The American Scab Dream: Will Work for Congressional Crumbs

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that our rapidly ailing Democracy is suffering from schizophrenia? My other 16 personalities tend to agree.

Our Democracy, the best form of government money can buy (just ask China), flexed its bipartisan bipolar muscle Friday night as the possibility of a government shutdown loomed over Corporate Hill. While watching whether our Do Nothing Congress was going to let the ball drop on the budget at the midnight hour, 16/17 of me wanted them to reach an agreement, thus averting the worst teabaggin’ in U.S. History.

Besides, that’s their damn job and why We’re paying these folks, right? Congress is the only profession in America that, due to its own incompetence, can legally allow itself to shut down while elected members still receive a paycheck without having to wait in an unemployment line.

Meanwhile, the other 1/17 of the multiple me, myselves and I wanted the government to shut down. If anything, I wanted to see how a shutdown would affect the free market, namely whether a spike in pitchforks and V (from Vendetta) mask sales would follow in the shutdown’s wake. You see, I’ve been harboring a secret fantasy of becoming a U.S. Senator without having to go through all the hassles of having to run a campaign and prostitute myself to raise money for potential lobbyists pimps. After all, Congressional members are merely “Indentured Servants,” who serve corporate interests in exchange for campaign contributions, under-the-table Swedish massages and ringside seats at WWE Smackdown main events.

Had the government shut down, I could have slipped in through the chamber back door and become a Scab Senator, filling one of my representatives’ spots on the floor.

The Rat Race in D.C.

HELP WANTED: Scab Lawmakers

Job Description: Now hiring 535 temporary workers to fill striking lawmakers’ seats in Washington, D.C. Qualified applicants will be responsible for maintaining the status quo politics-as-usual; which include but is not limited to maintaining three war fronts, keep pretending health care costs will level off some day, sign blank checks to Military Industrial Complex, create more jobs overseas, pilfer Social Security cash box when nobody’s looking, craft more unconstitutional laws that will make judicial branch look like they’re legislating from the bench when they overturn them 10 years down the road, occasionally rotate environmental issues on backburners, add a new page to the tax code every day and write mean-spirited press releases that call members on the other side of aisle mean, albeit outdated names like Commie Stooge, Socialist, Right Wingnut, Bleeding-Heart Liberal, and Poopy-Head Jerk Face.

Qualifications: A pulse (formerly possessing a pulse will suffice, so as not to discriminate against current dead weight and card-carrying Zombies serving in Congress).

First 100 minutes: Since my livelihood on the Hill will be basking in uncertainty, should a scab opportunity ever arise, I will have to act fast -- something that completely bucks the current dysfunctional system in D.C. That said I plan on sponsoring the following bills during my first 100 minutes in office.

I, Scab Senator Lindsey, hereby sponsor the following bills:

-Permanently banish “politics-as-usual” from the political lexicon, not just in name only;

-Make the Unites States a neutral country and auction the Pentagon on e-Bay;

-Move the White House and Corporate Hill to the center of the country, somewhere in the rural Midwest, and build a shark-infested mote around the perimeter to keep lobbyists from preying on my fellow scabs;

-Let Texas succeed from the Union, thus whitewashing the historical implications of 3 illegal wars enacted by Texas-born presidents;

-Continually broadcasting "Ally ally oxen free! Come out come out wherever you are!" around the globe until Osama bin Laden comes out of hiding and multinational corporations return jobs and tax-sheltered money they’ve hidden overseas.

Unfortunately, Congress and President Obama rammed a blunt pitchfork through my dreams at the 11th hour, so it looks like it’s back to my current government job (at least 7/16th of me) and politics-as-usual in D.C. on Monday.

Originally posted on sister site: Say Something Funny

Top Ten Signs Donald Trump is Serious About Running for President

It seems that if you want to grab and hold the media’s attention these days, all you have to do is drink tigers’ blood or booze with pickles, run around in public and babble incoherently about nothing to total strangers and take yourself too seriously. At least these are the modern-day prerequisites for running for President of the United States -- or at least pretending to run for president while prick-teasing the media.

Speaking of which, Donald Trump keeps threatening to make a presidential run but hasn’t made it official, which involves forming an exploratory committee to search your parents’ basement and attic with the task of finding your original birth certificate and making an obligatory appearance on "The View". Next you send out press releases telling them you plan on making an important announcement at some historical American wasteland landmark such as Liberty Taco Bell in Philadelphia or The Mall of America or Carhenge in Alliance, Nebraska.

Carhenge: Nothing smacks of Americana more than makeshift graveyard of American-made cars passed off as art

Before the event, you leak information that you plan on announcing that you’ve filed papers and you’re running for president. But at the actual event, you tease the media by telling them you have list of names of 257 card-carrying Terrorists working for Homeland Security in your breast pocket are officially forming a presidential exploratory committee, now that the preliminary exploratory committee manufactured a new birth certificate claiming you were born at said landmark has located your birth certificate, thus proving you are over 36 years of age, were born in America and are prone to 4-year cycles of hyper-narcissism.

That said, news leaked by Donald Trump’s legion of underpaid casino workers interns indicate that he’s in the preliminary exploratory process, thus indicating he’s taking the first serious step in making a presidential run, which leads to this week’s David Letterman’s Late Show Online Top Ten Contest entry. But I am not going alone, Dear Reader. I’m soliciting your help – or not. I’ve written ten possible entries for this week’s list, and it’s up to you to help me select the CHOSEN ONE from the list (for I can only submit one) that you think has the best chance of winning.

This Week's Topic: Top Ten Signs Donald Trump Is Serious About Running for President

10. Using “Celebrity Apprentice” next season to help choose Vice President running mate

9. Apologized to James Dobson for leaving a horse’s head at the foot of his bed

8. Boycotting own show to generate more press

7. Fired videographer after reading John Edward’s new book, “The Idiot’s Guide to Running for President”

6. Acquired Diebold Voting Machines company, whose technicians are calibrating voting machines to hit three Trumps every-other

5. Hired WikiLeaks and B.A. Baracus to head Opposition Research A-Team



"I pity da fool who don't vote for Mr. T"

4. Running political ads on “The Howard Stern Show”

3. The Tea Party, Birthers and Newt Gingrich’s mistress added him to their speed dial

2. Ordered 2 million red, white & blue “Obama, Your Fired!” matching headbands and thong underwear

1. Burned all the skeletons in his closet – insurers issued $12 million check to replace Trump Towers

Don’t forget to indicate (in the Comments) which ONE of these I should submit to the Top Ten Contest.

The Freak Show's Pullin' Me Back In

I tried to swear off politics and political satire forever, but the GOP's Declaration of War on public employees, doves, common decency, the vanishing Middle Class,common sense, attrition, the environment, Democracy, freedom, mobile home owners, education/public schools, immigrants (legal and otherwise), intelligence, the Judicial Branch, gay marriage, the Constitution, and the list goes on has slowly pulled me back into the fray.

And the elected Democrats inability to grow a backbone cannot be overlooked either.You are complicit in Democracy's demise and will be exposed, should you wander underneath the satirist' microscope of absurdity.

I don't think I can bite my tongue any longer without risking permanent damage that I cannot afford with my current health insurance plan.

And with the GOP Presidential Freak Show coming to Iowa's Political Theatre this year, I cannot resist such tasty morsels I'm sure they'll be serving at their $1000 plate galas.

GOP Three-Ring Circus Lands in Iowa: Sarah Palin takes center stage and mounts unsuspecting GOP Elephant in her non-bid for presidency

Stay tuned for more, and in the meantime be sure to follow me on Twitter if you are not doing so already. Or you can catch me every once in awhile on my formerly neglected sister site, "Say Something Funny".

Quagmire Stew: A Recipe for Disaster

Preemptive Ingredients:

2 bloodied handfuls of WMD seeds
2 Congressional chambers locked-and-loaded with free-range Chickenhawks
1 Military Industrial Complex armed with a blank check (and no balances)
1 slightly tattered Constitution

Ingredients*:

120,000 to 170,000 homegrown pounds of American flesh** (flak jackets not included)
2 million stockpiled missiles marinade in benzene-based napalm
1 demonic dash of despotism
Several vats of patriotic zeal
A liberal supply of recyclable right-wing propaganda
1 bottomless well of fear
A limited supply of hope

* Feel free to improvise ingredients to satisfy any shifts in political winds
**To feed larger blood-lust appetites, add more Faustian flesh as needed

Preparation:

Strategically place (but not too strategically, thus hinting any semblance of an exit strategy) a manufactured medium-sized pot on the front burner, making sure to fire heat up to hottest level of revenge, thus ensuring the backdrop Chickenhawks have ample time to rattle their limp-fisted sabers. Blindly throw in 30 to 50 thousand pounds of expendable flesh adorned in patriotic platitudes of freedom preserved in the American Way of Life. Once the pot-o’-flesh comes to full boil, drop in several marinade missiles from above, occasionally stirring in a pinch of patriotic zeal to flavor the furor. Stir liberally, occasionally tossing in a splash of fear-induced right-winged propaganda until the flesh has time to congeal. Move to back burner and let medium pot simmer until flesh is cooked through and thoroughly seasoned with rhetorical promises of hope.

After thoroughly stirring all up of the preemptive ingredients in a large two-dimensional fishbowl, pour mixture into a giant mixing bowl, shake well, and strategically (but again, not too strategically) dump into a giant melting pot on the front burner and turn heat up to Shock and Awe. That’s right: Shock and Awe. But don’t let the fireworks seduce you into forgetting about what’s cooking on the back burner.

Always keep an eye on the back burner.

Once the Shock and Awe has fully effervesced, be sure to keep feeding the pot with unseasoned homegrown flesh, adding several thousand pounds every six months or so, mixing in a demonic dash of despotism and bloodied-handfuls of fear as needed.

Stir conservatively for six years, making sure to keep a watchful eye on the back burner.

Pour in a liberal amount of hope into the giant melting pot and move to back burner until long forgotten. Take out and conspicuously dump spoiled ingredients into nearby VA hospital and pour remaining ingredients into medium pot on back burner.

Did you take your eye off the back burner?

Move medium pot back to front burner, add a liberal supply of right-wing propaganda and fresh flesh and turn heat down to: Simmer Indefinitely.

Serves, if ever fully cooked, nobody except special interests and those beholden to the Faustian pact made at the crossroads of Ground Zero and K-Street.

Rep. Boehner Just Says Hell No to "Yes We Can!"

The Obstructionist Party of No (OPN) may want to consider a new campaign strategy for November. Not too many folks like to be told "no" all of the time. Take for example a toddler who has been told "no" all day long, who in turn unleashes all of that pent-up anger in what is known as a temper tantrum. Now we have a bunch of grown-ups throwing collective temper-tantrums and calling them Tea Parties.

No You Can't (Featuring John Boehner)

The White (House) Elephant Obama Would Like to Soon Forget

While the Health Care Reform debate ramped up during the past few weeks, with arm twisting on the left and Hyperbole bombs dropping on the right, the war in Iraq celebrated its 7th birthday -- a party that flew under the radars of all parties.

BraVenew Foundation's latest new video commiserating the 7th anniversary of the war in Iraq.

Iraq: Thousands Dead, $747.3 Billion Spent And Not Any Safer

Rebranding War: What is it Good For?

What’s in a name? That which we call a war
By any other name would smell of death, destruction --
And a democratic resurrection
Of burning flesh dipped in oil
Buried deep in foreign soil…

FADE IN:

Uncle Sam’s hot-shot marketing machine (sponsored by the Military Industrial Complex: Where one soldier’s misery is another man’s bottom-line prophecy…), armed with the monumental task of re-branding the war in Iraq. Which begs the question:

How does one sell repackaged rotten meat
To an electorate that’s fast asleep?

That is precisely what Obama’s marketing machine intends to find out when it re-brands the war in Iraq in September with “Operation New Dawn.” A little too close to the 1984 film “Red Dawn” for my taste. That film has already branded itself into the nostalgic catacombs of my memory. Not only can I not make this marketing leap of faith, but the thought of imagining a bunch of high school students, hopped up on Molotov hormonal cocktails, running around the hills flanking Baghdad and shouting “Wolverines!”will only serve to undermine the objectives of the current mission -- whatever the hell that is supposed to be.



"Red Dawn": The last line of defense standing between Capitalism and Communism (note the "Star Wars" product placement; George Lucas = merchandising genius)

By the way, the current US occupation in Iraq is known as Operation Iraqi Freedom, for those of you dear Civilians who did not know about the third re-branding since our troops were deployed to this oil-enriched wasteland. President Bush’s Marketing Team, deeply couched among the hidden branches of its Spin Machine, had initially branded the preemptive attack on Iraq “Occupation of Iraq,” which later evolved into “Second Gulf War” (a serious blunder, given the fact that everyone knows the sequel rarely lives up to the novelty of the first, not to mention the box-office profits tend to take a nose-dive). The D.C. Spinsters quickly realized their sinister marketing SNAFU and quickly plagiarized itself by pilfering its other major campaign in Afghanistan, “Operation Enduring Freedom” by replacing “Enduring” with “Iraqi.”

Read rest of post at Political Fallout's new Axis-of-Evil-Sister Site: Confessions of a Cold War Veteran

Pssst…Don’t Tell Anyone I’m Hetero

Never in a million year did I imagine myself agreeing with former Vice President Dick Cheney, but I confess dear Civilian, I recently found myself taking my first step into the Dark Side by agreeing with Cheney that the military should repeal its “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy. However, truth be told, which is not an option for gays currently serving in the military, it was Cheney who agreed with me -- since I opposed this half-baked (but not exhaled) policy the moment President Bill Clinton bent over on his campaign promises in 1993 and let the homophobic Congress have their way with him. (I know: bad pun; but in my defense, I am not writing about the unwritten “Don’t Ask, Don’t Pun” policy.)

Now I entrust that you, dear Civilian, will not tell anyone about my dirty little secret, for public knowledge of my foray into the Dark Side will not only disrupt the unique conditions of my civilian service to humanity but will undermine the unit cohesion of my community, which includes but is not limited to my fiancé, three impressionable sons, extended progressive political family, fellow Cold War veterans, substitute mail carrier, the neighbor’s dog Pookie and my spiritual and economic adviser Therapist Bob. Most of these folks are still reeling from the psychological ripple effects from the day I jumped out of the closet and scared the crap out of them by outing myself by finally coming to terms with my repressed heterosexuality. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Since I served in the Army during the rear-end of the Cold War (yeah, yeah, sue me...the courts always side on behalf of bad puns) during the latter part of the ‘80s, before DADT kicked in and the wall in Berlin fell, I’m not sure what it’s like to serve under this policy now -- especially while the current metaphorical war, “The War on Terror,” is being waged. You know, the kind of war where people actually get killed, rather than the metaphorical death by boredom while sitting around waiting, waiting for something – anything to happen.

Read more at new Axis-of-Evil Sister Site Confessions of a Cold War Veteran

Sen. “Tough Shit” Bunning: Get a REAL Job

I don’t imagine the 1.2 unemployed Americans waiting to see if their benefits will be extended another 30 days were amused by the latest episode of C-SPAN’s latest episode, “A Democracy of One,” on The Obstructionist (a spin-off from Seinfeld’s “show about nothing”) that aired the other night. If Seinfeld is a “show about nothing,” then The Obstructionist is “much adieu about nothing.”

Flying solo, Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky, hosted the show and, using an anti-democratic procedural maneuver, vowed to repeatedly block any attempts by the Senate to pass a bill that would extend unemployed benefits set to expire this weekend, despite overwhelming support from both sides of the Red-Ink Sea.

During a recent Congressional Hearing about nothing, Sen. Bunning of Kentucky uses hands to exaggerate size of his latest obstruction

But lo and behold, T.S. Bunning took the altar, stuck to his guns and objected to every attempt at trying to move forward with a vote on the bill – despite all the guilt trips left at his self-anointed feet. In fact, Sen. Jeff Merkely, D-Ore., even lowered himself to beg the Self-Anointed One, but ol' Bunning would have none of it and replied: “Tough Shit.”

Others joined in with T.S. Bunning’s “Crusade on the Desolate,” claiming an extension of benefits will merely serve as a disincentive for these desolate people to actively seek employment. If there is a will, there’s a way right? All these folks have to do is find the Holy Grail and they will discover a stack of job applications weighted down by this glorified paper weight.

Ironically, what T.S. Bunning does not realize is that sitting on top of this illusionary heap is a stack of applications for “Do-Nothing Congressman.” Now there’s a job I would like to get my hands on. Who needs a REAL job when we can get paid to do nothing, not to mention we would get face-time on the TV to help market ourselves for a revolving-door lobbying job when we get tired of doing nothing all day long. Although as a lobbyist, we would have to shift from doing nothing to ensuring that other people do nothing.

It’s the “ensuring” part that sounds so exhausting, but when you consider your salary will grow exponentially and you’ll be able to abandon your measly Cadillac Health Insurance benefits for a Rolls-Royce policy that requires providers to pay you a co-payment every time you use their services, “ensuring” doesn’t sound so exhausting after all. So while the Desolate are out giving blood and donating plasma to help make ends meet, these fat cats are making bank on routine checkups for their kids. Unfortunately, T.S. Bunning is merely a cancerous speed bump in the current Obstructionist Movement that has spread through Congress and plagued the democratic process, which has evolved from Majority Rule to Super-Majority Rule.

Congress have become so dysfunctional (“How dysfunctional has it?”), Jerry Springer has requested to air his show live on the chamber floors as both sides of the aisle air their dirty laundry out on cable television while lawmakers in the peanut gallery flash their nipples (Don’t do it Barney, we’re begging you Mr. Frank…) for a set of beads and 15-minutes of fame on Jerry Springer’s uncut DVDs. Although no meaningful legislation will ever get enacted, at least Americans get a chance to watch old people smash chairs over each others' heads and get restrained by formerly unemployed bouncers at D.C.’s swankiest gentlemen clubs.

After shoveling shit for 7 hours during a filibuster on the Senate floor, Mike Rowe of "Dirty Jobs" take a break off-set during a recent shooting of an upcoming episode

I wish I worked for a company that had a policy wherein if one employee doesn’t like the direction the company is moving, he or she can call in sick and the rest of the employees get to stay home as well. I mean, do we really need a full-time Congress anymore? Couldn’t we get by with hiring temp politicians, so we could cut out all their benefits, beginning with health insurance?

Better yet, like rural communities who depend on a volunteer fire department, shouldn’t we turn to a volunteer Congress to keep our citizens safe – not only from what they do do but what they do not do as well. Either way, given the way Congress is currently run, it’s like playing Russian Roulette.

Another remedy to the current Obstructionist Movement would be to give Congress a transfusion and replace all of the obstructionists with scab politicians who are willing to cross the line and make money to feed their families. With around 10 percent of our workforce unemployed, I’m sure we could find plenty of qualified people to fill these seats. What job skills do you need besides saying “aye,” “nay” and occasionally having to read aloud a script composed by a team of lobbyists?

And if Sen. Bunning has a problem with scab politicians from Kentucky crossing the line and taking his non-job, I have two words for him: “Tough Shit!”

Jon Stewart's Take on Sen. Bunning: The GOP’s Next Top Obstructionist

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Senate After Dark
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

Iowa Congress Spares Masturbatory Drivers

Masturbating motorists across Iowa were relieved to hear that the Iowa Senate did not include “masturbation” as part of its bill outlawing texting-while-driving. Unlike the Iowa House’s version, the Iowa Senate passed a tougher bill that would not only ban texting while driving but would put the kibosh on reading text messages as well (although the bill made no explicit distinction between texting and sexting).

Despite lawmakers pleas for including other dangerous activities while driving, the Senate spared the following language from its bill: masturbation, playing Suduko, paddle ball, thumb wrestling, changing baby or senior citizen’s diaper, spinning records on turntable, juggling, balancing checkbook, doing laundry by hand, thumbing through seed catalogues, playing Guitar Hero, journaling, tying a Windsor knot, opening CD packaging or using common sense.

(This is a dramatization: The driver is a professional actor and certified stunt man and you should not try this in you own car while driving, even though it is not illegal.)

Lobbyists representing MAMD (Mothers Against Masturbatory Drivers) said they were disappointed neither bill included masturbation but vowed to keep up pressure on lawmakers. “How many victims of auto-eroticism will it take before lawmakers realize that driving and masturbating don’t go hand-in-hand,” one lobbyist said.

Opponents of adding “masturbation” to the bill argued that there’s no significant difference between masturbating and driving a manual transmission, admitting, however, that the former may lead to carpal tunnel.

Political Fallout Public Service Announcement:

Remember: Friends don’t let friends masturbate and drive. Reach out and give a hand; the life you're saving may be your own.

‘Confessions of a Cold War Veteran’ Sounds Off

Surprise, surprise: I've launched yet another blog, "Confessions of a Cold War Veteran."

Part memoir, part humor/satire, part pop-culture, and like our government's annual budget -- 50 percent Military Industrial Complex.



Delay cadence/Count cadence/Delay cadence/Count!

One!...

I confess, dear Civilian, I am not a Catholic nor am I a war veteran, rather I am a veteran of the Cold War, not to mention a narcissist. Regarding the latter, why else would I create my own blog, the fifth to date? If I weren’t narcissistic, I wouldn’t be able to convince myself that there is some niche of readers floating in Cyberland who gives a damn about me and what I have to say or what thoughts are trip-wired in my brain, especially when the primary subject is Me.

Hey everyone, look at me! Over here, look at me…!

Or maybe the niche I have created is a mere figment of my imagination that consists of an audience of one? In that case, please do excuse me, dear Civilian, if at times you catch me talking to myself; the theory being that if you cannot hold a conversation with yourself, the notion of carrying on a conversation with fellow members of your species is futile. At least that’s what Therapist Bob tells me. Speaking of whom, it was Therapist Bob, my psychological and spiritual and financial adviser, who recommended that I start yet another blog as a means of publicly purging my experiences while actively serving in the Army during the tail-end of the Cold War during the late ‘80s, thus tearing down the wall erected between the right and left sides of my brain.

Moreover, based on Therapist Bob’s recommendations, Confessions of a Cold War Veteran will provide me with a safe, nuclear-free space to share my insights as a Cold War Veteran on contemporary issues, military and otherwise.

Hence, a blog was born: Confessions of a Cold War Veteran...

Read rest of debut post at Confessions of a Cold War Veteran and don't forget to bookmark page and tell all of your friends, your IRS agent and the neighbor down the street who is described as a quiet, lonely man who keeps to himself (but does not live in his mother's basement, where he spends his waking hours blogging).

Sarah Palin 2012: Let the Rapture Begin (SNL video included)

Like big fat bullies, Rush Limbaugh (dare I repeat myself?) and genital warts, some irritants never seem to go away regardless of how hard you try to ignore them or how much you douse them in vats of white vinegar. I’ve tried employing the former techniques when it comes to Sarah Palin, hoping she would disappear from the political landscape, forever, but to no avail.

Although this may hold true for Alaskans, the rest of the country has been under siege with the release of her new book “Going Rogue: An American Life,” which by the way, happens to coincide with the release of teaser pictures of her grandchild’s biological father Levi Johnston’s debut in “Playgirl” magazine (both events categorized as official precursors to Armageddon by the Doomsday Society for a Better America). Now it’s only a matter of time before Big Johnston jokes start popping up all over the Internet, but fortunately Political Fallout has risen above these types of sophomoric dick jokes, so we’ll pass on any cheap digs here.

Ironically, as some members (no pun intended) of the teabaggin’ element on the right are licking their parched lips with the prospect of Palin making another run for American’s highest throne (not including the one soon to-be-vacated by Oprah ), their counterparts on the left are licking their chops with equal delight at this prospect as well, thinking a Palin run will guarantee four more years of President Obama.

But what if Palin wins in 2012?

Should that be the case, let the Rapture begin, since that’s when my 5,125-year-long Mayan Long Count desk calendar runs out of pages anyway, which can only mean one of two things: the end of the world or the deluxe edition of the Mayan Long Count desk calendar hitting stores everywhere just in time for the holidays – assuming the War on Christmas hasn’t already wiped these dates from our secular calendars.

In the meantime, “Saturday Night Live” has used its prophetic powers this weekend to give us an apocalyptic glimpse into the future:

Sarah Palin 2012: The Trailer



On that note, I leave you with the following piece of advice, free of charge: be careful what you wish for.

Will Ferrell's Protect Insurance Companies PSA

The folks over at Funny or Die (which by the way is not a slogan for biparisan health care advocates) unveiled an exclusive Public Service Announcement lampooning Big Hellth Insurance, which, for whatever reason, keeps sliding under the public ire radar.

(Sarcasm Alert: subjecting yourself to the following video may overload your sarcasm threshold, thus prompting immediate care from a nearby by ER -- assuming your health insurer covers SOS (Sarcasm Overload Syndrome).

Something Terrible is Happening! (Will Ferrell & Friends)

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

F*** Obama’s Health Care Reform

My favorite 4-letter F-word is, you guessed it: FREE.

Despite the cautionary advice that “nothing is free” or “you can’t get something for nothing,” I’m a sucker for free stuff. What can I say, I’m a public school teacher, and I know better than to jump into the middle of a rabid teacher scrum when post-it pads are at stake.

If anyone has mastered giving away free stuff with an invisible price tag attached, it’s Obama, Inc. Obama the Campaigner mastered giveaway marketing during his presidential bid and has lobbed these practices into his presidential money-raising strategy. During the campaign, my addiction to free-stuff helped me procure an “Obama ‘08” bumper sticker and button, neither of which I contributed any money -- despite the accompanying solicitations for donations.

Regarding the latter, I will admit that I was thoroughly disappointed when my button showed up and it was the size of a quarter and could only be seen with satellite vision. I realize size isn’t supposed to matter, but I was too embarrassed to sport my new microscopic button in public, as if the button itself symbolized my free-stuff addiction. Either that or I had an affliction of button envy and was not about to compensate for my inadequacies by sporting a flag pin on the lapel of my collared t-shirt.

More recently, Obama, Inc. was giving away free bumper stickers to help push its health care reform through the dysfunctional aisles of Congress. All I had to do was sign a petition pledging my support for President Obama’s three principles for real heath care reform.



Unfortunately, I will have to wait 4-6 weeks until my free bumper sticker arrives. By then, the duct tape keeping my bumper attached to my car could become unglued, much like Obama’s health care objectives once it gets tied down with red tape and green lobby money in Congress. Although 6 weeks in Congress is a mere blink-of-the-eye in the big picture of getting things accomplished. As the old saying goes, “If you don’t like the way things are going in Congress, just wait a couple of years and you still won’t like the way things are going in Congress.”

In the meantime, I’ve decided to come up with my own bumper sticker ideas, one of which I may order from an online bumper-sticker company:

1. My Other Car is a Health Insurance Payment

2. All I Wanted Was Real Health Care Reform, and All I Got Was This Lousy Bumper Sticker

3. Cancer Happens!

4. W.W.J.I.? (Who Would Jesus Insure?)

5. Coming to a Hospital Near You: Attack of the Right Wingnuts Socialized Health Scare

6. Underinsured Baby on Board

7. So it goes...!

8. FREE Obama's Real Health Care Reform!!!

Originally posted on sister site: Say Something Funny

Scott Bateman: John McCain versus Health Care

While trying to follow the GOP's line of argument against including a public option in health care reform, I found myself sniffing the rear end of Wile E. Coyote in an underground tunnel just outside of Alburquerque. Go figure.

Scott Bateman: John McCain versus Health Care

Open Letter to Sen. Grassley: Real Health Care Reform

Dear Senator Grassley:

My monthly health insurance premiums are killing me, literally.

I wish I was speaking hyperbolically. And no, I’m not a hypochondriac: Who could afford to these days with skyrocketing health care and insurance costs, especially in the midst of an economic crisis?

One of my biggest fears, other than Congress sabotaging a golden opportunity to reform health care (If only we could sue our elected officials for Political Malpractice, eh?), is my mailbox. You heard me right Sen. Grassley: my mailbox. But before you file me away under “Crazy Constituents” and cast aside this letter, I implore you to hear me out.

It’s not that I’m afraid of mailboxes per se, rather it’s what’s lurking in them that scares the living bejesus out of me: bills. I am especially afraid of reconnaissance bills which attempt to lessen the inevitable financial and subsequent psychological blows, claiming they are not bills with “THIS IS NOT A BILL” emboldened in the letterhead. Not yet, anyhow.

In March I received one of these non-Bills in my mailbox from my health insurance provider, Wellmark BlueCross Blueshield of Iowa informing me they want to raise my monthly premium 17.3 percent from $529 to $641, which covers me and my three sons (ages 1, 4 and 7). Given the effective change date was to be April 1st, I initially thought Wellmark was playing an April Fool’s Day joke on me. After all, what reputable, legal business can jack their price up 17 percent and still stay in business during an economic crisis? Reputability aside, Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma are the only industries that can pull this off, while Our employers, The Big Three Branches of Government, haggle over policy proposals while We sit by and watch our savings accounts bleed to death, one painful payment at a time -- hoping to elude Bankruptcy’s knock at the front door.

Speaking of which, according to a recent Harvard Medical study that will be published in the August issue of “The American Journal of Medicine” indicates that Bankruptcy will come knocking on an estimated 1.5 million American doors this year and 60 percent of these will result from an inability to keep pace with incoming medical expenses.

But who am I to tell you, Sen. Grassley, about bankruptcy. After all, as Chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, you helped usher in the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act (BAPCPA), which makes it more difficult for individuals to file for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. Shame on the uninsured and under-insured consumers for taking advantage of our country’s vulnerable and financially unstable health care business, eh?

Like you, Sen. Grassley, I’ve served the public my entire adult life, working at all levels of the government. I served two years active duty in Germany with the Army, followed by working seven years with the City of Iowa City as a swimming pool manager during college, and I have been working the past twelve years teaching high school English in Iowa City. Moreover, I’ve been coaching junior high swimming to help fill the financial gap and pay my monthly insurance premiums.

Unlike you, however, my employer’s health care benefit is no longer an option. Although the school district pays for an individual premium ($485/month), I would have to kick in an additional $750/month for a family plan (that’s $1235/month, which is more than our mortgage payment and property taxes, so I’ve had to purchase my own policy).

Unlike you, I have been struggling to pay my monthly health insurance premiums for the past seven years, and I’m on the verge of dropping into the health care casualty pool of the uninsured, thus driving up the costs of the insured – unless drastic reforms are implemented soon.

Now, since you are technically one of my employees, I thought I would tell you what needs to be done to help draft and pass real health care reform that is more cost efficient, affordable, and accessible. Ideally, a single-payer system, where all working Americans buy into the system makes the most sense, especially since it removes for-profit incentives from the equation which is immoral in the first place. I realize National Health Care scares some folks, who feel threatened and turn to their Socialism crutches as an only retort and feel the need to resort to fear mongering.

Like my mailbox phobia, these fears seem irrational, since we already implemented a similar system: Medicare. My 73-year-old mother, a lifelong Republican who worked as a billing receptionist for a neurosurgeon, always complained about how difficult it was to get payments from the private industry compared to Medicare. She also contends that the biggest causes of the problems facing this industry are when health insurance became attached to employment and when Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma hopped into bed together.

To help legitimize and rationalize their fears, I’m sure opponents of a public option are out researching industrialized countries with a national health care program, scouring for health care horror stories. If that’s the case, I suggest they start digging in our own back yard and talk to the survivors of the estimated 22,000 Americans who died last year because they didn’t have adequate health care coverage.

But I also realize you’re under a lot of pressure from lobbyists representing Big Health Insurance and Big Pharma, who fear they will be driven out of business if the government sets up shop, so I’m willing to make a compromise and let you push through a public option. That way, those who are afraid of the S-word taking over their lives can stick with their current policy. Personally, I’m more afraid of whether or not I will be able to pay my premium next month and what will happen to my any one of my sons, should we lose coverage in the near future, than being called a Socialist.

If anything I have conveyed to you in this letter does not make any sense, maybe I can simplify and condense my message into Twitter format, something you are more familiar with, Sen. Grassley:

"Sen Grassley u got nerve sayin u bipartisan u only partisan to BiG Hellth INsurnce and PharMA. Put da profit hammer down start actin morally"

Sincerely,
T.M. Lindsey
Iowa City, IA

Anti-Gay Marriage Wingnuts Thank Colbert for Mocking Them

When your livelihood is teetering between living on the fringe and living in obscurity, I guess there is no such thing as negative publicity. This may explain why the National Organization for Marriage sent a letter thanking Stephen Colbert for parodying their new ad, “The Gathering Storm”:

"I've always thought Stephen Colbert was a double-agent, pretending to pretend to be a conservative, to pull one over Hollywood. Now I'm sure," said Maggie Gallagher, President of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM).

"Thank you Stephen for playing our ad in full on national television--for free. HRC eat your heart out. Plus we all had a great chuckle, too!" said Brian Brown, NOM's Executive Director. "Where can I make a donation to the National Organization for Colbert?"

As if Colbert really needed any help, given the ad is a parody of itself. If I had originally seen this ad run during “Saturday Night Live,” I, based on the hyperbole, certainly would have thought it was a parody.

The Colbert Coalition’s Anti-Gay Marriage Ad (April 16, 2009)

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

And now that I, a lowly blogger on the front-lines of the culture war in Iowa, have brought even more attention to the NOM’s Gay-Marriage Crusade, I imagine it’s merely a matter of minutes before this post pops up on their Google alerts and the staff sends me a thank-you letter.

Unlike Colbert, however, this type of attention may actually boost my career.

Best Parody of Anti-Gay Marriage NOM’s “Gathering Storm” Ad

It was only a matter of time before somebody created a parody of the National Organization for Marriage hyperbolic ad “Gathering Storm”:

The Teabaggin’ Revolution: Rebels Without a Full Teapot

When I think of teabagging, I can’t help but think about John Waters’ “Pecker.”

I was first exposed to teabagging while watching John Waters’ “Pecker” on the big screen in 1998. The film’s protagonist, Pecker, a Baltimore sandwich employee becomes an overnight success when pictures of his eccentric family become the new rage in the modern art world. During a scene in a gay bar, Pecker whips out his 35 millimeter camera and snaps pictures of a stripper teabagging one of the customers, which is strictly forbidden by the female barkeep in spite of customer requests to have the dancers bounce and drag their balls across their balding foreheads – in exchange for a sizeable tip of course.

And now, the GOP is mixing metaphors with its Tax Day Tea Party and call for widespread teabagging across the nation on Tax Day. In a feeble attempt to co-opt the Boston Tea Party, the GOP has inadvertently co-opted teabagging in its mixed-metaphor crossfire.



Ms. Liberty, embarassed by being dragged against her will to rally by Teabaggers, hides her face in shame

The thought of the sexually repressed GOP, armed with fully-loaded DSB (Dreaded Sperm Buildup) teabags and collectively dragging them across the receding landscape of America sends shudders down my spine to my teabags.

Ironically, the GOP and its foot soldiers are aiming their pent-up anger at the Obama administration for increasing taxes and blaming him for the current economic plight, when it was the previous administration, led by He Who Must Not Be Named, which ran up the deficit and broke America’s economic back.

Boy, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

Better yet, it must be great to have selective amnesia.

It’s only fitting that the Howard Beale inspired I’m-Mad-as-Hell-and-I’m-Not-Going-to-Take-It-Anymore faux frenzy has been fueled by the leader of faux news, FOX News, who I imagine is fronting for Lipton. Now Fox News is co-opting Beale -- a byproduct of the satiric film “Network (1976),” which prophesized the co-opting of the news media by sacrificing journalistic integrity for entertainment and higher television ratings. Sound familiar?

Read rest of post and view pics/captions/ at sister site Say Something Funny

Iowa’s Culture War: And the God-Fearing Homophobes Will Rise Again?

Upon the heels of Easter weekend and the celebration of the resurrection of God’s only child, Jesus Christ, the Religious Right (alias GOP) grabbed their pitchforks and stormed the Iowa State Capitol Monday demanding that the Democratic majority put forward a bill that would change the Iowa Constitution by redefining marriage “between a man and a woman.”

This begs the question: W.W.J.D.?

Despite His pledge to help the down trodden, me thinks Jesus, unlike the GOP*, would run away from the oxymoronic Religious Right.

*You know it’s hard out there for the minority.

Moreover, recent GOP actions beg the question:

Which one of the following poses the least threat to Iowans?:

A) GOP gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Putz vowing, if elected, will use his executive powers to help erode the Iowa Constitution and take over the judicial branch (sinister, Howdy Doody laugh here)

B) God-fearing Christians sending threatening, vindictive, “Your-gonna-burn-in-hell” e-mails to state Dem legislators

C) A man of the cloth espousing the fear-mongering notion that gay marriage is worse than floods, because it “erodes the soul” and “destroys generations”

D) Anonymous caller who makes death threats towards openly gay Sen. Matt McCoy, D-Des Moines

E) Two same-sex people who love each other and want to make a lifetime commitment to one another

Traditionally, this would be a no-brainer, but we all know the potential harm of blindly sticking to tradition, eh? So I will spell the answer out for you: E.

Now it’s bad enough we have our own homegrown, cornfed zealots to worry about without the Christian Right rounding up the Usual Suspects and shipping them off to Iowa to spew their vitriolic venomous messages of hate. Although Rev. Fred Phelps and his rabid, inbred clan of Homo-Haters have yet to load up their wagons, literally, and head to Iowa, the National Organization for Marriage launched a pre-emptive propaganda attack with a $1.5 million ad campaign intended to promote fear through scripted testimonials of how gay marriage destroyed these peoples’ fragile lives:

National Organization for Marriage’s “Gathering Storm” (This is a Dramatization*)




*On her show the other night, Rachel Maddow took on the ad’s legitimacy by showing bootleg audition tapes somehow procured by the Human Rights Campaign. The video shows straight people auditioning to play straight people whose “straightness” has been threatened by gay marriage.

The Rachel Maddow Show (clips begins at 2:07 minute mark)

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

As of today this video was pulled from YouTube, because the NOM folks said it was a copyright infringement.

So let me get this straight, using a syllogism if you will:

The National Organization for Marriage fears Rachel Maddow.
The National Organization for Marriage is God-fearing.
Rachel Maddow is God.

I knew it! I knew all along that God is a lesbian woman.

Thank Rachel for that!

But the laugh last is still on NOM, who really didn’t think through their anti-gay marriage campaign beyond the fear-mongering and bigotry components. NOM dubbed its campaign “2 Million for Marriage.” Or the acronym: 2M4M (translation for the Acronym Challenged: Two Men for Men). Where do they get off promoting such behavior?

To add insult to ignorance, some civil rights group, “Two Men for Marriage,” bought up their domain, “2m4m.org”

What can I say when this satire literally writes itself. I’m looking forward to more satiric servings from NOM, so BRING IT ON!!! (My team of hot-shot lawyers is waiting with open arms...)