Hillary Finds Precioussssss New Voice in NH

After her victory in New Hampshire Tuesday, Hillary Just Hillary turned her victory speech into a public confessional, “Over the last week I listened to you and in the process I found my own voice.”

Hillary practices new voice during Pledge of Allegience before springing it on unsuspecting New Hampshire supporters

This begs the following questions (feel free to use either Hillary Just Hillary’s new voice or her old voice when begging these questions, but do listen to your own voice during the pontification process):

-Where had Hillary Just Hillary’s Voice been hiding (“lost") before the New Hampshire Primary?

-Whose voice had she been using up to the point she had found her voice?

To help address these questions, Political Fallout’s crack Crime Scene Investigators have been scouring the campaign trail for clues and has narrowed down the possible answers:

1. Where had Hillary Just Hillary’s Voice been hiding (“lost") before the New Hampshire Primary?

a) Buried under $400,000 unmarked dollar bills stuffed between Tom Vilsack’s mattresses

b) In a haystack between “Let’s Have a Conversation” and “The Hillary I Know”

c) At the DLC convention in Tennessee, which all the Democratic candidates, including Hillary, skipped to attend the Daily Kos convention in Chicago

d) In a dust-coverd box in the White House attic labeled: “Hillary Rodham’s Stuff – 1991”

e) In Terry McAuliffe’ssssss other pantssss pocketsiessss: “In here preciousssss….me haves your voice precisousss. We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false! “

2. Whose voice had she been using up to the point she had found her voice?

a) A pre-programmed, poll-tested voice concocted from over 5 million sound bites of HillarySpeak, which had also been poll-tested in several political niches

b) Terry McAuliffe's

c) A watered-down version of James Earl Jones's

d) “Tony's” -- Danny’s imaginary friend from “The Shining”: “Amabo…Amabo!”

e) Millli Vanillli's

Take the Hillary Challenge

Here’s a recent sampling of the New Hillary:



So what do you think?

We taste-tested a random sampling of Political Fallout readers and the overwhelming consensus was that they preferred the Classic Hillary over the New Hillary. We reassured them that it won’t be long before the Classic Hillary reemerges on the political shelves. Although, whether the same marketing genius that helped propel Classic Coke back into its frontrunner as the peoples' preferred pop (or soda for Easterners and coke for Southerners) remains to be seen.

Doc Fallout’s Spin Machine: Hillary, Inc., Adultery, & Condom Sense

Doc Fallout's Spin Machine

Political Fallout is pleased to announce the recent hiring of its own resident spin doctor, Doc Fallout, who’s been saddled with the responsibility of spinning the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in the political news.

1. Hillary, Inc.: “Forget the Money”

The numbers for the first ’08 presidential filing report are in, and it appears that Hillary, Inc.’s top-down DLC campaign strategy of putting the squeeze on its competitors, forcing them to either merge or throw in the towel, may be on shaky ground. Granted, Hillary, Inc. was able to squeeze fellow DLC competitor Vilsack out of the race, but she did promise to help absorb Vilsack’s $400,000+ campaign debt. A larger concern, one that has sent a ripple of unease trickling down Hillary, Inc.’s top-down organization, is the Obama Factor. Obama’s fundraising campaign has literally erased the gap this quarter (not including the $10 million she duped from New Yorkers for her senatorial race). Hillary, Inc.’s shareholders are feeling a wee bit uneasy, thus prompting the Corporation’s Campaign Chair, Terry McAuliffe, to respond that money doesn’t matter.

Terry McAuliffe: "Ultimately, forget the money. You've got to get votes.”

Doc’s Spin: It’s all about the money. Just ask Hillary’s Inc.’s new national co-chairman, Tom Vilsack.

2. Hollycorn: “Clang! Bring Out Your Adulterers!”

Iowa Lawmakers are debating whether or not Iowans should offer tax break incentives for filmmakers who make their movies in Iowa. As written, the bill has one major sticking point that targets pornographers, although the vague wording “any obscene material” has prompted lawmakers to question what’s obscene and who decides what’s obscene.

Rep. Doug Struyk (Council Bluffs Republican): Brought up "The Bridges of Madison County." He noted that, while the book and movie brought fame to the state, perhaps it wouldn't have qualified for the tax break since its main character - Francesca - had an extramarital affair. Does the movie say that "Iowa is the state of adulterers, or that maybe it's the adulterers of Madison County?"

Doc’s Spin: Who needs fictionalized adulterers when we have real-life adulterers running for public office in Iowa. I've already begun writing a new film treatment with the working title: "The Fifth Corner Affair." The film is based on the sexual exploits of Jim Nussle and Rudy Giuliani as they go on a quest for extramarital affairs in Iowa's famed Fifth Corner of the state. Preliminary casting is already in the works. Buzz Lightyear has already agreed to play Nussle and details are being worked out with Robert Duvall, who will play Giuliani.

3. Iowa Lawmaker Opposes Condom Sense

A bill approved by the Iowa House last week would require the teaching of research-based sex education in public schools.

Rep. Betty De Boef (What Cheer Republican): didn't like the idea. De Boef said that some groups teach inappropriate topics, like instructing students how to put on condoms. "This bill has a hidden agenda," she said. And furthermore, we wonder, who would they get to grade the final?

Doc’s Spin: De Boef is right about the bill having a “hidden agenda,” but that’s the whole point. And as far as who would evaluate students, I recommend John Cleese from “Monty Python’s Meaning of Life.” This should help get the ball rolling.

Doc Fallout is Political Fallout’s resident Spin Doctor and has been spinning the truth before spinning the truth was in vogue.