members of the work-release program, whose skills in the field of Topiary Science had left little to be desired by King Chet.

With spring on the horizon, King Chet has already begun the vetting process for the new positions, taking it upon himself to conduct the interviews. When it comes to the topiary sciences and shrubberies, nothing can be left to chance.

Interview with First Pool of Applicants: The Knights of Nee

King Chet Culver (left) conducts interview of Knights of Nee on grounds of Terrace Hill.

(Terrace Hill grounds. Enter the Knights of Nee.)

HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!

KING CHET: Who are you?

HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!

KING CHET: Say what?

HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.

KING CHET: Well, what is it you want?

HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!

KING CHET: A what?

HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!

KING CHET: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery and we, the Knights of Nee, will make a jackass of your shrubbery.

KING CHET: O Knights of Nee, why a jackass?

HEAD KNIGHT: To show you our topiary expertise, Jackass. That’s why.

KING CHET: You are just and fair, I will return with a shrubbery.

HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.

KING CHET: Of course.

HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.

KING CHET: Yes. Money is no concern.

HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!

____________________________

Next Scheduled Interview: Edward Scissorhands

Edward Scissorhands showcases his topiary tools on an interview tape forwarded to King Chet's office.

Mr. Scissorhands shears topiary likeness of the Culver family during preliminary interview vetting process.

Comp. Ed.: “Welcome Back, Culver”

Dean Wormer: "God I hate high school drop outs."

Inspired by the likes of Dean Wormer, the Iowa House Education Committee has decided to amp up the vice grips on high school drop outs by proposing a nonbinding bill that would make it illegal to drop out of high school before turning 18 (HF 6). Currently, Iowa students must stay in school up until they turn 16 – or else! Or else…you know what…! The bill is nonbinding, because the bill does not contain a penalty for dropping out -- other than the implicit penalty of having to face a treacherous lifetime of paying LESS in taxes than a high school graduate. I’m sure this will make a great selling point to aspiring drop outs:

High School Guidance Counselor: If you decide to drop out, not only will your life be a living hell, but you also won’t get the opportunity to pay more taxes. Now think about it. Is this the kind of life you want to live? Huh, is it?

But the bill is not altogether about what’s best for the students, especially if you were to ask Legislative Services Agency analyst Dwayne Ferguson: “A high school graduate will pay an estimated $8,600 more in taxes than a high school dropout over a 45-year work life…”

The big question is who’s going to teach the would-be dropouts? Answer: If Governor Culver signs this bill into legislation, it’s only fitting that he should teach these kids. After all, he'll be the first to tell you that he's the only sitting Governor who has been inside the classroom during the last twenty years.

"Welcome Back (Mr. Culver)" by John Sebastian

Welcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,

But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)

Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot, welcome back,

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

1st Compulsory Class of ’11: Freddie “Boom Boom" Washington (left row), Arnold Horshack (front row), Vincent “Vinnie” Barbarino (back row), Juan Epstein (right row)

First Day of School at West Buchanan High School: Civics 101

(Students strut into class as their teacher, Mr. Culver, finishes writing “Civics 101” on the chalkboard.)

Mr. Culver: Welcome, class. Welcome back to school. I would like to start off by letting you know that while you’re in here, there is no such thing as a stupid question. So, do any of you have any questions?

Horshack: (arm shoots up with dramatic flair) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, Mr. Culver?!!!

Mr Culver: Yes Arnold?

Horshack: (lowers hand and ponders as if lost in thought) Ummm….

Mr. Culver: What is it Arnold?

Horshack: I don’t know.

Washington: (shows off slick smile) Mr. Cul-ver—

Mr. Culver: Yes Boom-Boom?

Washington: How come we gotta be here?

Mr. Culver: Good question, Mr. Washington. (Turns to write on board while rest of classmates high five him for his “good question.” Mr. Culver writes “C-O-M-P-U-L-S-O-R-Y E-D-U-C-A-T-I-O-N” across the chalkboard.) Can anyone tell me what compulsory education means?

Horshack: (Hand defiantly raised) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Mr. Culver: (reluctantly) Yes Arnold?

Horshack: (pauses) I don’t know.

Washington: Is that when we gotta go to school, ‘cuz the Man says we gotta go?

Mr. Culver: That’s one way of looking at it, Boom Boom, but—

Washington: --But I thought you was the MAN, Mr. Culver?

Mr. Culver: Well yes, I am the MAN, Washington, but it’s the law that –

Epstein: Mr. Culver, I got a note for you. It’s from my mother. (He walks up to Mr. Culver and hands him the note.)

Mr. Culver: (reads note aloud) Please excuse Juan from school this year. He has a rare disease that only gets worse when he’s in school. Signed: Epstein’s Mother. Rare disease? Do you mean, Senioritis, Juan?

Epstein: Yeah, that’s it. That’s just what the doctor said, Senioritis. So if you don’t mind, I’ll be heading out to go get my medicine –

Mr. Culver: Epstein, you have to earn enough credits to become a senior before you can actually get Senioritis. (Other students collectively Oooooo…as Epstein takes his seat.)

Barbarino: (completely perplexed) I’m so confused…!

Mr. Culver: Hey, Barbarino?

Barbarino: What?

Mr. Culver: Can you tell us what “compulsory” means?

Barbarino: (feigning ignorance) What?

Mr. Culver: Compulsory? What does it mean?

Barbarino: When?

Mr. Culver: Not when, but what?

Barbarino: Where?

Mr. Culver: Well I think we’ve learned enough for today. Tomorrow we’ll pick up with the latter half of the equation: “education.”

(Bell rings as students strut out of the classroom with a new sense of purpose.)

Surviving Yepsen: Early Signs of Register’s David Branstad

The Des Moines Register’s ONLY paid political columnist, David Branstad, began the new year by dismissing the new Democratic majority.

I know, I know, dear readers. You’re asking: “Don’t you mean David Yepsen?”

No. David Yepsen is showing signs of maintaining his status as the Resister’s Terry Branstad (nicknamed Governor Braindead by many Iowans), Iowa’s former governor who, during the latter two terms of his four-term stint, actually got paid while governing in a catatonic state. Sound familiar, David? Although Branstad was at the top of a list awaiting a personality donor, the P.D.A. (Personality Donor Association) could not find a suitable match during his reign as Governor. (Note: Yepsen is also on Iowa’s P.D.A. list, two spots behind Senator Grassley.)

In 1999, former Iowa Governor Terry Branstad is captured in a catatonic state at a P.D.A. endorsement event for Lamar Alexander.

Using one of Yepsen’s recent columns, “Early signs of Democrats’ Terry Branstad,” let’s highlight some areas that indicate he’s aspiring to Terry Branstad status:

(Read the signs at "Surviving Yepsen")

Culver Has Tough Act to Follow

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrssss...Chet!

As Chet Culver takes the oath and officially takes over the reigns as Iowa’s Governor today, he’ll have a tough act to follow.

No, not Tom Vilsack’s eight year performance as Iowa Governor…

...but the Reverend Al Green’s high-octane soul performance at last night’s Inaugural event, “One Iowa Gala” at Hancher Auditorium in Iowa City.

The legendary gospel, soul, and rock ‘n’ roll performer stole the show, proving he can still hit the high notes and the low notes. The Reverend brought plenty of love to his stage performance, using his voice to woo audience members, myself included, into submission.

While trying to instill "love" in the audience, Rev. Al Green catches Rep. Steve King napping in the crowd.

Let’s hope Senator Mike Gronstal and Representative Patrick Murphy can hone these same skills when they’re wooing the Senate and House chambers for the votes needed to pass key legislation. While Al Green kept “taking us back,” the Democratic House needs to push Iowa forward.

Side Note: Iowa’s very own Tom Arnold emceed the event and attempted to be funny, but took the low road, primarily relying on fat jokes to bolster his comedic efforts.

In addition to the six fat jokes he made (only one was directed at himself), Arnold reminisced with the crowd about his past in Iowa City, reveling in his party daze and his menial job at McDonald's.

In between acts, Tom Arnold teases aspiring comedians/actors in the crowd, dangling his "secret to success" in front of an unamused audience.

And how/why is Tom Arnold still famous?

If you have any insight into Arnold's secret, please unveil your pearls of widom in the comments.