Vilsack Trades in Sugar Mamma for Ag Secretary Gig

It looks like Iowa’s adopted son and former governor, Tom Vilsack, has a new benefactor. Vilsack, whose Sugar Mama, Hillary Clinton, was already tagged President-elect Barack Obama’s Secretary State, was named Secretary of Agriculture by Obama.

For those of you who live outside of Iowa or have been blessed with a short-term political memory, Vilsack was the second Democrat to drop out of the never-ending presidential race. He left a $400,000 campaign debt in his wake, which his democratic rival and soon-to-be Sugar Mama agreed to retire with no strings attached – assuming of course there was no under-the-table agreement to deliver Iowa to Hillary, Inc. in exchange for his hefty national co-chair stipend and Obama attack dog duties.

The highlight of Vilsack's failed presidential bid was his V-logo, which drew comparisons to "1984" and "V for Vendetta"

If so, Hillary should be demanding a refund after her third-place finish in the Iowa caucuses.

And now Obama, who is $30 billion in the black, has agreed to help Hillary retire her $7.5 million campaign debt.

Nobody said "The Team of Rivals" was going to be cheap.

Hillary Finds Precioussssss New Voice in NH

After her victory in New Hampshire Tuesday, Hillary Just Hillary turned her victory speech into a public confessional, “Over the last week I listened to you and in the process I found my own voice.”

Hillary practices new voice during Pledge of Allegience before springing it on unsuspecting New Hampshire supporters

This begs the following questions (feel free to use either Hillary Just Hillary’s new voice or her old voice when begging these questions, but do listen to your own voice during the pontification process):

-Where had Hillary Just Hillary’s Voice been hiding (“lost") before the New Hampshire Primary?

-Whose voice had she been using up to the point she had found her voice?

To help address these questions, Political Fallout’s crack Crime Scene Investigators have been scouring the campaign trail for clues and has narrowed down the possible answers:

1. Where had Hillary Just Hillary’s Voice been hiding (“lost") before the New Hampshire Primary?

a) Buried under $400,000 unmarked dollar bills stuffed between Tom Vilsack’s mattresses

b) In a haystack between “Let’s Have a Conversation” and “The Hillary I Know”

c) At the DLC convention in Tennessee, which all the Democratic candidates, including Hillary, skipped to attend the Daily Kos convention in Chicago

d) In a dust-coverd box in the White House attic labeled: “Hillary Rodham’s Stuff – 1991”

e) In Terry McAuliffe’ssssss other pantssss pocketsiessss: “In here preciousssss….me haves your voice precisousss. We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false! “

2. Whose voice had she been using up to the point she had found her voice?

a) A pre-programmed, poll-tested voice concocted from over 5 million sound bites of HillarySpeak, which had also been poll-tested in several political niches

b) Terry McAuliffe's

c) A watered-down version of James Earl Jones's

d) “Tony's” -- Danny’s imaginary friend from “The Shining”: “Amabo…Amabo!”

e) Millli Vanillli's

Take the Hillary Challenge

Here’s a recent sampling of the New Hillary:



So what do you think?

We taste-tested a random sampling of Political Fallout readers and the overwhelming consensus was that they preferred the Classic Hillary over the New Hillary. We reassured them that it won’t be long before the Classic Hillary reemerges on the political shelves. Although, whether the same marketing genius that helped propel Classic Coke back into its frontrunner as the peoples' preferred pop (or soda for Easterners and coke for Southerners) remains to be seen.

On Behalf of His Sugar Mama, Vilsack’s Workin’ Barack Obama

• With Greenwood Elementary School lurking in the backdrop, Hillary announces her $400,000 adoption of Tom Vilsack in exchange for his endorsement

Nobody messes with Vilsack’s Sugar Mama, not even you, Barack Obama.

In light of the recent fallout from the CNN/YouTube Democrat non-debate, in which Hillary and Obama disagreed on how they would handle diplomacy with rogue leaders (not including President Bush, whose “executive privalege” disqualifies him from rogue status), Clinton sicked her attack dog/benefactor on Obama today. Speaking on behalf of his political Sugar Mama, Vilsack told reporters on a phone conference that he was disappointed with Obama, citing discrepancies in some of Obama’s recent statements.:

“I would hope the senator would clarify his comments as to whether or not he is for preconditions or not and would cease and desist from distorting the record and comments of Senator Clinton.”

Cease and desist? Looks like Tommy Boy took no time reverting to his lawyerin’ days with such threatening legal jargon. Personally, I think Vilsack should have sent Obama a note saying:

Hey Barack,

You better stop messin’ with my Sugar Mama if you know what’s good for you. I don’t care what anybody says, sticks and stones do break bones. If you fail do cease and desist from attacking my Sugar Mama, I’ll have no choice but to settle this the old fashioned way at a bike rack of your choice. Just you and me, and don’t even think about trying any of that diplomacy stuff with me, smart guy. Or I’ll have the lean mean DLC propaganda machine spinning you into political oblivion before you know what hit you.

Tom Vilsack
Hillary’s Benefactor

By the way, Hillary Just Hillary, my offer regarding the Political Fallout endorsement still stands. For a mere $100,000, Political Fallout will officially endorse your candidacy. The Fallout bump should be enough to help deliver Iowa. Please contact me via e-mail to convey your wishes. I will not cease nor desist in my quest for your endorsement to endorse you in exchange for a mere pittance of your campaign war chest.

In the meantime, I’d like to give a shout out to Hillary and the other Sugar Mama’s out there in blogland:

Sugar Mama

Doc Fallout’s Spin Machine: Hillary, Inc., Adultery, & Condom Sense

Doc Fallout's Spin Machine

Political Fallout is pleased to announce the recent hiring of its own resident spin doctor, Doc Fallout, who’s been saddled with the responsibility of spinning the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in the political news.

1. Hillary, Inc.: “Forget the Money”

The numbers for the first ’08 presidential filing report are in, and it appears that Hillary, Inc.’s top-down DLC campaign strategy of putting the squeeze on its competitors, forcing them to either merge or throw in the towel, may be on shaky ground. Granted, Hillary, Inc. was able to squeeze fellow DLC competitor Vilsack out of the race, but she did promise to help absorb Vilsack’s $400,000+ campaign debt. A larger concern, one that has sent a ripple of unease trickling down Hillary, Inc.’s top-down organization, is the Obama Factor. Obama’s fundraising campaign has literally erased the gap this quarter (not including the $10 million she duped from New Yorkers for her senatorial race). Hillary, Inc.’s shareholders are feeling a wee bit uneasy, thus prompting the Corporation’s Campaign Chair, Terry McAuliffe, to respond that money doesn’t matter.

Terry McAuliffe: "Ultimately, forget the money. You've got to get votes.”

Doc’s Spin: It’s all about the money. Just ask Hillary’s Inc.’s new national co-chairman, Tom Vilsack.

2. Hollycorn: “Clang! Bring Out Your Adulterers!”

Iowa Lawmakers are debating whether or not Iowans should offer tax break incentives for filmmakers who make their movies in Iowa. As written, the bill has one major sticking point that targets pornographers, although the vague wording “any obscene material” has prompted lawmakers to question what’s obscene and who decides what’s obscene.

Rep. Doug Struyk (Council Bluffs Republican): Brought up "The Bridges of Madison County." He noted that, while the book and movie brought fame to the state, perhaps it wouldn't have qualified for the tax break since its main character - Francesca - had an extramarital affair. Does the movie say that "Iowa is the state of adulterers, or that maybe it's the adulterers of Madison County?"

Doc’s Spin: Who needs fictionalized adulterers when we have real-life adulterers running for public office in Iowa. I've already begun writing a new film treatment with the working title: "The Fifth Corner Affair." The film is based on the sexual exploits of Jim Nussle and Rudy Giuliani as they go on a quest for extramarital affairs in Iowa's famed Fifth Corner of the state. Preliminary casting is already in the works. Buzz Lightyear has already agreed to play Nussle and details are being worked out with Robert Duvall, who will play Giuliani.

3. Iowa Lawmaker Opposes Condom Sense

A bill approved by the Iowa House last week would require the teaching of research-based sex education in public schools.

Rep. Betty De Boef (What Cheer Republican): didn't like the idea. De Boef said that some groups teach inappropriate topics, like instructing students how to put on condoms. "This bill has a hidden agenda," she said. And furthermore, we wonder, who would they get to grade the final?

Doc’s Spin: De Boef is right about the bill having a “hidden agenda,” but that’s the whole point. And as far as who would evaluate students, I recommend John Cleese from “Monty Python’s Meaning of Life.” This should help get the ball rolling.

Doc Fallout is Political Fallout’s resident Spin Doctor and has been spinning the truth before spinning the truth was in vogue.

DLC Merger Complete: Hillary, Inc. Adopts Vilsack

Tom Vilsack, Inc. Officially Merges with Hillary, Inc., Joining the "Other America"

The inevitable finally happened when Democratic Leadership Corporation Diva, Hillary Just Hillary, acquired former DLC Chair Tom Vilsack. Even though Vilsack, Inc. went into the red after its failed presidential bid, Hillary, Inc. went ahead with the merger, promising to help Vilsack pay off his $400,000 campaign debt. Wow, that’s some dowry, eh? Maybe Vilsack should throw in a couple of goats to sweeten the deal. Although this is a mere pittance when compared to the multi-trillion dollar debt our next President stands to inherit, not including the Iraq War Bush threw in for good measure. King George may want to consider throwing in his two daughters as a peace offering.

The world of corporate politics works just the same as the traditional corporate world, meaning there’s no such thing as “money for nothin’.” So how’s Vilsack going to earn his keep? In addition to cleaning Hillary's stables and tendering his public endorsement, Hillary, Inc. gave Vilsack (formerly of Vilsack, Inc.) a title, National Co-Chairman, and we all know that titles work as good political fronts for the laundering of dirty money (e.g. Political Action Committees). Short of having any dispensable goats, Vilsack sacrificed his wife Christie, who was given the title, State Co-Chairwoman. This should help seal the deal; well sort of -- an Iowa Caucus victory for Hillary, Inc. sure would pay dividends for the DLC’s shareholders. Having already sold his soul to the DLC, I’m not sure what else Vilsack could use for collateral, should Hillary lose in Iowa.

To hold up his end of the bargain, Vilsack had already sent a letter to his list of 1,159 (1,059 after 100 of them defected to Edwards during the “Blue Scare”) supporters last week, begging them to help pay off his debt. On Monday, he sent an e-mail to Clinton’s supporters saying he planned to help Clinton win Iowa’s leadoff nominating caucuses.

Golly, that’s all he has to do for $400,000? Where do I sign up? Hillary, if you, or any of your paid supporters are reading this post, Political Fallout would like to offer its services in exchange for $400,000. For the sum, Political Fallout will publicly endorse you, accept a title of your choosing, and send e-mails to all my and supporters and yours that documents the founder of Political Fallout, T.M. Lindsey, will help you win Iowa Caucuses next January. (Note: this is not meant to be satiric, but rather, a desperate plea on behalf of a starving blogger.)

According to Hillary, Inc. spokesman, Phil Singer, Vilsack’s endorsement had nothing to do with helping Hillary's promise to absorb his debt: "One thing's got absolutely nothing to do with the other. They've known each other for years. If she weren't running for president, she'd be doing whatever she can to help retire his debt." I wish I had friends like that. Oh wait a minute, I do. Hillary’s been a dear friend of mine on My Space for a couple of months now. We’re pretty close. I know this, because she sends me bulletins on My Space all of the time. So what do you say, Hillary, you ready to deal with Political Fallout? You know where to find me. I’ll be waiting. Oh the places we will go, Hillary.

While reading Dr. Suess's "Oh, the Place You'll Go," Hillary took a break to capitalize on a "teaching moment" by giving the Greenwood Elementary students a mini-civics lesson. When asked how many major political parties were in the U.S., most students replied either one or two, but Hillary informed them that the correct answer is three: the Republican, the Democrat, and the Corporate (DLC).

Vilsack Expected to Curse Hillary’s Campaign

After being the first to officially drop out of the ’08 presidential campaign, former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack is planning to put a political curse on Hillary’s campaign next Monday. The two notable figureheads of the Democratic Leadership Corporation will co-opt their wonder-DLC powers together in the form of one slightly more notable figurehead of the DLC. The DLC is expected to recognize the cursed occasion by expanding their merchandising and releasing a monolithic bobblehead doll that features both of their likenesses.

Cue sappy music: Reunited and it feels so good…

Hillary and Vilsack co-opt their wonder-DLC powers to curse "The American Dream."

Vilsack worked his Ozlike wizardry in 2004 when he supported John Kerry’s run to the middle, pulling levers behind the curtain -- only to see his plan foiled by a little girl from Kansas and her little dog too. Damn you, Toto! On the other slight of hand, Vilsack’s wife, Christie, openly endorsed John Kerry in the Iowa Democratic Primary, which helped him win Iowa but failed to win the big shabang. Cross your fingers Hillary and pray you don’t win Iowa; this may be the only way to lift the curse.

In the meantime Political Fallout Laboratories is working on an antidote that will reverse the Vilsack curse and plans on selling it to the Hillary Camp for an undisclosed amount of cash.

“The Blue Scare”: Edwards Names Names

Voters Beware: The ripple effect of “The Blue Scare” has begun in Iowa, and the presidential hopefuls are naming names. First Vilsack named names, and now that’s he’s dropped out of the race, John Edwards is naming the names of those previously named by Vilsack. Naming names is catching on and the Blue Menace is lurking behind every political corner in Iowa (or five if you buy into Jim Nussle’s conspiratorial fifth corner theory), waiting to pounce upon unsuspecting Democrat caucus goers.

Granted, like most of the congressional Iraq resolutions, these loyalty oaths are nonbinding and don’t really mean anything beyond political posturing. Once you step behind the curtain, the only binding loyalty is to yourself. Nonetheless, before you sign anything and commit your support to a presidential candidate, keep in mind that you may be “outed” in the future if your candidate decides to name names. Although, should you waver on your support and/or cross over to the dark side, you may be subpoenaed by the Iowa Democratic Party on Un-Democratic Activities:

IDPUDA: Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Republican Party?

Vilsack can be accredited with starting the “The Blue Scare” when he publicly announced that he had a list of 1,159 Iowans who had committed to support him for the presidential nomination. In the wake of naming names, Vilsack also boldly predicted that he would win the Iowa presidential caucuses. But who needs lists when it’s not even about committed support and votes; it’s all about money, eh Tom? Meanwhile, as Vilsack’s former contenders scramble for his electoral leftovers, John Edwards scored some table scraps and named names, releasing a list of 100 names of Iowa Democrats who said they had been Vilsack backers.

Despite its far reaching penchant for political destruction and chaos, I’m not buying into the whole fear-based “Blue Scare” bit. I refuse to live my life in fear, excluding all the scary stuff such as Dick Cheney, a war with Iran, rodeo clowns, and Dick Cheney. Besides, Mr. Edwards isn’t the only one with a list of names. I have in my possession a list of 7,893 names of people who were committed Anybody-but-Bush Backers during the ’04 election. Since Bush cannot run in ’08, these folks have shifted their allegiances to an Anybody-but-Republican campaign, and they’ve entrusted their loyalty to yours truly. Imagine that, now I’m the Decider!

So any of you presidential hopefuls out there who actually read blogs, let alone “Political Fallout,” and want first dibs on my list, I’m listening. I’ll be waiting for your e-mail. Remember, I have 7,893 good reasons why you should contact me. And please don't get any funny ideas about threatening me with a rodeo clown; I 've written down a contingency plan for dealing with such matters.

The “War on Toms” Was About Friends and Only Friends

A week has passed since Tom Vilsack dropped his presidential bid. This coupled with an ice storm and subsequent loss of power has helped me come to realize that I needed to end the My Space “War on Toms.”

Since I declared war on Tom Vilsack and My Space Tom, the “friend gap” has only widened at a disproportionate rate. At last count Vilsack had reigned in 1330 friends, while I had yet to reach triple digits. Had I taken a traditional political campaign route and was more willing to prostitute myself for votes, I could have broken the 100 Friend Threshold by approving four “adult entertainers” who requested to be my friend. Fearing the possible repercussions of joining these inner-networking circles (e.g. a STVD, or Sexually Transmitted Virtual Disease – not to be confused with OCBD, or Obsessive Compulsive Blogging Disorder), I opted to disapprove their requests.

And then Obama and Hillary invaded My Space, stepping up their war efforts, and the ’08 My Space Race has never been the same since. I could no longer compete with these virtual rock stars. Everything on My Space has changed, and unfortunately the My Space Race has become to a great extent all about friends, a lot of friends. It is clear to me that I would not be able to continue making new friends in the amounts necessary to sustain a viable Friend War. So making friends and only making new friends is the reason I’m ending the “War on Toms.”

Bye, Bye, Vilsack…

It appears Tom Vilsack’s Rodney “No Respect” Dangerfield approach to gaining name recognition and winning the presidential nomination will come to an end today. Former Governor Vilsack is set to announce that he’s dropping out of the race. The competition for the Democrat nod priced Vilsack out of the race. But looking on the bright side, how many former governors have been on “The Daily Show” and Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show”? This is truly inspiring; it almost makes me want to run for governor of Iowa, serve two terms, then announce I’m running for president. This may be the only way I could land a spot on “The Daily Show.”

You better watch out Chet; my quest to appear on “The Daily Show” may be running through your office en route to Stewart's. You better hope Mr. Stewart invites me to be on the show before the next election…

We’re Not Quoteworthy!!!: ‘Fallout’s Weekly Political Revue (No. 2)

Clean Out of the Presidential Nomination Gate, Joe Biden Trips Over Own Tongue

No sooner than Senator Joe Biden announced he’s running for president, Biden tripped over his own tongue. When asked about Obama’s candidacy, Biden said, “I mean, you got the first mainstream African American [presidential candidate] who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."

Prior to officially announcing his candidacy, Joe Biden announced “He’s Going to Be Joe Biden.” Not only is Biden facing a self-identity crisis but he never really knows which Biden will open his mouth. The first step in building name recognition is the ability to recognize your own name.Fortunately, the other Biden has media outlets to help whitewash his comments and clarify what he really meant to say had he been Joe Biden when he said what he said. John Stewart attempted to help Joe find himself on the "Daily Show":

Christopher Rants Flips While Political Grandstanding

House Minority Leader Christopher Rants is having a hard time adjusting to the minority party. It’s hard out there for a minority, eh Christopher? It appears Rants has assumed the role of subversive jackass to:

a) undermine the Democratic Majority,
b) lay groundwork for possible run for Rep. Steve King’s congressional seat,
c) set stage for movie remake of “F.I.S.T.,” or
d) none of the above, Rants has always been a jackass?

Rants recently sent letters to thousands of small businesses in Iowa, decrying about the Democrats’ “fair-share” proposal which would “require non-union members to contribute the cost (the fair share) of the union representing them as required by law when they have a dispute with their employer.”

Rants’ response: “…(this) would mean tens of thousands of Hawkeye workers would be forced to fund corruption-prone organizing drives and a limousine lifestyle for union bigwigs . . . And the union czars don’t want to give an account for the confiscatory taxes, destructive laws and straitjacket regulations propped up by their forced-dues-funded political machine and their handpicked politicians.”

Keep your eye in the rearview mirror, Mr. King, Rants’s limousine (paid for by Big Tobacco and other special interest groups, who have found solace in Christopher’s pockets) is coming to getcha…

“Rock-Star” Metaphor Becomes Cliché

While speaking to Fort Dodge Democrats on Saturday (the same day Hillary spoke at a Mega-Town Hall meeting in Des Moines), Tom Vilsack openly admitted he’s not a rock star:

"Well, I'm not a rock star," he continued. "You already know that, but you know what? I'm rock solid."

Thanks to the phenomenon of Senator Barak Obama, the media has concocted the rock-star metaphor, mixing politics with rock ‘n’ roll. Unfortunately there has been a trickle down effect. Despite the recent wave of politicians courting rock stars on their campaign, most voters know that the two don’t mix. In act, mixing the two can be downright lethal (Warning: watching either one of these videos may be hazard to your health and/or political sensibilities. View with caution.):

Hillary Clinton Sings the Star Spangled Banner


John McCain Sings Streisand

“War on Toms” Update: Study Group Recommendations

Despite the limited “War on Toms” effort on my end, it appears the “Friend Gap” has dramatically widened over the past three weeks. I’ve only managed to befriend 21 people altogether, adding 11 friends in the past three weeks whereas Tom Vilsack has filled his war chest with 849 friends. Granted, I have landed some “friends in high places” which include Ed Fallon, RFK Jr., and just to spite Vilsack, I’ve befriended John and Elizabeth Edwards.


Meanwhile, My Space Tom’s numbers have grown exponentially, outgrowing the number of recorded births on our planet each day. If My Space Tom can maintain this pace, he will have befriended the entire earth’s population by the year 2025. Quite conceivably, any child born thereafter will already be My Space Tom’s friend before they’ve left the womb. Now that’s impressive!

If I want to win the “War on Toms,” it’s clear I can no longer depend on my adoptive “stay-the-course” strategy. My “War on Toms” policy must change, otherwise I risk losing my self esteem and the faith of those Friends who have already committed themselves to the “War on Toms.”

To help combat Tom Vilsack’s recent surge in “Friends,” I’ve formed a non-partisan “study-group” to look into the My Space quagmire and draft a report which offers suggestions on how I can close the ‘Friend Gap.” The group has finished conducting their studies and has made the following suggestions:

The My Space “War on Toms” Report* (excerpt):

Bring the Friends Home: This policy would call for friends to stop making friends on My Space, shifting the focus on making friends in person in lieu of acquiring virtual friends. Critics of this policy contend that too much has already been invested in the “War on Toms” and we cannot leave My Space until the mission is accomplished. According to My Space Tom’s Secretary of Defense, “A withdrawl of friends indicates a sign of weakness, sending the message to our enemies that we can live without virtual friends. Besides, an immediate withdrawl will certainly guarantee an outbreak of civil war between My Space and Facebook.”

Increase Friend Recruitment: The “War on Toms” has taken a serious toll on Friends by stretching friendships too thin, so it’s imperative to replenish and rebuild the active Friends foundation. One way to increase the potential recruitment base is to loosen up the My Space Friend requirement such as accepting convicted felons and illegal immigrants, and by lowering the I.Q. cut off for potential Friend applicants. Another tactic to consider is using My Space Tom’s “Window Dressing” ploy, which carefully screens Friends' comments and only posts comments from young, eye-alluring Friends – who are either scantily clad or looked as if they just walked off the set of “The O.C.”

Please help by joining the war effort at:

http://www.myspace.com/politicalfallout

A Surge in Friends: This policy, albeit the least popular, would call for a surge in more Friends and deploying them to My Space hot spots (i.e. The Two Toms’ My Spaces). Critics fear this will only escalate the “War on Toms,” thus widening the gap.

*The full report is awaiting publication at Barnes and Noble Publications and will hopefully be released in the not-so-distant future.

Vilsack’s “V”: What’s in a Letter? (Part I)

The following is excerpted from the Democratic Leadership Corporation’s theatrical work-in-progress, The Tragedy of Hillary and Vilsack:

HILLARY

‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy,--
Thou art thyself, though not a Vilsack.
What’s Vilsack? It is not hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? That which we call a Republican
By any other name would smell of defeat…

& VILSACK

Since Governor Tom Vilsack announced he is running for President, there’s been more buzz about his campaign logo than his actual candidacy. Regardless of what people are talking about, they're still talking about Vilsack – for now, anyhow. The big question still remains: What’s up with the “V”?

To look deeper into this, Political Fallout will unfold a V-part series which examines the possible subtext, allusions, hidden meanings, and/or prophetic implications of Vilsack’s “V”.

Alluison #1: “V for Vendetta”

Vilsack’s allusion to the symbolic “V” in “V for Vendetta” is by no means a coincidence. As V, the film’s main character states: “I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidence.” Both the film and Vilsack’s run for the presidency share a number of similarities. V and Vilsack are planting the seeds for a people-powered revolution in November, in which the people overthrow the reign of an inept regime fueled by the moral hypocrisies of right-wing extremists. Hmmm…sound familiar?

The symbol “V” itself is derived from an upside down “A”, similar to that of the Anarchists’ symbol, so the question is whether or not Vilsack is subconsciously inciting a grassroots anarchy, or better yet, an upside-down grassroots anarchy:

Vive le DLC!
Vive le DLC!!
Vive le DLC!!!

Weapons of MassiVe Destruction: Political Vernacular

V: In his vivacious quest for a revolution, V is well versed in the King’s vernacular and uses V-inspired alliteration when introducing himself and vexing villains:

"Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

V also has a tendency to invoke Shakespeare quotes to appeal to the valiant tastes of the more civilized revolutionaries:

"The multiplying villainies of nature do swarm upon him...(Skipping four of the original lines) Disdaining fortune with his brandished steel/which smoked with bloody execution..." (Macbeth 1.2.17-18)

"We are oft to blame in this. 'Tis too much proved that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar o'er the devil himself." (Hamlet 3.1.46-49)

"And thus I clothe my naked villainy/With old odd ends, stol'n forth of holy writ;/And seem a saint, when most I play the devil" (Richard III (play) 1.3.336-38)

"I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none." (Macbeth 1.7.17-18)

Vilsack: must also use a fine-tuned, well-scripted vernacular to overcome his pundit prophesized long-shot status -- if he’s to win the Democratic Party nod. Peppering his speeches with Shakespearean and Shakespeare-inspired quotes might help further Vilsack’s political cause as well.

Political Fallout Prophecy: After a fourth place finish in the Iowa Caucuses, Vilsack, wearing a replica of V’s mask, mounts the stage and gives a speech to fire up his DLC base:

"Thank you. Thank you all. I would like to begin with a quote from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night, 'Conceal me what I am, and be my aid. For such disguise as haply shall become the form of my intent.'"

(A bewildered audience looks on as Vilsack takes a dramatic pause. When the cheering and clapping subside, followed by an uncomfortable silence, he drops to his knees, hands clasped in forgiving prayer, Vilsack looks up to the sky as if searching for answers and/or divine intervention.)

I defy you, DLC!
I defy YOU!!!

(Vilsack stands up, rips off the mask, tosses it into the audience, and exits stage left. Moments later he donates the rest of his campaign war chest to Barak Obama’s bid for the White House.)

Vilsack Denies He’s the Boogeyman

“A Nightmare on Elm Street,” begat Freddy Kruger, “Halloween” begat Michael Meyer, “Friday the 13th” begat Jason, “Child’s Play” begat Chucky, “The Night Before Christmas” begat Oogie Boogie,” “The Bush Dynasty” begat Dick Cheney, and now “The ’08 Iowa Caucuses” has begotten our own Boogeyman, Governor Tom Vilsack.

I'm your boogie man, that's what I am.
I'm here to do whatever I can.

Despite rumors circulating on the national political scene that Tom Vilsack’s presidential bid will “scare off” the competition in the Iowa caucuses, Vilsack denies he’s the Boogeyman. Vilsack issued an open invitation to a national cable audience: "I think every candidate for president who's interested in being the President of the United States needs to come to Iowa and we need to campaign together.”

This said, I wonder what other potential Boogeymen and/or Boogeywomen will rear their heads and enter the presidential race -- emerging from underneath the bed or basement stairs, a dark closet, an abandoned warehouse in Texas, the oval office, or an undisclosed Wal-Mart near you.

The big question for Iowans is: Do we have enough room for more than one Boogeyman? After all, we already have our own Boogey man and “Master of Horror,” Rep. Steve King.

I'm your boogie man a-ha
I'm your boogie man a-ha
I'm your boogie man a-ha
I'm your boogie man a-ha
WOOO!OOOh aaah
OOOh aaah