Deconstructing Yepsen: Tales from the Intellectually Lazy

While raising money for an "Intellectually Lazy" charity event, David Shark-Toothed Yepsen devours a H*thead L*beral Activist.

Just when you thought it was safe to read the “Des Moines Register” again (cue Jaws’ theme music here), David Yepsen opened his mouth and attempted to unleash some analysis of the Iowa Legislature’s 2007 session. Similar to the Democrat Majority’s approach of playing it safe this year, Yepsen’s scratch-‘n’-surf political analysis has avoided catching any major waves.

It was only a matter of time before the little voice inside Yepsen’s head would resurface as well as Yepsen’s trademark style and dependency on chopped logic and logical fallacies. Let’s take an “intellectually lazy” look at some of Yepsen’s analytical tells in his latest diatribe, “High hopes deflate the 2007 legislative session”:

1. When all else fails, blame Satan, or worse, teachers and public employees.

Yepsen: “Today, Democrats are more influenced by various spending constituencies, such as teacher and public-employee unions.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: Why does Yepsen continue to scapegoat unions and bash teachers? This may mean delving into Yepsen’s psyche and probing his pre-pubescent schooling experiences with a teacher who permanently scarred young David. I’m not sure I want to step into the dark side, where I may encounter a stack of Yepsen’s analysis papers submerged in a sea of blood-red ink. In Yepsen’s defense, teachers make great targets for scapegoatinly lazy people and for writers who are too lazy to look up scathing adverbs (e.g. scapegoatingly), so make up their own instead.

2. Attack “the Left” (code word for L*berals).

Yepsen: “Some on the left have grown so intellectually lazy they can only measure success by how much more they spend - not by any results they get.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: None. Irony speaks for itself.

3. Attack “the Left” (code word for L*beral Activists) Part II.

Yepsen: “Last week, for example, a profane shouting match erupted in the rotunda between some of these folks (L*beral Activists) and Democratic leader Mike Gronstal. They want public funding of election campaigns. He knows most Iowans don't want to use public money to pay for politics, and that Republicans would just find other ways to spend their money to defeat Democrats. So, he and other Democrats are saying no, and tempers flared. So ... one thing to watch in coming weeks is how centrist Democratic legislators and the liberal hotheads patch up their differences.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: Had David done his homework, he may have discovered that a nonpartisan poll conducted by Public Campaign found that 74% of those polled favored public campaign financing. What most Iowans don’t want is their elected officials spending their time raising over $500,000 for an election they’re either not running in (e.g. Sen. Gronstal) or they’re running unopposed (e.g. Rep. Rants).

4. Lose your temper and resort to name calling.

Yepsen: "So ... one thing to watch in coming weeks is how centrist Democratic legislators and the liberal hotheads patch up their differences.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: Hey now, simmer down big fella. No need to get testy and call people “hotheads,” or worse, a “centrist.” Feelings don’t grow on trees, you know? Besides, in the incident Yepsen’s referencing, a VOICE activist called Gronstal a “Republican in Democrat Clothing,” and it was Gronstal who lost his temper and responded with, “…Kiss my ass” before stomping off and dropping an F-Bomb from afar. So, who’s the hothead here, David? Had you or your paper covered this story, maybe your name calling would’ve been properly aligned with the proper subjects. Golly David, seeing how the Newspaper Association has been actively lobbying against the VOICE bill, maybe you’re right about one thing: the Democrats ARE being influenced by some spending constituencies. Meow.

Although Yepsen’s little voice did resurface in his latest effort, David did refrain from injecting his Political Editorial Omniscient (P.E.O.) narrator into his commentary. Although, Yepsen did resort to using slanted language and name-calling, which may be construed by the intellectually lazy as a step backwards in his political punditry progress. But how would I know, I’m nothing but a L*beral H*thead. (cue Jaws' theme music here)
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Cross-posted at “Surviving Yepsen”

“Surviving Yepsen” Launches: Call for Submissions

A new site, "Surviving Yepsen" (a “Political Fallout” subsidiary) has officially launched and is seeking submissions from David Yepsen Survivors. Trust us, we know you’re out there…

Frequently Asked Questions:

Who’s David Yepsen?

If you’re asking this question, consider yourself one of the fortunate ones. David Yepsen is listed as a columnist for Iowa’s largest newspaper, “The Des Moines Register,” and writes about state and national politics. How he got his job at the Register remains a mystery, although a popular rumor claims that Yepsen was willed to Gannett in 1985, when the corporate media mogul usurped the paper form the Cowles family. Legend has it that the Cowles family wanted to put a curse on Gannett, so they planted their own voodoo doll, and Yepsen was the perfect sacrifice.

What’s a “Yepsen Survivor”?

This includes anyone who has read one of Yepsen’s columns and lived to tell about it. (Note: There have been no documented cases linking a person’s cause of death to reading Yepsen, although Yepsen has registered on the forensic radar.)

How do I know if I’m suffering from symptoms related to “Surviving Yepsen”?

Upon reading David’s Yepsenities, if you experience any of the following, you should go to “Surviving Yepsen” and share your experience and/or vent as a means of alleviating the symptoms: Do you ask yourself:; “How did this guy get this job?”/“Where’s the support for his assertions?”/“Why so pessimistic?”/“WTF?”

Or do you say to yourself, “I could write better than this?” Or do you feel immediately compelled to write a letter to the editor challenging Yepsen’s assertions?

Other symptoms may include nausea, cold sweats, a new appreciation for FOX news, an onset of Turrets Syndrome, or the desire to repeatedly pound your forehead on the kitchen table and/or computer keys.

Why waste energy on Yepsen?

To help preserve our state's dignity and our first-in-the nation status for holding the Presidential Caucuses, David Yepsen must be held accountable. When the nation’s eyes our on Iowans and the media outside of Iowa turns to Yepsen for political analysis, we should not have to bury our heads in the soil. Not only does Yespen undermine the political credibility of our state, but his slanted fallacies show that Yepsen harbors an inner-hatred for liberal/progressive Democrats, unions (especially teacher unions), optimism, the King’s English, research, bloggers, and anyone who he perceives to be smarter than him.

So I’m a Yespen Survivor, what can I do?

Go to "Surviving Yepsen" and find out how you can share your experiences with fellow Yepsen Survivors and submit your own Yepsen-inspired pieces.

Yepsen Suffers from Post-Traumatic Columnist Stress Disorder

Much Adieu About Yepsen: Notes from the Political Waste Land

Having finally succumbed to the day-to-day pressures of writing a political column for the “Des Moines Register,” David Yepsen has taken his first step out of the delusional closet by admitting he suffers from “Post-Traumatic Columnist Stress Disorder.” What pushed him over the edge, you ask? Answer: the War in Iraq. More specifically, it was a combination of the Iraq War and Yepsen trying to enjoy himself on Christmas without having to think about the former, but for those of you avid readers of Yepsen’s column, who needs specifics, eh?

Post-Traumatic Columnist Stress Disorder (PTCSD) is a term for certain psychological consequences of vicarious exposure to, or confrontation with, stressful experiences that a columnist contemplates and/or writes about. The experience does not necessarily involve actually writing about the stressful experiences -- for part of the writing is the brainstorming process -- therefore deep contemplation, Internet surfing, and/or skimming the AP wire about a particular subject may lead to a manifestation of PTCSD.

Symptoms of PTCSD can include the following: incessant ramblings with no clear focus, a detached point-of-view, memory loss, occasional breakdowns and/or lapses in logic, irritability, illusions of grandeur, agoraphobia (wherein columnist is afraid to leave office to research primary sources), inability to decipher fact from fiction, and starting a political blog.

Retrospectively, Yepsen first realized he was suffering from PTCSD when he saw his experiences with the Iraq War as if he were actually in the war, more specifically a prisoner of war being subjected to a contemporary version of an ancient Chinese water torture:

It's like a water torture. The daily drip, drip, drip of it is numbing. For a while, I thought it was just me. After all, I am in the news business, especially the political end of it, and the biggest issue facing the country is what to do about this conflict. So, naturally, I'm surrounded by the debates and discussions all day in the course of my work.

David’s realization was exacerbated when he abandoned Jesus Christ on his Savior’s celebrated day of birth:

I try not to let it get to me. I go through the motions of Christmas, hoping the rituals of the holidays will jump-start the spirit. No luck. My Christmas battery is dead.

Clouded by a state of denial, these initial signs went unnoticed by Yepsen, who in turn projected a barrage of mental “tsk tsks” on unsuspecting Sleepwalkers:

It's not a humbug deal. There's just no "Merry" in front of the word. Instead, I find myself getting irritated with people who act like nothing is out of the ordinary this holiday season.

Next, a state of paralysis ensued, triggering a series of coping mechanisms:

Until you talk to them and discover that, oh, yes, they're aware of the war, are sick of it, but don't know what to do. So they've moved on. Frustrated and at a loss, they look for escapes or distractions. If they are able to find refuge in a shopping trip or a school play, good for them.

Fortunately for David, he has his column to help cope with his paralysis. Good for him. But what about the children?

None of us wants to let the grim news of war cloud a holiday for the children. We take refuge in our own memories of Christmases past and work hard to make good memories for the little ones today.

It’s clear David’s PTCSD has slipped into remission as denial rears its ugly head while he brainstorms for his next column:

They are with a bunch of lonely soldiers far away. They must ache for their loved ones and worry if today will be their day to be dribbled into the grinder of this conflict. I also think of their families at home. How ever do they cope? To hear GIs and families tell it, the folks back home sometimes have more anxiety than the troops in the field. The soldiers at the front are on edge, but they've got their comrades, their brains and pride in what they do to comfort them. (Even when the armor plates are too thin.)

David’s mental wanderings exacerbate a state of seeming paralysis:

Their people back in the States are in the dark, sweating it out, worried sick that the empty spot at the holiday table may become permanent. For a couple of thousand families, it already has. I can do nothing for either, except say my prayers, donate a few bucks to a unit family fund or say a kind word.

Or use your column to analyze and critique politicians and their policies responsible for triggering the PTCSD? Maybe then, the “Merry” will return to Yepsen next Christmas, so he can enjoy the holidays without having to worry about soldiers dying on Jesus’ birthday…

Drip…drip…drip...