Deconstructing Yepsen: Tales from the Intellectually Lazy

While raising money for an "Intellectually Lazy" charity event, David Shark-Toothed Yepsen devours a H*thead L*beral Activist.

Just when you thought it was safe to read the “Des Moines Register” again (cue Jaws’ theme music here), David Yepsen opened his mouth and attempted to unleash some analysis of the Iowa Legislature’s 2007 session. Similar to the Democrat Majority’s approach of playing it safe this year, Yepsen’s scratch-‘n’-surf political analysis has avoided catching any major waves.

It was only a matter of time before the little voice inside Yepsen’s head would resurface as well as Yepsen’s trademark style and dependency on chopped logic and logical fallacies. Let’s take an “intellectually lazy” look at some of Yepsen’s analytical tells in his latest diatribe, “High hopes deflate the 2007 legislative session”:

1. When all else fails, blame Satan, or worse, teachers and public employees.

Yepsen: “Today, Democrats are more influenced by various spending constituencies, such as teacher and public-employee unions.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: Why does Yepsen continue to scapegoat unions and bash teachers? This may mean delving into Yepsen’s psyche and probing his pre-pubescent schooling experiences with a teacher who permanently scarred young David. I’m not sure I want to step into the dark side, where I may encounter a stack of Yepsen’s analysis papers submerged in a sea of blood-red ink. In Yepsen’s defense, teachers make great targets for scapegoatinly lazy people and for writers who are too lazy to look up scathing adverbs (e.g. scapegoatingly), so make up their own instead.

2. Attack “the Left” (code word for L*berals).

Yepsen: “Some on the left have grown so intellectually lazy they can only measure success by how much more they spend - not by any results they get.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: None. Irony speaks for itself.

3. Attack “the Left” (code word for L*beral Activists) Part II.

Yepsen: “Last week, for example, a profane shouting match erupted in the rotunda between some of these folks (L*beral Activists) and Democratic leader Mike Gronstal. They want public funding of election campaigns. He knows most Iowans don't want to use public money to pay for politics, and that Republicans would just find other ways to spend their money to defeat Democrats. So, he and other Democrats are saying no, and tempers flared. So ... one thing to watch in coming weeks is how centrist Democratic legislators and the liberal hotheads patch up their differences.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: Had David done his homework, he may have discovered that a nonpartisan poll conducted by Public Campaign found that 74% of those polled favored public campaign financing. What most Iowans don’t want is their elected officials spending their time raising over $500,000 for an election they’re either not running in (e.g. Sen. Gronstal) or they’re running unopposed (e.g. Rep. Rants).

4. Lose your temper and resort to name calling.

Yepsen: "So ... one thing to watch in coming weeks is how centrist Democratic legislators and the liberal hotheads patch up their differences.”

Lazy Intellectual Response: Hey now, simmer down big fella. No need to get testy and call people “hotheads,” or worse, a “centrist.” Feelings don’t grow on trees, you know? Besides, in the incident Yepsen’s referencing, a VOICE activist called Gronstal a “Republican in Democrat Clothing,” and it was Gronstal who lost his temper and responded with, “…Kiss my ass” before stomping off and dropping an F-Bomb from afar. So, who’s the hothead here, David? Had you or your paper covered this story, maybe your name calling would’ve been properly aligned with the proper subjects. Golly David, seeing how the Newspaper Association has been actively lobbying against the VOICE bill, maybe you’re right about one thing: the Democrats ARE being influenced by some spending constituencies. Meow.

Although Yepsen’s little voice did resurface in his latest effort, David did refrain from injecting his Political Editorial Omniscient (P.E.O.) narrator into his commentary. Although, Yepsen did resort to using slanted language and name-calling, which may be construed by the intellectually lazy as a step backwards in his political punditry progress. But how would I know, I’m nothing but a L*beral H*thead. (cue Jaws' theme music here)
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Cross-posted at “Surviving Yepsen”

Even the Losers Get Lucky Sometimes…

Americans are obsessed with losers, and thanks to the foresight of the Republican Majority 80th U.S. Congress, which led the Twenty-second Amendment drive nearly fifty years ago, we don’t have to worry about electing a loser for the third time. Whew! Although, in the world of politics, losing does have its distinct plusses; just ask Al Gore, whose recent success with the “Inconvenient Truth” may not have happened had he won (the Supreme Court’s ruling) in 2000. And we all know what happened to the popular vote loser, eh? (see pic)

And then there’s John Kerry, who…never mind. Although, his high-priced Democrat campaign consultant, Bob Shrum, keeps rolling in the dough, despite his 0-7 win-loss record in the presidential campaign consulting biz. (Hey Bob, I heard the Oakland Raiders are looking for another coach to hop on Al Davis’s Losers’ Carousel of Musical Coaches.) Howard Dean’s unraveling in ‘04 landed him a gig as head honcho of the Democratic National Committee. Jim Nussle’s trouncing by Chet Culver paved the way for Jimmy the Hustler to become the top consultant of Giuliani’s campaign in Iowa. Tom Vilsack’s failed presidential bid not only helped him ensnare a Sugar Mama, Hillary Just Hillary, who’s helping him pay off his $400,000+ campaign debt, but Vilsack also procured national co-chairman of Hillary, Inc. Losing in politics pays dividends. In fact, I’m contemplating testing this theory with a possible ’08 presidential bid:

My Campaign Motto: “I’m in to Lose!”

Campaign Slogan: “If a loser like you-know-who can win twice, a loser like me can win at least once.”

Campaign Theme Songs: Bob Seeger’s “Beautiful Loser,” & Tom Petty’s “Even the Losers (Get Lucky Sometimes)”

Campaign Mantra/Battle Cry: John Wesley Harding’s “The Patron Saint of Losers”

…Deliver me, deliver me from that which I've undone
Cos if you're looking for a loser, I might just be one
Martyrdom's the only thing that faguely turns me on
Cos I'm the Patron Saint…

Although, I’m a wee bit hesitant to test the “Political Loser Theory,” especially since Iowa’s very own Sal Mohamed’s candidacy has yet to resonate and pay off. Sal’s distant fourth-place finish in the ’06 Iowa Democrat Primary has yet to catapult him into the spotlight of fame and fortune.

Speaking of politics and losers, fallen “American Idol” loser, Sanjaya Malakar (see pic), has been making the rounds on the prime-time circuit, spreading his message of hope to fellow losers across America, who have come to depend upon Sanjaya to help them make it through the minutia of the day. Thanks for helping keep my dreams alive, Sanjaya.

Sanjaya appeared on “The Tonight Show” last Thursday and is scheduled to show up on the "Late Show with David Letterman" tonight; not to mention he's landed gigs on "Live with Regis and Kelly"and "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." Sanjaya’s recent loser phenomenon reminds me of another loser, only in the world of Olympic Ski Jumping. In the 1988 Winter Olympics, Great Britain’s Eddie “the Eagle” Edwards (see pic) became quite a phenomenon after finishing dead last in every ski jump event. While his performance embarrassed the British and the ski-jump sports world, Eddie “the Eagle” was embraced by Americans; he too made his rounds on the talk-show circuit. In response to the Edwards' phenomenon, in 1990 the International Olympic Committee (IOC) instituted what became known as the "Eddie the Eagle Rule," which requires Olympic hopefuls to compete in international events and place in the top 30 percent or the top 50 competitors. Apparently not everyone has a soft spot in their hearts for our beloved losers. I wonder if “American Idol” plans on instituting the Sanjaya Rule?

On Saturday night, Sanjaya was invited to the White House Correspondent Dinner, where he would join fellow losers, George Bush and ‘80s throwback comedian, Rich Little. I though he was dead? I made a late-night run to McDonalds to get a chocolate milkshake, and lo and behold, there ol’ Rich was broadcasted live on McTelevisions. (Warning: Mixing FOX TV with McDonalds can be fatally toxic to your mind and body. It’s recommended to sample both separately and in moderation, although Political Fallout recommends abstaining from both.)

The only joke I happened to catch was a bit about lawyers and assholes. Rich used the word assholes not once but twice. I think it may have been the same joke he intended to use 22 years ago, before FOX TV’s conception, when it was blacklisted by the media censors. Although I found the joke old school, the young kids standing in line in front of me, who were waiting for their Happy Meals, thought it was a real hoot. So much for playing it too safe.

Ho Hummmm…

How about a rerun from last year’s White House Correspondent Dinner, when Stephen Colbert, thanks to divine intervention, was invited to roast President Bush and the media:



I’m guessing Colbert wasn’t invited back to this year’s festivities. What a loser, huh?

Every Day is Earth Day, eh?

Many moons ago, local Iowa City band, Dagobah (formerly Captain Barney), hit the biodegradable nail on the head with their song, “Every Day is Earth Day.” Unfortunately, the prospect of acting as Mother Earth’s steward 365 days a year was too daunting a task for most Americans, so in 1970, on the 22nd day of April, Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin created Earth Day. After witnessing an oil spill off the cost of Santa Barbara in 1969, Nelson was inspired to make his Earth Day declaration, which has grown to be the largest secular holiday in the world, although remains a distant second to the secular Christmas holiday celebrated in the United States.

Like Hallmark, the creators of Valentines Day who set aside one day of the year when people can think about love and what it symbolizes (greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, and teddy bears with hearts embroidered on their chests), Nelson wanted to earmark one day each year when people could think about the plight of Mother Earth and what it symbolizes (your environmental platitude here).

Similarly, politicians take their environmental cues on Earth Day by trading in their suits for a pair of crisp Carhart jeans, a pair of working boots, and a long-sleeved work shirt (usually rolled up to mid-forearm to indicate that they’re willing to get their hands dirty, but not too dirty, for they have to go back to the office tomorrow morning and spend the next 364 days ignoring environmental issues).

Speaking of ignoring the environment, it looks like Iowa’s 82nd General Assembly has pretty much swept most of the major environmental reforms underneath Mother Earth’s rug, either completely ignoring them or killing them off in committee. Despite overwhelming public support for CAFO (Confined Animal Feeding Operation) Regulation (HF 873), the Trifectaphobic Democrat Majority appears determined to kill this bill, taking their cues from Culver’s newly overhauled Agribusiness Protection Committee. The only major environmentally-related bill still on the table is Governor Culver’s highly touted $100 million Power Fund. Although, given the amount of money raised for Iowa offices in last year’s elections and the descriptor “power,” it’s hard to tell if Culver’s talking about campaign or renewable energy funds.

But we cannot sit around and wait for politicians to take action to protect Mother Earth’s borders; we must take it upon ourselves to ensure Her safety.

Political Fallout’s Things YOU Can Do to Help Protect Mother Earth’s Borders:

1. Whenever somebody tells you Global Warming is a hoax, open up a can of Lysol on ‘em and spray it in their eyes and say, “How does that feel? You think Mother Earth likes it? Huh? Do you? Huh?” (Note: This is a dramatization and is only meant to be played out in your imagination.)

2. Participate in the “Litterbug Catch and Release Program.” Any time you see somebody litter or flick their cigarette butt on the ground, apprehend them and call the authorities, who will arrest them and either release them in the Iowa River or sentence them to hard time in the city land fill (formerly known as “The Dump”).

3. Play a rousing game of “Capture a Young Republican,” whose 2000 Earth Day motto was "EARTH FIRST! We'll log Earth first, other planets later!" Once all the Young Republicans in your area have been captured, have them deported to the Amazon Rain Forest, where we’ve already helped deplete a significant portion of their trees.

4. Bring in Iowa’s National Guard and have both remaining members take turns guarding Mother Nature’s borders around the clock, keeping Her secure from Us 24/7.
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More Earth Day Fallout:

“Basu: Leadership key to environment” (Des Moines Register)

Iowa Lawmakers’ Got Game?

While key legislation hangs in the balance of the DMZ (Democrat Majority Zone), where bills such as VOICE, CAFO, and Civil Rights have been sentenced to solitary confinement, our legislators find refuge in mindless games, such as computer solitaire, on the House and Senate floors. Why engage in meaningful debate, when you can play by yourself?

(Political Surgeon General's Warning: Playing computer solitaire in either the House or Senate chamber may lead to carpal tunnel, bills Killed in Committee (KIC), negative public perceptions, pent up frustrations which lead to verbal outbursts on unsuspecting public citizens in the state capital corridor, or worse, a political leadership position.)

It appears freshmen lawmakers aren’t allowed to sit at the big table when the session winds down, as their leaders play their political games behind closed doors. Senate Minority Leader and occasional gamer Mary “She’s Got Game” Lundby wasn’t too surprised when Sen. Bill Heckroth, D-Waverly, took the Senate floor on Thursday decrying his colleagues' behavior during legislative sessions:

“As a new senator, it just didn’t make me feel real good to think that that’s our image,” said Heckroth, who was first elected last November. “You hear enough bad things about being a politician.”

Gamer Lundby shrugged off Heckroth’s advice: “Freshmen are always shocked by what goes on,” Lundby said. “Next year, he won’t even mention it. He’ll probably be playing games.”

Senate Sultan of Solitaire Mary Lundby: "Got game? Bring it on!"

In the meantime, since our freshmen lawmakers aren't allowed to pariticpate in the political games, maybe we should put them to work, or give them something to do while killing time.

List of Seven Things Freshmen Lawmakers Can Do While Their Leaders Are Off Killing Bills in Committee:

7. Gather holy oils for ceremonial anointment of congressional leaders' feet when they descend upon the den of slackdom and impart their representative wisdom

6. Download music, ring tones, and games before the tax hammer falls

5. Go mow the bosses’ lawn and try their bureaucratic scissorhands at the topiary arts (Note: the proposed starting Terrace Hill groundskeeper salary is $5000 more than that of an entry-level lawmaker)

4. Surf Iowa political blogs and, using clever pseudonyms, leave snarky comments about their leaders (see comments below)

3. Sneak off to Taco John's and beat Mary “She’s Got Game” Lundby’s high score on Galaga, so you can enter SUX above her initials (Tee Hee:))

2. Babysit, chauffeur, and protect the Bossman’s kids, saving the taxpayers an additional $250,000

1. Go raise another $500,000, so they can buy a leadership gig and join in the political leadership games

Sen. Gronstal Drops F-Bomb on Iowans' VOICE

Republicans in Democrat Clothes???

Apparently there’s one thing Dick Cheney doesn’t own, and that’s the rights to dropping F-Bombs on Corporate Hill. Following in his footsteps, Iowa’s new Senate Majority Leader Mike “I’m Not a Crook” Gronstal dropped a “kiss my ass” coupled with an F-Bomb on VOICE activists at the state capitol yesterday.

Duck and Cover!!!

Now that’s leadership, eh?

According to news reports and eyewitness accounts, VOICE activists, who had gathered for an organized lobbying effort at the State House, cornered Gronstal and tried to engage him into a discussion about the fate of the VOICE bill, which has been stuck in committee. The one-sided discussion/lecture got a little heated, until an older activist threw kerosene on the fire and said, “Your nothing but a Republican in Democrat clothing.”

Now thems fightin’ words!

Duck and Cover!!!

“That's the lowest blow that anyone's ever dealt me. You can kiss my ass!"

Shocked and awed by Gronstal’s attack, the VOICE activists barely had enough time to wipe off the vulgar debris, before Gronstal pushed the button and dropped an F-Bomb on their unsuspecting heads.

Sen. Gronstal refused to talk to reporters and stomped off to his office. After giving himself a “Time Out” in his office, Senator Gronstal released the following statement:

“Someone called me a crook. I lost my temper and ended the conversation.”

Iowa Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal: "I'm not a crook!"

By crook, did Gronstal mean Republican?

Uh oh....Duck and Cover!!!
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More Fallout: Gronstal’s F-Bomb Double-Doppler Tracker...

Watch video clip, “Tense Talk at Statehouse” (WOI TV-5)

Read & Take Action!: “Gronstal to Iowa Voters – F*ck You!” (Blog for Iowa)

My VOICE LTE: "Take special-interest money out of elections" (Des Moines Register)

F-Bomb Warning Signs: "Pass public financing for Iowa campaigns" (Des Moines Register)

VOICE Bill: “Special Interests, Nevermore!”

Today is “Lobby Day” at the Iowa State Capital (High Noon), as lobbyists across the state gather and urge our elected officials to pass VOICE (Voter-Owned Iowa Clean Elections). Despite the Democrat Majority Leaders' attempt to silence the bill by killing it in committee, the people of Iowa are making their voices heard. Should VOICE die in committee, I can only imagine the psychological burdens those responsible for allowing it to do so will have to face -- as their guilt comes rapping, rapping at their chamber doors…

Quoth the Raven: "Special Interests, Nevermore!"

“The Raven’s VOICE” (Parody of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven”)

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten Democratic lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the House chamber door.
`'Tis some constituent,' I muttered, `tapping at the House chamber door--
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was the end of April
And the VOICE bill wrought its ghost upon the House Appropriations’ floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; -- vainly I had sought to borrow
From my constituents whose voices had been silenced in committee --
And replaced by special interests whose influence helps shape Democracy --
Nameless here, ‘tis such a pity.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtainThrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating`'Tis some voter entreating entrance at the House chamber door -
Some late voter entreating entrance at the House chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at the House chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Democracy Yore’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Democracy Yore!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the House chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at the window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -'
Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately bird of the saintly days of Democracy yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above the house chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above the House chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above the House chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
Those three words, as if his soul in those words he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow will he leave me, as my hopes have flown before.
'Then the bird said, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Special Interests, Never-nevermore."

'But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, special interests, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Democracy yore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Democracy yore!
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Democracy Yore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Democracy Yore?
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!
'Quoth the raven, `Special Interests, Nevermore.'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the House chamber floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

Lucy: “Iowa Democratic Majority Suffering Trifectaphobia"

Only 10 days remain in this year’s legislative session in Iowa, and a number of pivotal bills have not only flown under the radar of the Iowa media, but also have managed to find refuge in the DMZ (Democrat Majority Zone). In lieu of sending these bills out into battle, where they can be discussed and debated on the chamber floors, the new Democrat Majority leaders have silenced the bills, condemning them to a fate worse than any imaginable form of torture: Death by Committee! (Note: Death by Committee has been recently banned by the British Parliament, who cited the torture as barbarous and inhumane.)

Although some hope remains, the following bills face the KIC (Killed in Committee) Treatment: Voter-Owned Iowa Clean Elections (HSB 805), CAFO (Confined Animal Feeding Operation) Regulation (HF 873), and the Civil Rights Bill (SF 427).

With the Democrats in charge of both houses and the executive branch of Iowa, these bills appeared destined to pass during this session. But as we all know, nothing is a given in the Underworld of Politics. Perplexed by the Majority’s paralysis, I sought to tap the infinite wisdom of Lucy, an untrained, yet affordable psychiatrist:


Political Fallout: Say Lucy, how come Iowa’s new Democrat Majority leaders are helping kill bills in committee?

Lucy: Isn’t it obvious?

Political Fallout: No, that’s why I’m asking you.

Lucy: I wish I could help, but I didn’t hear anything hit the bottom of the can?

Political Fallout: (Pulls out a nickel and plops it into can) Now will you help?

Lucy: They suffer from Trifectaphobia.

Political Fallout: Tri-fect-a-what-a?

Lucy: Phobia. That’s right, Trifectaphobia.

Political Fallout: What’s that?

Lucy: Oh, if I only knew… (I plop another nickel in the can). Ah, sweet sweet music to my ears. Trifectaphobia is the fear of losing power and control. Once all of the power and control has been usurped, the new party’s stranglehold manages to slowly strangle itself to death.

Political Fallout: So, it’s like triangulation strangulation, eh? Is there any way to overcome it?

Lucy: (Bats eyes lovingly) A date with yours truly. And flowers, and a box of chocolates, and holding my hand on the playground when everyone is watching, and…

Political Fallout: Oh, brother. Any other remedies?

Lucy: What the people tend to forget is that they have the power, so phone calls and e-mails to their representatives may help ease leaders' Trifectaphobic tendencies.

Political Fallout: And what if that doesn’t work?

Lucy: I suggest voters began feeding them their tails. So, when will you pick me up for our date? (Bats eyes lovingly) Hmmmm?

Political Fallout: AAAAAhhhggggggggg!!!!