A Bike to Work Week Survivor’s Guide

Bike to Work Week (BWW) is nationally recognized May 12–16, however, Carbon Footprints Without Borders does not recognize any perimeters placed on the reduction of one’s emission of greenhouse gases.

That said, I did participate in this year’s BWW for the first time, and I have been biking to work ever since. Yeah, yeah, I know; they got me. It was only a matter of time before the Johnson County bicycle community ensnared me from the world of the Motorist Muggles, although for the record, the abduction was consensual.

During the first pedal-rotation of my journey, I made several rookie mistakes and imagine I will continue to make many more. With this in mind, I would like to impart some advice, hoping that you, dear reader and potential BWW convert, will not follow in my carbon footprints and make the same mistakes I did.

1. Preparation is the Key

This should go without saying, but I had to say it anyway. I will skip over the obvious (e.g., a bicycle) and focus on the two most important elements of biking attire: bike shorts and helmet. True, biking shorts may not be the most aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but on a pragmatic level they may one day save your life. Ask anyone who has ridden a day of RAGBRAI without biking shorts what I’m talking about, and you’ll find your answer. Better yet, ask their proctologist.

Wearing a helmet should be a no-brainer, but Americans have always harbored a libertarian streak and choose to ride without helmets, thus grasping the delusional reins of freedom’s last ride. Whenever one of my sons spots a bicyclist or motorcyclist not wearing a helmet, he asks: “Dad, why aren’t they wearing a helmet?”

This prompts my patented response: “Well, son, it appears they don’t have any investments to protect.”

2. Avoid Reading Online Comments Responding to Articles about Biking

I’m perplexed and shocked by how many people out there, especially in the anonymous abyss of cyberland, harbor deep-seeded animosity toward bikers. Reading these comments will only serve to exacerbate any fears a biker may have about being run over by a road-raged motorist, whose life may have been inconvenienced by having to temporarily slow down for a biker.

“Four Wheels Good, Two Wheels Bad!”

During BWW, Greg Beaumont, of West Des Moines, submitted the following editorial, “Bikes and Traffic Don’t Mix” to the Des Moines Register:

It's another ill-conceived Bike to Work Week. We just returned from Phoenix, where they have an abundance of bike lanes. This helps a lot, but it's still dangerous, particularly at intersections and driveways. In business portions of our metro without bike lanes, organizers have no business putting everyone at risk. Biking is great, but not on city streets during rush hours.

Beaumont’s letter served as a springboard for anonymous commenters to unleash their inner beast and hatred for bicyclists, while some of the more extreme commenters went as far as to suggest and/or advocate committing vehicular homicide.

Jules 1965 wrote:

In the town where I live [Carroll}, I have to tell you there are some days I would just love to tap a bicyclists and hope they fall over.…use the trails or get off the streets and roads as I don't need to be hitting you accidentally of course…

But of course… “Four Wheels Good, Two Wheels Bad!”

Bloghead wrote:

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand stinking times: Bicyclists do NOT belong on the roads with 10,000 pound death traps…

“Four Wheels Good, Two Wheels Bad!”

Moreover, shocktheallah wrote:

...You fools want to mess with 4000lb vehicles, then expect the consequences....

“Four Wheels Good, Two Wheels Bad!”

Given this wrath, bicyclists can only hope these commenters’ mothers don’t ever let them out of the basement. Better yet, they should stay locked up indefinitely, but for humanity’s sake, they should be allowed a monthly conjugal visit form the Geek Squad to have their computers fully serviced.

I’m not quite sure where all the animosity toward bikers comes from, but it appears that the hatred is spawned by anecdotal evidence of a biker who did not obey the traffic laws, therefore all bikers are evil lawbreakers.

Jules1965 wrote:

They don't belong on the streets with cars, especially if they are not abiding by the rules of the road. There is always one cyclists in town who seems to think he can go through every stop sign there is and I'm waiting for the day he gets hit...

Now Jules1965, lest we forget the wise words from our predecessors:

“He who hath not committed a moving traffic violation, cast the first 10,000 pound death trap.”

3. Plan Your Route Safely, not Geometrically

In the geometric world, the shortest distance from point A to point B is a straight line, but this doesn’t always translate well in the bike world. For bikers, the quickest route is not always the safest route. Because I live in an exiled community between Tiffin and Coralville, I have no other choice but to share the road with motorists on a two-mile stretch of Highway 6, where the speed limit is 55 miles per hour.

This stretch of highway, which has no bike lane or spacious shoulder (see pic below), has served as a deterrent to my biking desire in the past. The stretch feels like a 2008 version of “Death Race 2000” – a cult classic film about a brutal cross-country car race where pedestrians are run down for points. I imagine a high school English teacher wouldn’t score a lot of points, but when you throw blogger in the mix, I’m willing to bet my point status shoots up, for there aren’t many of us who leave the couch, let alone ride bikes.

My fear of being run down and killed came into fruition last summer when a red pickup truck tried to run me off the road. You know, to send me a message or somethin’: “Next time yous won’t be so lucky, biker boy.” I did manage to get the license plate number and called the police, which probably only fueled his hatred for two-wheel obstacles.

If I survive this stretch, I’m blessed with the Clear Creek Bike Trail, which, after four miles, pretty much takes me to the promised land: work.

4. Ride with Your Mouth Closed

Similar to remembering to let go of the rope upon falling while waterskiing, keeping your mouth shut while biking should seem obvious. Nonetheless, I have trouble remember either one. I must, subconsciously, have some repressed desire to eat bugs. Thanks to this year’s wet winter and spring, there is an overabundance of bugs to feed upon, thus circumventing the need to add protein to my breakfast dietary needs.

Mosquito Flats: Home of second largest breeding ground of mosquitos in Johnson County (located on Clear Creek Trail)

5. Take the Pain

Unless you are already in decent physical shape, you will feel the pain, and it’s best not to think about it. Otherwise, the pain will inevitably consume you and serve as a pre-emptive excuse to not bike to work the following day.

6. Reward Yourself, Frequently

We are champions at deluding ourselves into believing such fanciful thoughts as democracy is democratic, this is the year the Chicago Cubs will finally do it, and by golly, I deserve something special for working so hard. The latter is where your own personal reward system kicks in. As part of the official BWW, sponsors threw a party at the end of the week to reward bikers for participating.

The party held at Old Brick Church in Iowa City, however, did not count toward RAGBRAI training, because beer, although samples from Millstone Brewery were provided at no charge, could not be purchased and consumed in mass quantities as part of the biking process.

“Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad!”
“Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad!”

Appendix A: BWW by the numbers:

Number of commuting miles pledged: 61,135

Estimated gallons of gasoline saved: 3,396

Estimates amount of money saved on gas: $12,465

Appendix B: Lone Bicyclist of the Apocalypse Index

Number of miles I covered during BWW: 63

Estimated gallons of gasoline saved: 2

Estimated amount of money saved on gas: $7.34

Unsolicited gestures from passing motorists: Zero

Total carbon footprint reduction: Priceless

Anticipated legal fees for defending myself in Mastercard parody lawsuit: Priceless

Every Day is Earth Day, Eh?

Question: Why is this man crying?


Possible Answers:

A) He’s being exploited yet again, only this time for the Public Service Announcement Complex devoted to guilting people into turning the station or investing in Tivo (I smell a conspiracy here…)

B) Pennsylvania voters prolonged the Democratic primary at least two more weeks

C) George W, Bush is STILL President of the United States

D) He had his Superdelegate status stripped from him when he endorsed None-of-the-Above

E) Victim of poetic justice in that Earth Day only gets one day out of the year, while poetry consumes an entire month

On that note, this post will pause for a public-service Haiku to honor National Poetry Month:

Junk science, my ass:
The Profits screamed “I’m on fire”
From the Burning Bush!

Now back to our regular deprogramming...

F) Michael Johns was unjustly ousted from “American Idol"

G) His Bon Jovi compact disc melted on the dashboard of his 1972 wood-paneled station wagon

H) George W. Bush is STILL President of the United States

I) He’s still BITTER about you know what; but we cannot talk about you know what, because doing so would admit that you know what actually happened and this would lead to us asking: You know why?

Answer: All of the Above

GOP Lawmakers Give ‘Selves ‘Time Out’

(Disclaimer: Above picture is a dramatization. Any likenesses to actual GOP lawmakers is merely coincidental and/or happenstance.)

In an attempt to stall a controversial vote to change Iowa’s collective bargaining laws for public employees, GOP senators gave themselves a “time out” and set themselves to their room. However, unlike Max in “Where the Wild Things Are,” they were not denied their supper. Iowa Independent’s Jay Wagner reports they ordered pizza from Pizza Hut last night and had access to their laptop computers, so they could watch March madness.

I wonder if “Time Outs” were on the table when they negotiated their employment contracts with the state of Iowa and Iowa voters?

Golly, I wish I could give myself a time out, order pizza and watch television on the taxpayer’s dime.

Eighty-Four-Minute Hate: Rove Makes Bank at UI Lecture

(Click) “Shameful!...” “War Criminal!...” “Liar!...”

And so began the Eighty-Four Minute Hate at the University of Iowa, reminiscent of George Orwell’s Two-Minute Hate in “1984,” featuring Karl Rove, former member of President Bush’s Inner Party, and those who have come to despise him.

1984: Two Minute Hate



Take this and mulitply it by Forty-Two and you have:

Abridged Video of Karl Rove’s Eighty-Four Minute Hate (filmed by Iowa Independent’s Adam Burke)



While serving under Bush, Rove, dubbed “The Architect,” was credited with helping orchestrate Bush’s campaign victories in 2000 and 2004. For his behind-the-curtain efforts, The Wizard of D.C. has been lauded as a political-strategy genius on the right, while some members on the left, who are still scratching their heads and asking themselves how Bush could get elected not once, but twice, have conceded this title.

However, not everyone has been impressed with Rove, who, for the left has metamorphosed into the Poster Boy of Hate, temporarily usurping the Throne of Hate from current Inner-Party member and reigning vice president, Dick Cheney.

And now, while the Inner Party and its chief monetary benefactors, The Military Industrial Complex, keep profiting from pumping fear and hate into the economy, Rove has left the Inner Party, at least literally, and has begun testing the private market value of hate by peddling his wares on the lecture circuit.

While the Bush administration’s Orwellian Two-Minute Hate consists of projecting interchangeable figureheads such as Osama bin Laden, North Korean Dictator Kim Jong II and Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on the television screen, Rove’s has hit the road with his live rendition of Eight-Four-Minute Hate. At a nominal speaking fee of $40,000, audience members get a chance to spew their contempt for Rove in a public forum.

Such was the case at the UI when Rove took the stage and was greeted by a chorus of boos and cheers. The latter consisted of Rove’s supporters, who not only came to see Rove but to hate on the haters. The evening’s hate fest went something like this:

Heckler shouts question at Rove, who responds by attacking the question, followed by more attacks from the audience, thus inspiring Rove to attack the questioner, which drew applause from his supporters, which drew boos from his haters, and the cycle repeated itself as the hate momentarily subsided until the next round of hate began.

The Architect’s plan was working. Rove had become a performance artist reminiscent of comedian Andy Kaufman, who exploited hate mongering for monetary gain. When Kaufman’s career turned to professional wrestling, in particular wrestling women, his target audience grew a certain disdain for him, yet paid to see him perform anyhow.

Andy Kaufman wrestles a 327 pound woman



Rove has adopted the same formula, but in order for this formula to be successful, you need an audience.

The UI community provided just that as members of the UI Anti-War Committee staged protests beforehand, local peace activists attempted to conduct a citizen arrest of Rove, and random audience members used the event to voice their unsolicited disdain during the Eighty-Four-Minute Hate.

And like a clown at a carnival dunk tank, Rove egged on the audience and made fun of the hecklers, oftentimes forgetting that he’s not a trained professional comedian. His attempts at witticism never rose too far above the coping crutches of the I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I caliber. The same could be true for some of the comments shouted at him from the hate groundlings, thus perpetuating the hate cycle and negating any possibility of an intelligent discourse. Granted, the latter would put a damper on Rove’s new shtick, driving down his market value on the college lecture circuit.

If the anti-Rove movement really wanted to make a statement, they should have silenced him by not showing up or attacked him with a surge of love. The profit margin for espousing love is nominal at best, unless of course you are Hallmark.

Filling up the IMU only serves to legitimize Rove and verbally attacking him plays into his hands, not to mention it does little to end the war in Iraq.

Hopefully, Rove’s lecture appearance at the UI will serve as a blueprint for what not to do for future colleges that plan on paying him to come speak at their respective institutions. The best way to usurp Rove’s power is by turning off the Eighty-Four-Minute Hate.

After all, just because Big Brother is watching doesn’t mean we have to.

(Click. White Noise.)

Tracy Morgan Serves Up “Bitch” Retort to Tina Fey’s Hillary Endorsement

The battle of words in the Democratic nomination race took a new turn during last night’s episode of “Saturday Night Live” as the battle between former SNL cast members heated up.

At a loss for words, I’ll let the video clip speaks for itself.

Tacy Morgan Commentary on SNL’s “Weekend Update”:



This begs the question: “If a bear gets bitch-slapped in the woods, does it make a sound?”

Will McCain ‘Denounce’ and ‘Reject’ Bush’s Endorsement?

Like young misguided lust, political campaigns can be such “sweet sorrow,” especially when it comes to endorsements. Bush, whose disapproval rating has nearly bottomed out, save those still on the White House Payroll (including Iowa’s very own Jimmy the Hustler), invited John SIDNEY McCain over for tea and crumpets before dropping an endorsement bomb on John-Boy’s head.

“Bomb, bomb, bomb…bomb, bomb McCain's bid…”

At one point during their political tryst, Sydney and Walker were spotted walking and holding hands en route to the White House garden. Caught unawares by a White House photographer, the two pulled their hands away like a couple of fifth graders who everyone in the school knew were “going with each other,” but tried to conceal their public displays of affection nonetheless -- fearing they may get caught and everybody would find out what they already knew (see pic above).

Despite the political airs put on by Sydney and Walker, which culminated with the exchange of their political vows, the Democrats were not fooled by their convenient reconciliation. The Democrat attack machine took a Herculean approach to the newly forged alliance and used the occasion to warn voters about the latest Neocon-Hydra Monster (aka John SIDNEY* McCain) lurking in the political cesspools surrounding D.C.

Knowing full well that cutting Bush’s head off will merely result in two heads growing back, the Democrats had to devise a new plan of attack: “A Surge of Liberals!”

McCain: McSame as Bush

Jump the Shark: Clinton’s Grassroots Movement Becomes Parody of Itself?

Maybe Hillary Just Hillary’s top-down campaign strategy of keeping a tight leash on any semblance of a grassroots movement wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Letting go can be very dangerous, and it looks like her grassroots peeps had their jump-the-shark moments in the YouTube world. (Jump the Shark: an allusion to the moment during the TV series, “Happy Days,” in which the Fonz jumped a shark on waterskis (see video below). Verb: For something, often a television show, to have a significant storyline development whose ridiculousness or incredibility signifies that the series has lost its previous quality.)

Fonzie Jumps the Shark



In what appears to be an attempt to rival Obama’s grassroots video, “Yes We Can,” Hillary Just Hillary’s across-the-river grassroots camp made its own set of videos. After several viewings, Political Fallout’s investigative video team (the very same team which has been analyzing “recent” Osama bin Laden tapes to determine if it is indeed bin Laden or an unemployed actor from LA named Gary) has yet to determine whether the Hillary-inspired videos are parodies of pop culture songs or merely parodies of themselves. (Note: Both videos have been sent over to England, where they are currently being used for “Operation Clockwork Orange” -- an experiment trying to reverse behavioral disorders among London’s unruly droogs.)

We’ve juxtaposed the videos with actual parody videos, hoping you, dear readers, can give us any insight into the sources and/or intent of these videos. (Warning: Viewer discretion is advised and Political Fallout cannot be held responsible for the destruction of anyone’s aesthetic sensibilities due to viewing any one of these videos in its entirety. View at your own risk.)

Hillary & Hillary



PINE - Laverne & Shirley Theme



Hillary 4U&Me



The Chaser Decides "The Jackson 5 ABC" Parody