The Stimulus-Plan Dating Game: How Big is Your Package?

This week “The Stimulus Plan Dating Game” hits the Senate floor for another rousing round of monetary courtship between We the Taxpayers and our three contestants, who are vying to lay claim to the Taxpayer’s Mega- Jackpot.

Before we begin, let’s meet our three contestants:



Contestant No. 1: Like most American Taxpayers, Contestant No. 1 started his illustrious career with good intentions, lobbying on behalf of responsible corporations in D.C while simultaneously moonlighting as an ACLU lawyer. Once swallowed by the D.C. political culture, Contestant No. 1 had no chance of escaping the abyss of greed, unless he was vomited from the underbelly of Greed’s stomach – which coincidentally brings Contestant No. 1 here today.



Contestant No. 2: Discovered burning a hole in a pocketbook near you, our second contestant takes pride in his elasticity skills and ability to help Americans slide headfirst into Bankruptcy.



Contestant No. 3: Although unborn, our final contestant has a great deal at stake here today, since the ultimate burden of this week’s Mega-Jackpot will fall on his or her shoulders. Due to communication issues, Contestant No. 3’s responses have been recorded by an ultrasound machine, which translates the sonic airwaves into English.

Without further adieu, let’s begin our first round of The Stimulus-Plan Dating Game:

We the Taxpayers: Contestant No. 1, if you were an economic stimulus plan, describe to me what our first date would look like.

Contestant No. 1: First, I would pick you up in our company’s private jet, hybrid of course, and fly you to an undisclosed location in the Cayman Islands, where I would wine and dine you with the best that American money can buy. After dinner, we would enjoy side-by-side Swedish Massages, during which you would tell me about all the dream legislation you would like to see Congress enact – with your name on it, of course. Exhausted from looking so deeply into your eyes and pretending to care, we would head back to our own rental island for a nightcap and romantic evening as I try to lobby you into bed.

We the Taxpayers: Wow, Contestant No. 1, you really know how to treat a Taxpayer. So I take it we’ll be going Dutch? (laughs at own joke as audience joins in, laughing at own expense) The same question goes to you Contestant No. 2.

Contestant No. 2: Let’s just say if you choose me, the sky’s the limit with your credit line. And no more annoying late fees, if you know what I mean (winks at audience, which takes cue and laughs). As if you had rubbed a bottle and wished for me to come out and sweep you off your feet, I will slide into your life and pick you up for a magic credit card ride. Unlike Contestant No. 1, I will let you decide where our magic credit card takes us. With me, you can charge your dreams and watch all your worries slip into the next Congressional Bailout.

We the Taxpayers: Sounds great, but unfortunately I am afraid of heights --- (pauses for comedic effect) -- high Annual Percentage Rates that is (laughs at own joke as audience joins in). Contestant No. 3, since you haven’t been born yet and the thought of talking to an incubator over dinner and conversation sounds a little embarrassing, I will ask you a different question. If my eyes were matching crystal balls and you looked into them, what type of future do you see for us in, say 40 years?

Contestant No. 3: (through translator) I see China. Everyone on earth speaks freakin’ Chinese, including you and me and this ultrasound Speak-Easy you sick bastards have jammed down my throat. I hope I’m never born, and if I am, I swear to God I will be a Libertarian.

We the Taxpayers: Wow, so young, yet so cynical Contestant No. 3. I think somebody needs an infusion of Hope (laughs at attempt to make joke).

Thus ends the first round of The Stimulus Plan Dating Game. Tune in for the next round to see who indeed has the biggest package? (laugh track here)



Originally posted on sister site Say Something Funny

Satirists Mourn Loss of Bush

Satirists' Battlecry for past 8 years: "Speak, Bush, speak..."

While Tuesday’s changing-of-the-presidential guard was billed as a day of Hope for most people, there was a melancholic ripple in the satiric force. Satirists, who could always depend on the former President George W. Bush to feed their muse in times of desperation, had their satiric crutches pulled out from beneath them with Bush’ stage-left exit.



George W. Bush, disguised in an Osama-like beard, could not allude a pack of wild satirists on his trip to Texas,where he plans to hibernate indefinately. Bush eventually turned on the mob and told them he was done and they repsonded dumbfoundedly: "What now, George?"



President George W. Bush: 2001 - 2009

"That’s all I have to say about that."

Top 10 Things Overheard at Barack Obama’s Inauguration

President Barack Hussein Obama's 2009 Inauguration: "Where's Waldo?"

My quest for winning a David Letterman “Late Show Online” t-shirt continues after a disappointing, yet hopeful attempt at last week’s online Top Ten Contest, which featured the topic: “Top Ten Least Popular New Products at the Consumer Electronics Show.”

After readers weighed in, one actually bribing me with a pound of flesh if I submitted “Life-sized, remote-control mime” (I guess some people out there have a thing for electronic mimes), I went with the top online vote-getter: Bernard Madoff Money Changer.

Among last week’s winners, Bernard Madoff did make the final cut at the No. 1 spot with “New Video Game: ‘Grand Theft Madoff.’”

Undaunted, I will continue my quest to win the holy Late Show Online t-shirt, but again, I cannot do this alone— so I’m soliciting your help, dear reader. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me choose the ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning this week.

Be sure to indicate your choice in the comments section at the end of the post.

This week’s Top Ten topic and list:

Top 10 Things Overheard at Barack Obama’s Inauguration

10. “Excuse me, but could you please point me toward the Washington Monument?”

9. “Frosty malts! Get your frost malts!”

8. “George W. Who?”

7. “Freebird!”

6. “HOPE: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.”

5. Aretha Franklin: “You want R-E-S-P-E-C-T? Talk to the hat, baby.”

4. “Whew!”

3. “I heard Michelle leased her dress from Sarah Palin?"

2. Dick Cheney’s backstage Dr. Strangelove impersonation: “Mein Fuhrer! I can walk!”

1. “Pssst, wake up George. Your reign is over.”

Don’t forget to let me know (in the Comments) which one of these I should submit.

Originally posted on sister site Say Something Funny

Obama Should Elope to Detroit for Inauguration

If President-elect Barack Obama really wants change I can believe in and to break away from politics-as-usual, I suggest running off to the Motorless City for this year’s Inauguration. A good ‘ol fashioned elopement is the perfect way to bite your thumb at tradition, especially when the expectations for a traditional marriage between a Man and an Executive Branch (that’s what it says in the Constitution, so it must be true) grow exponentially by the nanosecond.



Motor City or Bust: "I got other plans D.C."

Estimates for this year’s inaugural bash are pushing the $150 million envelop, not to mention it’s BYOBMCHPPTPH (Bring Your Own Beer, Makeshift Cardboard House, Porta-Potty, Toilet Paper & HOPE). You would think the Inaugural Committee could stretch this money and throw in a couple of kegs and a sleeve of plastic cups.

However, like the federal budget, most of these funds have been earmarked for defense and homeland security purposes. By security I mean party crashers. And by party crashers I don’t mean bitter and/or disgruntled Republicans, rather twenty-somethings who still go to high school keggers, Ryan Seacrest and those pesky Mad Maxian party crashers from the 1980s cult classic film “Weird Science.” Regarding the latter, everyone knows, at least those of us who viewed “Weird Science” as a cautionary tale know the best and by far the cheapest defense against these alien thugs is wearing a brassiere on your head and reciting passages from the Old Constitution – not to be confused with the recently revised edition.



These are professionally trained Home security officers. Do not try this at home.

Just think what Obama could do with all that Inauguration money if he were to elope to Detroit. He could use the money for a down payment on a new White House in a new location, say the upper-Midwest where he would not only be insulated from D.C. lobbyists, but he would be closer to his Fortress of Solitude -- should he ever feel the need to get away from it all and find himself through introspection and a steady supply of Klondike bars.

Having already spent over $700 million on his presidential bid, I imagine Obama wanted to have something small, quaint and private for his swearing-in ceremony.

But, as is the case in the multi-billion dollar wedding industry, politics almost always trump intentions, whether it be family politics or the loathsome politics-as-usual boogeyman – both of which begin rearing their heads during the initial drafting process of the guest list. If you thought the legislative process was messy, you’ve obviously never planned your own wedding. Bill in Schoolhouse Rock’s “I’m Just a Bill” has it made compared to the embattled Guest List in the yet-to-be released “I’m Just a Guest List.”

The process begins with both parties listing immediate family members before moving on to listing people you may actually see after the wedding, thus avoiding any potential snub incidents. After the first draft is complete, you submit it to your managing editors: both sets of parental units (who are more-than-likely funding the impending train wreck). They add all of their relatives and acquaintances you’ve never heard of, yet somehow know all about you.

Next you send out the initial wave and wait for the word-of-mouth to spread, so those folks who were excluded can call your editors and voice their complaints until they are added to the next wave. This process repeats itself until both parties approve the list and send it up to the Mother of the Bride, who ultimately decides whether or not to exercise her veto power.

In Obama’s case this nightmare scenario has been compounded by the size of his potential guest list that draws from the 66.8 million people who voted for him. Any slight and these folks may not ever speak to him again and/or vote for him in the next election, not to mention the underlying tension at next year’s Thanksgiving dinner table.

This alone is reason enough as to why Obama should elope to Detroit.

Why Detroit, you ask?

If anywhere in the United States epitomizes rock bottom and needs the Obama bump, it is Detroit. Not only has the Motor City been idled by the economic meltdown, but its beloved Lions set a record in futility by losing all 16 games this year. Better yet, Obama could hold the 2009 Inauguration at Ford Field (just blocks away from where Mitt Romney announced his failed presidential bid). Most of the seats saw little wear-and-tear this year and Obama can help Detroit rise from the ashes – an economic rebirth, if you will.



Opposing fans remain to watch their team win in last-second overtime.

My guess is Obama is already committed to tomorrow’s Inauguration, but there’s still an outside chance we may have our first Runaway President.

At least we can HOPE…

Originally posted on sister site Say Something Funny

‘Say Something Funny’ is Up and Running

My new sister sight Say Something Funny survived its first post, unscathed for the most part. While 27 percent of up-start blogs never publish a second post, I can safely say I’ve defied the statistics with a second post: “Keep your hands off my drugs, Big Brother.”

Here’s a taste:

This year, despite the fact I’m not even remotely religious, I’ve decided to give up Responsibility for Lent.

Why not? When in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, might as well do as what Jesus would do, eh?

Why responsibility, you ask?

For starters, responsible people, ever since the beginning of time, have always been getting the short end of the snake. Just ask Eve. (Ba-dum-bum—Ching! I couldn’t resist, which is not a good sign that I’m going to successfully resist responsibility for 40 days.)

If you need more anecdotal evidence that the Responsible are always getting screwed, read “The Book of Ecclesiastes” in the Old Testament. And if you’re still not satisfied and need a more reputable source, I suggest you look up “Responsible People Are Eternally Doomed” on Wikipedia to feed any empirical doubts you may have been harboring. Trust me, it’s there. I should know because I added the entry late last night while the Wiki-Police were off chasing my soon-to-be irresponsible brethren. God I can’t wait for Lent to begin. Oh the Sinful Places I will Go.

Now I’ve been responsible my entire life, maybe too responsible for that matter, but I stared responsibility down the other day for the last time (an epic battle indeed) at a nearby pharmacy while trying to purchase a box of Suphedrine, or what I call Suphadrain, from the certified Pusher behind the counter. (Read more)

No worries political satire aficionados, I do plan on returning with a post in the next day or so.

‘Fallout Launches New Sister Humor Site: ‘Say Something Funny’

In the wake of the Dot-Com Bust of the ‘90s and the impending Blog Bust, I thought I would launch yet another blog site, “Say Something Funny,” thus adding more virtual cholesterol to the clogged arteries of the Internet Super Highway (ISH).

I know, I know that I’m a part of the problem, having chucked five start-up blogs to the Superhighway roadside (Witsend Here, Nussle & Flow, Surviving Yepsen, Colbert for Head of F.C.C. and Iowa Veterans Blog), but the force tells me these endeavors were all part of a process leading to Say Something Funny.

I’ve called Political Fallout my home away from home away from home the past few years, even though I did sublease the space, at least mentally, for most of last year due to obligations writing straight journalism for the Iowa Independent. Over the past month, however, my satiric voice has been slowly returning to me, much to the chagrin of my family, friends and unsuspecting targets of satiric attacks. During this 12-step recovery process, my voice has been telling me to start a new site, so I had no other choice to listen and obey its every command or risk losing it forever this time.

I still plan on maintaining and writing for Political Fallout on a regular basis, like right now for instance, but Fallout will have to get used to sharing my mind’s custody with Say Something Funny, which will provide another avenue for humor that is not driven solely by politics. SSF will include a plethora of bits including humorous essays and poems, short quips, daily observations, parodies, comedy sketches, monologues, captions, quotes, and the list goes on.

So if you need a brief reprisal from the political world and whether you are a comedy aficionado, part-me reader of funny stuff, or layman humorist, I invite you to take a detour on the Internet’s Super Highway and check out “Say Something Funny.”

I’ve posted the introductory piece, “Prologues: ‘Say Something Funny’ or Die” today. Here’s a little teaser:

In the global world of comedy, “Say something funny” is the ultimate Weapon ofMass Destruction (WMD), claiming more lives and quick-witted tongues than the WMDs stored on temporary U.S. military bases scattered across the sands of Iraq.

On the list of top Say Somethings, “Say something funny” holds the second spot, wedged between the frontrunner “Say something romantic” and “Say something to help cheer me up.” “Say something clever” and “Say something (uncomfortable pause here) anything!" round out the top five.

Anyone who has been involved in a romantic relationship knows the underlying power of “Say something romantic,” especially when ensnared in the midst of a heated moment of unbridled passion. Nothing kills this moment, besides the sound of symphonic snoring, faster than being put on the spot by the volatile “Say something romantic" game changer.(read more)

Top THREE Reasons Why You Should Bookmark “Say Something Funny” to Your Favorites, Forward the Link to Everyone You Know -- or if You are a Part of the Impending Blog-Bust Problem, Add the Link to Your Site:

So one day you can truthfully say, without hesitation: “I remember when T.M. Lindsey was JUST a blogger”

Oprah bookmarked it

I asked you nicely without groveling and/or begging, so please, please, please, please, please, read and help promote Say Something Funny

Rachel Maddow Parody Makes Debut on SNL

To officially cement yourself in the world of political punditry, you have to become a caricature on Saturday Night Live. With Rachel Maddow’s debut on last night’s episode of SNL, it looks like MSNBC has run the table with Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann and the latest prime-time pundit of 24 hour cable news.

The Rachel Maddow Show: Roland Burris and former Illinois Gov. Blago