White Elephant Alford Trying to Unload White Elephant

While conducting a housing search in the Iowa City area, I inadvertently set the minimum price at $1.5 million. Given my current blogger salary at “Political Fallout,” this didn’t seem too unrealistic, although I was trying to find something under a cool million. My search yielded two results, one a humble abode for a mere $1.9 million, while the other was listed at a less modest $1.65 million. I looked into the latter property and discovered it belonged to the University of Iowa’s former basketball coach, Steve Alford. The property had been assessed at $1.3 million -- approximately the same amount Alford banked last year (after factoring in all his bonus perks) while leading the Hawkeyes to…?

It looks like the 2006 White Elephant Final Four finisher has his own White Elephant to unload. Oh, the irony of it all. Who knows, maybe there’s a market in Iowa City for somebody looking for a palatial 9,396-square-foot house, which boasts 6 bedrooms, 28 total rooms, an in-ground pool, and a half-court gym. Alford had me until half-court. Given the Hawkeyes’ full-court troubles under Alford’s reign, I won’t settle for anything less than a full-court gym in my house.

Alford’s realtor, Lepic-Kroeger Realtors, may want to consider thinking “outside the paint” when unloading this White Elephant outside shot. Assuming they’re positioned to make the $350,000 differential, LKR has some wiggle room in their marketing strategy. I suggest having the property rezoned and pitching it to Core Fitness or the U. of I. athletics, marketing the house as an auxiliary fitness center. Or they can extend the half- to full-court, and maybe then I’ll seriously consider putting in a bid. Although, how the realtors plan on exorcising the Hawks’ Nest Demons is well beyond my scope of expertise. I suggest not telling anyone and keeping the gym closed off during open houses, thus silencing the Demons, momentarily anyhow.

Iowa’s White Elephant Alford Passed Off to New Mexico

As the sacred saying goes, “One state’s abandoned White Elephant is another state’s treasured White Elephant.” The University of Iowa’s basketball program received an early Christmas present when Steve Alford announced he was off to Lobos’ land to help spread his black and gold Midas touch to unsuspecting New Mexicans. Who knows, Maybe Alford will be a perfect fit for New Mexico basketball, but only God knows, and given God’s smoting of Alford and his family while flying to New Mexico, the signs from above aren’t looking good for the Lobos.

After an impressive Final Four finish in Political Fallout’s 2006 White Elephant Awards, it looks as if Iowa’s Million Dollar Baby has become New Mexico’s Million Dollar Baby. Alford signed a 6-year deal that will pay him $975,000 annually -- just shy of a million bones, but don't you fret, I’m sure other perks will push him well over the million-dollar milestone. The salary, nine times as much as Governor Richardson’s, will make Alford the state’s highest paid employee.

Not everyone in New Mexico is happy about the acquisition of the White Elephant and the gift that keeps on taking. Republican state Sen. Joe Carraro weighed in with his thoughts: “I think it’s absurd. The UNM medical school can’t afford to hire a neurosurgeon because most of them won’t move for less than $500,000 a year, but we’re going to pay a basketball coach almost twice that amount? Things are out of control at UNM. They are making some terrible decisions with the state’s money.” Carraro’s looking at this all wrong; he should seriously consider working out a Nike deal for UNM neurosurgeons. What could be more therapeutic than seeing a smiling Nike swoosh logo staring at you when the anesthesia wares off after brain surgery. Better yet, what about spearheading neurosurgeon camps during the summer? Nothing says “cha ching” like a bunch of teenage neurosurgeon wannabes running around UNM dormitories, wielding scalpels overhead and yelling, “It’s Alive!”

Why Alford has sought a change of scenery remains a mystery. Despite Alford’s insistence that his decision was some sort of transcendental calling, Political Fallout has other insights as to why Alford flew the Hawk’s nest:

1. Alford wanted to be physically closer to his mentor, Bobby Knight, thus preparing for an epic battle -- precluded by a father/son reconciliation involving a battle of egos and the smashing of chairs. The battle would end with Basketball Master Knight saying, “Steve, put the chair down. I am your f**cking father, you little piece of sh*t.”

2. Iowa City businesses threatened to put economic sanctions on Alford and his family, cutting them off from their usual “freebies” until Alford landed the Hawkeyes in the second round of the Big Dance.

3. The U of I could no longer afford buying up all of the anti-Alford websites.

On a final note, Political Fallout would like to impart the following words to --

University of New Mexico: God bless and God save you.

Steve Alford:

Na-na na-na-na na na na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye

Hey hey-hey, goodbye Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye

Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye

Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.

The University of Iowa: Political Fallout is NOT for sale.

'Fallout 2006 White Elephant Awards

“Political Fallout” proudly presents: The 2006 White Elephant Awards...

The Gifts that Keeps on Taking…

Traditionally, a white elephant is a valuable possession whose upkeep exceeds its usefulness, and it’s therefore a liability. The term derives from the sacred white elephants kept by Southeast Asian monarchs. Since then, a white elephant has taken on other connotations, especially in the U.S. where they’re rare – unless used to reference the GOP elephant after a lopsided defeat (e.g. 2006 midterm elections). Americans may also participate in a white-elephant gift exchange, wherein participants give away something they’ve had trouble giving away for whatever reason --usually because they received it as a gift from a close friend or relative, thus deeming the gift sacred-by-association (e.g. a sequined Christmas sweater from a great aunt, a porcelain Liberace statue from a grandmother, or a penis-shape toothbrush holder received from the maid of honor at a bachelorette party).

Without further adieu, here are the 2006 winners:

(Warning: Please remove shoes and socks before entering the “Money Pit” and swim at your OWN Risk!)

5. Iowa Values Fund: $50 million

This economic development gift became a hot item during the Democratic Primary race, when gubernatorial candidate Ed Fallon not only called into question the number of supposed jobs created, but some of the Fat Corporate Cats (e.g. Wells Fargo (left) who received some of the funds ($10 million in 2003). Granted, the Wells Fargo Arena did draw me into Des Moines to see the legendary rockers Bruce Springsteen and The Who, but my experiences at the concession stands (One Brat + One Beer = priceless) told me that Wells Fargo could’ve managed quite well without the Values Fund handout. (White Elephant set to expire in 2013)

After playing a scathing rendition of Pete Seeger's "Pay Me My Money Down," The Boss flips off the Wells Fargo corporate cronies stowed away in the luxury skyboxes.

4. Steve Alford: estimated upkeep = $1 million/year

Had Alford’s heavily favored team made it past the first round of the NCAA tournament last March, the Hawks could have passed this White Elephant off to some other sucker looking for a Bobby Knight clone to help revitalize their program. So what does outgoing athletic director, Bob Bowlsby, give Alford for blowing it? Answer: A one-year extension on his contract, which included a 16.7% bump in his annual base salary to $500,000. Add this to his endorsement deals, camps, apparel contracts and income from his radio show (he actually gets paid for this?), Alford’s annual salary is estimated at $925,000. In addition, Alford gets a longevity bonus of $300,000 each year he stays in his position. So what does Bowlsby’s replacement, Gary Barta, do to reward Alford? He extends his contract one more year, meaning we’re stuck with Alford until at least 2011. Not bad for the third best team in the state of Iowa this year (assuming the Hawks could beat the top ranked high school teams).

3. Outlawed Touch Play Machines: $40,200,000 (est. 6700 banished machines x $6000 = $40,200,000)

You can touch, but you cannot play. Iowans and politicians got very touchy about TouchPlay machines this year (even more so than the onslaught of bad puns on blogs). Both houses passed and Vilsack signed legislation in 2002 that opened the doors to TouchPlay machines, and businesses, who made good-faith agreements with the Iowa Lottery, invested in the machines at about $6000 a pop. Cha Ching! Within a year, TouchPlay machines began popping up all over Iowa, turning convenient stores into Super Convenience stores where patrons could buy food, cigarettes, alcohol, and also gamble at one stop. How convenient indeed. And now that the machines have been banished, lawsuits filed by businesses have been popping up in their absence. Although, no business has yet to win a suit, the state has to keep its lawyers’ coiffeurs full so they can defend the blitzkrieg of litigation. Who knows how much this will cost Iowa’s taxpayer in the future.

2. Iowa Rainforest (Earthpark):$180 million (-$50 million federal earmark)

Like the proverbial yuletide fruitcake, Grassley’s pet-earmark project keeps getting passed around, this years’ exchange being between Coralville and Pella – the latest proposed site of the Dutch Amazon Rain Forest. Move over Tulips, this town ain't big enough for the both of us. The initial costs of Earthpark are estimated at $180 million. While Senator Grassley has procured $50 million of the start-up costs, the burden to run this operation will inevitably fall upon the taxpayers, assuming the venture runs in the red. If the project ever goes through, it will probably go under within five years, before being outsourced to South America, where the day-to-day operations will be much cheaper.

1. The Occupation in Iraq Costs (Iowa): $2,693,615,000