Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Lucy: “Iowa Democratic Majority Suffering Trifectaphobia"

Only 10 days remain in this year’s legislative session in Iowa, and a number of pivotal bills have not only flown under the radar of the Iowa media, but also have managed to find refuge in the DMZ (Democrat Majority Zone). In lieu of sending these bills out into battle, where they can be discussed and debated on the chamber floors, the new Democrat Majority leaders have silenced the bills, condemning them to a fate worse than any imaginable form of torture: Death by Committee! (Note: Death by Committee has been recently banned by the British Parliament, who cited the torture as barbarous and inhumane.)

Although some hope remains, the following bills face the KIC (Killed in Committee) Treatment: Voter-Owned Iowa Clean Elections (HSB 805), CAFO (Confined Animal Feeding Operation) Regulation (HF 873), and the Civil Rights Bill (SF 427).

With the Democrats in charge of both houses and the executive branch of Iowa, these bills appeared destined to pass during this session. But as we all know, nothing is a given in the Underworld of Politics. Perplexed by the Majority’s paralysis, I sought to tap the infinite wisdom of Lucy, an untrained, yet affordable psychiatrist:

Political Fallout: Say Lucy, how come Iowa’s new Democrat Majority leaders are helping kill bills in committee?

Lucy: Isn’t it obvious?

Political Fallout: No, that’s why I’m asking you.

I wish I could help, but I didn’t hear anything hit the bottom of the can?

Political Fallout: (Pulls out a nickel and plops it into can) Now will you help?

Lucy: They suffer from Trifectaphobia.

Political Fallout: Tri-fect-a-what-a?

Lucy: Phobia. That’s right, Trifectaphobia.

Political Fallout: What’s that?

Lucy: Oh, if I only knew… (I plop another nickel in the can). Ah, sweet sweet music to my ears. Trifectaphobia is the fear of losing power and control. Once all of the power and control has been usurped, the new party’s stranglehold manages to slowly strangle itself to death.

Political Fallout: So, it’s like triangulation strangulation, eh? Is there any way to overcome it?

Lucy: (Bats eyes lovingly) A date with yours truly. And flowers, and a box of chocolates, and holding my hand on the playground when everyone is watching, and…

Political Fallout: Oh, brother. Any other remedies?

Lucy: What the people tend to forget is that they have the power, so phone calls and e-mails to their representatives may help ease leaders' Trifectaphobic tendencies.

Political Fallout: And what if that doesn’t work?

Lucy: I suggest voters began feeding them their tails. So, when will you pick me up for our date? (Bats eyes lovingly) Hmmmm?

Political Fallout: AAAAAhhhggggggggg!!!!