Thursday, March 29, 2007

DLC Merger Complete: Hillary, Inc. Adopts Vilsack

Tom Vilsack, Inc. Officially Merges with Hillary, Inc., Joining the "Other America"

The inevitable finally happened when Democratic Leadership Corporation Diva, Hillary Just Hillary, acquired former DLC Chair Tom Vilsack. Even though Vilsack, Inc. went into the red after its failed presidential bid, Hillary, Inc. went ahead with the merger, promising to help Vilsack pay off his $400,000 campaign debt. Wow, that’s some dowry, eh? Maybe Vilsack should throw in a couple of goats to sweeten the deal. Although this is a mere pittance when compared to the multi-trillion dollar debt our next President stands to inherit, not including the Iraq War Bush threw in for good measure. King George may want to consider throwing in his two daughters as a peace offering.

The world of corporate politics works just the same as the traditional corporate world, meaning there’s no such thing as “money for nothin’.” So how’s Vilsack going to earn his keep? In addition to cleaning Hillary's stables and tendering his public endorsement, Hillary, Inc. gave Vilsack (formerly of Vilsack, Inc.) a title, National Co-Chairman, and we all know that titles work as good political fronts for the laundering of dirty money (e.g. Political Action Committees). Short of having any dispensable goats, Vilsack sacrificed his wife Christie, who was given the title, State Co-Chairwoman. This should help seal the deal; well sort of -- an Iowa Caucus victory for Hillary, Inc. sure would pay dividends for the DLC’s shareholders. Having already sold his soul to the DLC, I’m not sure what else Vilsack could use for collateral, should Hillary lose in Iowa.

To hold up his end of the bargain, Vilsack had already sent a letter to his list of 1,159 (1,059 after 100 of them defected to Edwards during the “Blue Scare”) supporters last week, begging them to help pay off his debt. On Monday, he sent an e-mail to Clinton’s supporters saying he planned to help Clinton win Iowa’s leadoff nominating caucuses.

Golly, that’s all he has to do for $400,000? Where do I sign up? Hillary, if you, or any of your paid supporters are reading this post, Political Fallout would like to offer its services in exchange for $400,000. For the sum, Political Fallout will publicly endorse you, accept a title of your choosing, and send e-mails to all my and supporters and yours that documents the founder of Political Fallout, T.M. Lindsey, will help you win Iowa Caucuses next January. (Note: this is not meant to be satiric, but rather, a desperate plea on behalf of a starving blogger.)

According to Hillary, Inc. spokesman, Phil Singer, Vilsack’s endorsement had nothing to do with helping Hillary's promise to absorb his debt: "One thing's got absolutely nothing to do with the other. They've known each other for years. If she weren't running for president, she'd be doing whatever she can to help retire his debt." I wish I had friends like that. Oh wait a minute, I do. Hillary’s been a dear friend of mine on My Space for a couple of months now. We’re pretty close. I know this, because she sends me bulletins on My Space all of the time. So what do you say, Hillary, you ready to deal with Political Fallout? You know where to find me. I’ll be waiting. Oh the places we will go, Hillary.

While reading Dr. Suess's "Oh, the Place You'll Go," Hillary took a break to capitalize on a "teaching moment" by giving the Greenwood Elementary students a mini-civics lesson. When asked how many major political parties were in the U.S., most students replied either one or two, but Hillary informed them that the correct answer is three: the Republican, the Democrat, and the Corporate (DLC).