Smokes on a Plane
3 months ago
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Breaking: Economy experts finally state obvious and pronounce R-word
After 12 months -- during which time the U.S. economy has been on life support, tanked, bottomed out, took a nose dive, crashed, plummeted, or whatever adjective and/or descriptive word(s) you have been using around the house or can still afford to use – the National Bureau of Economic Research has finally overcome its speech impediment and declared that we are indeed in a Recession.
I wonder how many man hours, speech therapy sessions, and how much money it took these crack researchers to figure out the obvious?
Whatever the cost, I would have done it for half in six months: “Our economy is screwed.”
I repeat: “Our economy is screwed.”
Although signs of the R-word have been bantered about over the past year, the NBER had to wait a year to make sure we were in a recession, despite all the tell-tale signs including:
1. Depression-era survivors started referring to the 1930s as “the salad days”
2. Golden parachutes have been replaced by aluminum parachutes
3. The dollar fell below wampum in exchange currencies abroad
4. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are household names in households that could not procure mortgages from either one of these behemoths
5. People all over the country willingly invested nearly $750 million in HOPE
6. The Man filed for bankruptcy
To get a real sense of the NBER’s surprise announcement, Political Fallout turned to the Caped Crusaders for their reactions to the breaking news that we are officially in a recession:
Robin: Holy falling stock market indexes, Batman! Did you hear we’re in a recession? Whatever will we do?
Batman: No worries, Robin. This is no time to panic. Besides, I have my trusty multi-billion dollar bailout lever to help protect the Bruce Wayne fortune.
Robin: I hope you didn’t put all of your eggs into one basket and had enough sense to diversify your portfolio.
Batman: Clever pun, Robin. But you really should leave the puns to the wordsmiths and keep focused on fighting green-collar crimes.
Robin: You’re right, Batman. It’s just that this whole recession thing has me worried that our investments will ebb while crime flows at an unprecedented rate. This puts a damper on my retirement plans.
Batman: That’s no excuse for taking liberties with our language, Robin. It may help to know that while we have been simultaneously protecting the citizens of Gotham, I’ve managed to exploit the local economy by outsourcing “good” to other communities in exchange for stock options in “evil.”
Robin: Genius, Batman. Absolutely genius.
Batman: No, Robin; inventing Corporate Welfare in my lab was absolute genius.
I wonder how many man hours, speech therapy sessions, and how much money it took these crack researchers to figure out the obvious?
Whatever the cost, I would have done it for half in six months: “Our economy is screwed.”
I repeat: “Our economy is screwed.”
Although signs of the R-word have been bantered about over the past year, the NBER had to wait a year to make sure we were in a recession, despite all the tell-tale signs including:
1. Depression-era survivors started referring to the 1930s as “the salad days”
2. Golden parachutes have been replaced by aluminum parachutes
3. The dollar fell below wampum in exchange currencies abroad
4. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are household names in households that could not procure mortgages from either one of these behemoths
5. People all over the country willingly invested nearly $750 million in HOPE
6. The Man filed for bankruptcy
To get a real sense of the NBER’s surprise announcement, Political Fallout turned to the Caped Crusaders for their reactions to the breaking news that we are officially in a recession:
Robin: Holy falling stock market indexes, Batman! Did you hear we’re in a recession? Whatever will we do?
Batman: No worries, Robin. This is no time to panic. Besides, I have my trusty multi-billion dollar bailout lever to help protect the Bruce Wayne fortune.
Robin: I hope you didn’t put all of your eggs into one basket and had enough sense to diversify your portfolio.
Batman: Clever pun, Robin. But you really should leave the puns to the wordsmiths and keep focused on fighting green-collar crimes.
Robin: You’re right, Batman. It’s just that this whole recession thing has me worried that our investments will ebb while crime flows at an unprecedented rate. This puts a damper on my retirement plans.
Batman: That’s no excuse for taking liberties with our language, Robin. It may help to know that while we have been simultaneously protecting the citizens of Gotham, I’ve managed to exploit the local economy by outsourcing “good” to other communities in exchange for stock options in “evil.”
Robin: Genius, Batman. Absolutely genius.
Batman: No, Robin; inventing Corporate Welfare in my lab was absolute genius.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
There are reasons to be thankful this year: Just ask Tina Sherman, Joe Lieberman, and Sarah Palin
Despite our involvement in the Pentagon’s pocketbuster hits The Neverending Wars: Parts I (Terror), II (Afghanistan), and III (Iraq); the exponential rise in health care costs and premiums, a schizophrenic lame-duck presidency, and the economy bottoming out, there’s a lot to be thankful for these days.
You just have to poke around…
For example. I’m thankful:
1. For all of the technological advancements such as free blog sites and YouTube, which have helped level Democracy’s playing field – unless of course you have a predilection for illegal dumping or leaving your cell phone (with nude pics of your wife on it) behind at McDonalds.
Tina Serman, whose husband left his cell phone with explicit photos of her behind at McDonalds, plans on suing the fast-food chain for $3 million after the pictures were posted all over the Internet.
2. That I’m not Sen. Joe Lieberman, whose plans to lay the groundwork for war on Iran were throttled by President-elect Obama’s victory. However, I’m willing to bet 30 pieces of gold that we have not heard the last of The Lone Jew of the Apocalypse and his plans to launch WW III in the Middle East. No wonder the Dems left Joe the Warmonger at the head of the Homeland Security table in the Senate. The reason, however, I’m most thankful that I’m not Joe Lieberman is that I could not bare knowing that my voice was the prototype for Alf’s dad. The horror, the horror…
3. That my 6th-grade elementary teacher taught me during our introduction into sex education to abstain from drunk, adulterous sex in bathroom stalls with alleged strangers at UI Hawkeye Football games – either home or away. This mini-lesson helped me navigate my way through six seasons of football as a season-ticket holder unfettered.
4. Sara Palin plans on making a presidential run in 2012. Satirists rejoice!
The Sarah Palin Turkey Massacre
(Note: I’m thankful I’m not the turkey in the background, who was fed to the turkey chipper. Great backdrop for political theater, eh?)
5. For the 22nd amendment to the Constitution (That’s the one, Sarah, that limits the president to two terms (wink)).
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Obama vs. McCain: Video killed the grumpy ol’ political star
Sen. John SYDNEY McCain has taken several lumps from the media for his inability to keep up with the latest trends in technology. Last night’s non-debate illustrated this point, literally, as McCain showed the world that he has yet to adapt to the technological advancement born during his formative years. Not the club, silly, rather: the television. In particular, the split-screen that simultaneously captured both candidates’ facial expressions for the American viewers — half of which just may vote.
I caught the first part of the debate on the radio and both candidates sounded presidential — whatever that means. However, when I caught the rest of it on the tube, I knew within five minutes that McCain’s last pitch to the American people had failed. Voters, especially the undecided and independent, were not buying McCain’s Howard Beale-Grouch Marx impersonation.
McCain: Why so angry?
For McCain, pundits have argued that he needed a game-changer — not a channel-changer.
I suspect his strategists knew this going into the final non-debate and turned to desperate measures: hypnotism. McCain’s R.E.M. like blinking failed to entrance and/or hypnotize me, or Obama. We were not swayed by McCain’s Svengalian attempt to lure us into submission:
“Must vote McCain/Must vote McCain …”
Nor were those polled by the mainstream pollsters afterward.
McCain touts himself as a reformer, yet he keeps sticking to failed tactics in his campaign as evidenced in the debate (e.g. playing the Bill Ayers card). Whenever he is called out on why he has resorted to negative campaigning, McCain’s resorts to his patented “If … then” logical fallacy:
“As I have said before, my friends, if Senator Obama would have agreed to the series of town hall debates I proposed earlier, I would not have to resort to negative campaigning, character assassination, and hypnosis.”
When the election is over, I imagine McCain will use this line of defense to try to reconcile his reputation, or what is left of it at that point. I’m sure he will continue to blame the media as well — that is, when he’s not eternally damning ALL bloggers to hell (several blinks into submission here).
I caught the first part of the debate on the radio and both candidates sounded presidential — whatever that means. However, when I caught the rest of it on the tube, I knew within five minutes that McCain’s last pitch to the American people had failed. Voters, especially the undecided and independent, were not buying McCain’s Howard Beale-Grouch Marx impersonation.
McCain: Why so angry?
For McCain, pundits have argued that he needed a game-changer — not a channel-changer.
I suspect his strategists knew this going into the final non-debate and turned to desperate measures: hypnotism. McCain’s R.E.M. like blinking failed to entrance and/or hypnotize me, or Obama. We were not swayed by McCain’s Svengalian attempt to lure us into submission:
“Must vote McCain/Must vote McCain …”
Nor were those polled by the mainstream pollsters afterward.
McCain touts himself as a reformer, yet he keeps sticking to failed tactics in his campaign as evidenced in the debate (e.g. playing the Bill Ayers card). Whenever he is called out on why he has resorted to negative campaigning, McCain’s resorts to his patented “If … then” logical fallacy:
“As I have said before, my friends, if Senator Obama would have agreed to the series of town hall debates I proposed earlier, I would not have to resort to negative campaigning, character assassination, and hypnosis.”
When the election is over, I imagine McCain will use this line of defense to try to reconcile his reputation, or what is left of it at that point. I’m sure he will continue to blame the media as well — that is, when he’s not eternally damning ALL bloggers to hell (several blinks into submission here).
Sunday, September 28, 2008
SNL Skewers Palin, Serves Up Another Moose-Inspired Appetizer
Secretly, satirists are hoping for the worst: a McCain/Palin victory come November.
Why, you ask?
Answer: Job Security
Tina Fey delivers another spot-on impersonation of Sarah Palin. Fey’s first Palin bit convinced her daughter, so much so that she said at last week’s Emmy’s that she didn’t want to play Palin anymore.
Nonetheless:
“Gov. Palin and Katie Couric get real and adorable”
Why, you ask?
Answer: Job Security
Tina Fey delivers another spot-on impersonation of Sarah Palin. Fey’s first Palin bit convinced her daughter, so much so that she said at last week’s Emmy’s that she didn’t want to play Palin anymore.
Nonetheless:
“Gov. Palin and Katie Couric get real and adorable”
Friday, September 26, 2008
Will McCain’s ‘Campaign to Nowhere’ Cut-and-Run from Tonight’s Debate?
Sen. McCain, far left, prays that President Bush, or anyone else for that matter calls on him to repsond to any questions regarding the economic crisis and/or how to fix it: "Please, please, please, God ... don't let them call on me. I sware I will never approve another lie or half-truth in an ad against my opponent, Sen. Obama, again."
Enquiring minds:
A. Could care less
B. Are preoccupied with more pressing issues such as global warming and. or whether or not Lindsay Lohan is really a lesbian
C. Are still trying to figure out why McCain picked Palin
D. Have subleased their bodies to America and moved their minds to Canada
But the Campaign to Nowhere, although suspended*, is playing up the dramatic, made-for-television pilot show that is destined to be canceled by the Producers Nov. 4.
*In an attempt to hold Congress hostage by threatening to cancel his appearance at the debate (“Ooooooooooooooooooo…”), McCain suspended his Campaign to Nowhere to return to D.C. and help fix the sound economy. Although suspended, McCain is still allowed to make appearances on shows that will loft soft-ball questions, but any media outlets that ask questions that merit responses to complex issues (e.g. “Late Night with David Letterman”) will be off limits.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Triumph: “Is Ralph Nader Good Enough to Poop On?”
On the night of this year’s Democratic Primary in Indiana, I officially boycotted watching mainstream punditry after CNN’s absurd lambasting of the mayor of Gary, Indiana. I thought punditry had bottomed out, but my sources who still watch the Talking Heads tell me the MSM is still scraping the bottom, hoping to discover a juicy geyser of minutia to fill up its around-the-clock coverage.
Question: What is longer than this year’s presidential election?
Answer: Coverage of this year’s presidential election
Other Possible Answers: Number of days it took politicians to figure out something was amiss on Wall Street or Donald Rumsfeld has been in the former Bush Employee Relocation Program
Fortunately there is still one mainstream political pundit out there who is still committed to quality, fair-and-balanced coverage and reporting: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
If you didn’t get a chance to catch his coverage of the Republican National Convention, check out the trilogy here and here and here.
While in the twin Cities, Triumph managed to scoop up sloppy seconds, collaring an exclusive interview with presidential candidate Ralph Nader.
Why Nader agreed to the interview, other than a desperate need for media attention, is beyond me.
Worse, Nader genuinely thought it would be able to outwit an insulting comic dog. There’s a reason the Political Campaign Constitution calls for a “separation between politicians and comedians.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Interviews Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader
Question: What is longer than this year’s presidential election?
Answer: Coverage of this year’s presidential election
Other Possible Answers: Number of days it took politicians to figure out something was amiss on Wall Street or Donald Rumsfeld has been in the former Bush Employee Relocation Program
Fortunately there is still one mainstream political pundit out there who is still committed to quality, fair-and-balanced coverage and reporting: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
If you didn’t get a chance to catch his coverage of the Republican National Convention, check out the trilogy here and here and here.
While in the twin Cities, Triumph managed to scoop up sloppy seconds, collaring an exclusive interview with presidential candidate Ralph Nader.
Why Nader agreed to the interview, other than a desperate need for media attention, is beyond me.
Worse, Nader genuinely thought it would be able to outwit an insulting comic dog. There’s a reason the Political Campaign Constitution calls for a “separation between politicians and comedians.”
Triumph the Insult Comic Interviews Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader
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