GOP Political Satire Gone Bad: ‘Barack the Magic Negro’

The first sign of satire gone bad, and a catalogued precursor to the Apocalypse for that matter, is when your attempt at satire debuts on Rush Limbaugh’s radio show.

Please, please, please, dear reader, do NOT forward this post to Rush Limbaugh; I have a family to feed and unlike Rush, they cannot survive on barbiturates alone.

Worse, Tennessee Republican Chip Saltsman, who also managed Mike Huckabee’s failed presidential bid, resurrected the racist ditty in question, “Barack the Magic Negro” and sent the song among others recorded on a CD to the Republican National Committee to help get his foot in the door for the RNC chairman gig.

Smooth move Chip.

"Dammit, Jim! I'm not a racist; I'm a proliferator of bad satire."

The song, played to the tune of Peter, Paul and Mary’s “Puff the Magic Dragon” was first played on Limbaugh’s show in 2007. The feeble attempt at satire targets a Los Angeles Times column about white guilt and is sung through Al Sharpton’s parodied point of view.

Chorus:

Barack the Magic Negro
Lives in D.C.
The LA Times they call him that
Because he is not authentic like me

To get a full sense of the racism veiled in satire, feel free to listen to the clip below:

“Barack the Magic Negro” (played live on Rush the Magic Pill-Poppin’ & Ego Strokin’ One-Man Radio Show)




In response to the RNC’s distancing of Saltsman’s Christmas gesture, Chip defended the song: "I think most people recognize political satire when they see it," Saltsman told CNN. "I think RNC members understand that."

Apparently not, Chip. But what they do recognize, unlike Rush and his minions, is bad satire.

Speaking of bad satire/parody, let’s use Mr. Saltsman to help illustrate this, using the chorus to the same tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

“Chip the Magic Hayseed”

Chorus:

Chip the Magic Hayseed
Lives under a rock in Tennessee
Where he frolics with the likes of Huckabee
And distributes racist song parodies…

Santa Claus Turns to Congress for Bailout

It was only a matter of time before the collapse of the free-market hit home for everyone, including Santa Claus and his trusty employees the Elves. Santa took no chances with his top-level executives and made the trip to D.C. himself aboard his environmentaly friendly sleigh.

Santa Claus Bailout Hearings (National Lampoon)



Update: Although the House passed a bill that would help keep Santa afloat with a $25 billion bailout, chances of making it through the holiday season dimmed when the Senate denied Santa, Inc. a helping hand of taxpayer money.

Initially, the bill appeared as if it would sail through the Senate on a one horse open sleigh until the GOP found a suitable political scapegoat: The United Elves and Little Helpers Union (UELH). A few members of the Senate who, like the Winter Warlock from “Santa Clause is Coming to Town,” did not receive any presents as children, blamed Santa’s economic collapse on the unions.
The UELH refused to take wages equal to their top competitors’ workers -- pre-teen children in China.

Moreover, the Elves’ union argued they could barely live on their current wages -- given the exponential rise in the cost-of-living in the North Pole. Some union members have already been forced to live on and commute from the Island of Misfit Toys to help compensate for stagnant wages.

“The Republicans have been trying to bust us up ever since we unionized,” a spokesman for the UELH told Political Fallout in a phone interview. “Maybe they’ll think twice about messing with us when they wake up Christmas morning and find a lump of clean coal in their stockings.”

Last-Minute Christmas Wish List before the Impending Shopocalypse

After watching the classic “The Little Drummer Boy” for the umpteenth time with my boys this evening, I told them that, due to the economic downturn, I don’t have anything to give them this year for Christmas.

Needless to say this didn’t bode well, as tears welled up in their eyes.

“Don’t worry,” I reassured them, “I will give you a piece of my soul to fill the empty void under the Christmas tree and play my guitar for you on Christmas Day.”

Having heard me play before, this only made matters worse.

With less than 72 shopping hours before Jesus’ 2008th Birthday Party remaining and the impending Shopocalypse, I had my work cut out for me. And when staring in the face difficult times like these, I oftentimes turn to the birthday boy himself and ask: “What Would Jesus Buy?”

I know the question is inward, but it does help to channel through Jesus’ messenger Reverend Billy and his loyal flock, the Church of Stop Shopping, for an inspirational spiritual from the church’s choir (which ironically sells its “Shopocalypse” CD online for 15 And-God-We-Trust paper faith-slips each).

Here is a little ditty I always keep in the back of my head when out shopping for whatever reason:

The Church of Stop Shopping Gospel Choir: “Back Away from the Wal-Mart"



While working out the supply-side of the Christmas shopping equation and how to package my soul in anything but plastic, I turned my attention to the demand-side, thinking I could take Rev. Billy’s lead and ask for nothing. Just think, if everyone did this there would be no pressure to feel obligated to give what you don’t have – or charge what you don’t have (and may never have) on your credit card.

But knowing this will only prompt the obligatory “But surely you want something…?” response from those who want, or feel obligated to give me something on somebody else’s birthday, I’ve made a Christmas wish-list that includes items and/or requests that should not bore a hole in the ubiquitous empty pockets this holiday season.

Political Fallout’s 2008 Christmas Wish List (not in any particular order mind you):

1. All members of Iowa Congress to donate any campaign contribution over $2300 they received from an individual donor (which applies to federal elections but not Iowa’s – go figure) to Iowa’s rapidly depleting general fund

2. Iowa’s Democratic majority leadership to return the government to the people of Iowa

3. A backbone (metaphorically speaking of course, since real backbones in politics are rare and expensive) for those in #2 to make my second wish come true

4. Rep. Steve King to retire from Congress and turn his attention to writing his memoir, which, no doubt would be just as horrifying as anything the other Master of Horror Stephen King has penned to date (except maybe “The Shining”)

5. A freelance writing job for either “The Colbert Report” or “The Daily Show” (in the immortal words of DJay, the pimp turned musician in “Hustle and Flow”: “Everybody got to have a dream…”)

6. Sen. Joe Lieberman to come ALL the way out of the political closet and join the ranks of the GOP

7. Texas officially succeed from the United States and name George W. Bush its sitting president

8. President-elect Barack Obama name me, T.M. Lindsey, Blog Tsar (“Oh the Places I Will Go…)

Vilsack Trades in Sugar Mamma for Ag Secretary Gig

It looks like Iowa’s adopted son and former governor, Tom Vilsack, has a new benefactor. Vilsack, whose Sugar Mama, Hillary Clinton, was already tagged President-elect Barack Obama’s Secretary State, was named Secretary of Agriculture by Obama.

For those of you who live outside of Iowa or have been blessed with a short-term political memory, Vilsack was the second Democrat to drop out of the never-ending presidential race. He left a $400,000 campaign debt in his wake, which his democratic rival and soon-to-be Sugar Mama agreed to retire with no strings attached – assuming of course there was no under-the-table agreement to deliver Iowa to Hillary, Inc. in exchange for his hefty national co-chair stipend and Obama attack dog duties.

The highlight of Vilsack's failed presidential bid was his V-logo, which drew comparisons to "1984" and "V for Vendetta"

If so, Hillary should be demanding a refund after her third-place finish in the Iowa caucuses.

And now Obama, who is $30 billion in the black, has agreed to help Hillary retire her $7.5 million campaign debt.

Nobody said "The Team of Rivals" was going to be cheap.

March of the Gay Penguins: Penguinphobia Lands in Iowa

As temperatures dipped below zero in Iowa, one of the first Farmers’ Almanac indicators that hell is on its way to freezing over (Thank Man for exacerbating Global Warming), Penguinphobia finally hit the Heartland.

“Chicken Little, the Gay Penguins have landed. Run for your life before it’s too late…”

Despite arctic temperatures forecast this evening, the Ankeny school board plans on holding a public debate regarding a recent challenge of the children’s book “And Tango Makes Three.” The challenge was issued by Cindy and James Daucus after their kindergartner child checked the book out, completely unaware of the gay penguin subtext.

Exhibit A, or the children’s book in question written by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson, is based on the true story of Roy and Silo, two male penguins in New York’s Central Park Zoo, who formed a couple for six years. Not that there is anything wrong with that; although the Zoo refused to recognize them as a couple.

The dynamic-penguin-duo, cursed by nature and penguinphobic onlookers, tried to hatch a rock resembling an egg, but to no avail. Eventually the zookeepers realized what the dirty birds were up to and gave them an egg from a heterosexual penguin couple. Roy and Silo were successful in their efforts and helped hatch a healthy young chick, a female named “Tango” by the zookeepers – despite the name’s sexually suggestive connotations (e.g. “Last Tango in Paris”).

(Warning: watching the video clip below may lead viewers to question thier own sexuality and/or species identification.)

Under the Pink Carpet and Gay Penuins

And now the Daucus’ are taking on the Ankeny school district for exposing children to the gay penguin agenda. They asked the school board last month to shelve the book in a the parents-only section of the East Elementary school library (these sections even exist in an elementary school?), claiming the book “normalizes” homosexuality to children too young to understand the “risky lifestyle.”

After all, everyone knows that gay penguin relationships, even asexual gay penguins like Roy and Silo, is a gateway lifestyle that leads to riskier lifestyles and sexual behaviors such as gay porcupine or gay crocodile sex.

If parents are truly concerned about schools and teachers slipping in literature that promotes the gay penguin agenda without a suitable foil, they should suggest piggybacking (metaphorically speaking of course) “And Tango Makes Three” with the film “Happy Feet,” which provides the audience with an alternative subtext of gay penguinphobia. Happy Feet, who was born different than the rest of the penguin community is ostracized and nearly killed for being “different.”

As far as the Daucus’ are concerned, I would suggest not reading your own agenda into a piece of literature and read the story as what it is supposed to be: a story. Unless it is too late and their child has already moved on to the homosexually repressed crocodile in “Peter Pan,” whose gay biological alarm keeps ticking in his hot pursuit for the never-aging lusty young chap Peter.

Truth be known, if you read into anything hard enough, you could probably read a gay subtext, penguin or otherwise, into just about any piece of literature, including the following classic texts adopted by several districts across the nation.

Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck: This is obviously an allegory about two closeted, homosexual men. Farmhands, George and Lenny, are trying to earn money to buy their own share of the American Dream, which consists of the two of them buying a house and living happily ever after – while George gets to “tend the rabbits.” While George is able to sweat his latent homosexual desires out through hard work, Lenny does not possess the self-actualization skills needed to deal with his inner-homosexuality, thus causing him to unknowingly act out in fits of heavy petting and violence against innocent puppies and young ladies. In the end, when George realizes he cannot save Lenny from himself, nor can he have Lenny for himself, he takes matters in his own hands during the novel’s climactic ending.

The Odyssey, by Homer: A story about a Greek man’s 10-year return to home (after a 10-year war in Troy mind you) aboard a ship with dozens of sexually repressed men? I will let you, dear reader, connect the dots here. Why else would Odysseus pass up immortality with Calypso, one of the most beautiful goddesses of mythology? On a Freudian level, it only makes sense that wise Odysseus, despite the plethora of prophecies handed to him on his journey home, would keep making stupid mistakes which caused him to lose all of his men. He had to somehow destroy the guilt his men personified for indulging in his homosexual desires while away from Penelope.

Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare: While most readers and audience members get caught up in the young-lust affair between Rome and Juliet, they miss out on the other characters, Mercutio and Balthasar, who yearn for young Romeo’s acquaintance. Meructio, who willingly took a sword and died for his good friend Romeo, clearly showed his affections for Romeo. Meanwhile, Romeo’s man, Balthasar’s desire for Romeo is more subtle. Not until he enters near the play’s end dressed in riding boots and perfunctorily announces Juliet’s death to her husband, that we see his loyalties to Romeo go beyond mere kinship.

Update: Roy (left) and Silo (right) were last seen leading a Gay Penguin Pride March across Antarctica, while their daughter Tango (not pictured) is currently pursuing a doctoral degree at Harvard University in English.

Lame-Duck Bush Ducks Not Once but Twice in Iraqi Shoe Attack

President Bush may be one of the biggest lame ducks in U.S. political history, but today he unveiled his uncanny ability to duck during a shoe attack by a disgruntled Iraqi reporter in the Iraqi prime minister’s office.

When it comes to ducking the issue Bush has been masterful, and such was the case during his final trip to Iraq.

Shoe and Awe: Fire Away



The president shrugged off the preemptive attack and said “I’m OK” after the incident in Baghdad today. “All I can report is it is a size 10,” Bush said afterwards.

On that note, I leave you with the words of Bush’s assailant: “This is the farewell kiss, you dog…”

The Day D.C. Stood Still: Auto-Bailout Crashes

The world premier of “The Day D.C. Stood Still” opened yesterday in the global market and the horrifying ending sent chills down the collective spines of the automotive industry. Meanwhile several accounts of an unidentified flying cloud of uncertainty (UFCO) looming over Wall Street (see pic) were reported by unsuspecting taxpayers just before Congress slammed the door on the Big-3.

(Spoiler Alert: The following synopsis of yesterday’s event not only reveals the plot’s climax, but also provides insights and hints about the end of planet earth in its current ozone-trapped form.)

The UFCO eventually landed on the front lawn of Corporate Hill as a human chain of curiosity gathered around the object and joined hands, as if preparing to pay homage to the residents of Whoville by singing Christmas carols or bracing themselves for their worst fears to emerge from the spaceship’s door.

No singing commenced nor did Vice President Cheney manifest from the UFCO; rather the crowd was greeted by the Big 3’s highest-paid lobbyist, Klaatu -- an alien messenger of peace and part-time freelance lobbyist for companies on the verge of apocalyptic doom. Klaatu was shadowed by GORT (see pic) – his robot sidekick, who by the way had a striking resemblance to Cheney.

At this point the capitol city’s remaining three National Guardsmen, who have not yet been sent over to Iraq or Afghanistan to protect our oil interests, pulled up in repossessed Army jeeps, panicked and opened fire on Klaatu. The bullets missed their mark but did destroy a gift of gratitude Klaatu had brought for Congress and the American people – a mechanism that would end all need for oil, thus forever ending America’s dependency on oil.

Klaatu, who is well versed in earthly scripture, forgave the guardsmen for shooting at him and -demanded to meet with both chambers of Corporate Hill, claiming that a failure to bail out the Big 3 would not only lead to the end of America, but to planet earth and the intergalactic community as well. Congressmen were suspicious of Klaatu’s message, not to mention messenger himself, and wanted a sampling of the monetary messiah’s powers.

Klaatu agreed to the request and used his powers to halt anything in D.C. that depended on electricity and/or gasoline extracted from oil – consequently stalling all cars and shutting down the power of all the buildings in the area. The gesture evoked pandemonium and sent the city into a panicked frenzy as D.C. bureaucrats began flipping over SUVs, luxury cars and anything that did not get over 30 miles per gallon.

The house heeded Klaatu’s warnings and passed a bailout bill, but the Senate, despite the ensuing chaos, rejected the final version of the bailout bill – the GOP scapegoating the United Auto Workers union members for the cause of the bill’s peril.

Meanwhile, the police put a bounty on Klaatu’s head, citing his intergalactic ties to Jabba the Hut – a notorious hedge-fund con-alien -- were responsible for the economic crisis, the Big 3’s executive decisions that drove their companies into the red, the failed bailout bill and the ensuing pandemonium created by the latter.

Klaatu, in an attempt to return to his hybrid UFCO, was gunned down by D.C.’s finest and pronounced D.O.S. (Dead on the Spot) by first responders. At this point, Klaatu’s sidekick GORT stepped into the scene, picked up the fallen Klaatu, and carried him back to the UFCO, where he was resurrected by the Almighty Spirit after GORT spoke the sacred command in his robotic voice:

GORT: “Klaatu barada nikto…”

Upon his resurrection and soon-to-be departure, Klaatu stood on the edge of his UFCO and left the gathering crowd, bloodied and tattered-clothed D.C. bureaucrats, congressmen, automotive executives, taxpayers, and media, with the following message:

I am leaving soon and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly. The Universe grows smaller every day and the threat of aggression and dependency on oil and ignorance can no longer be tolerated. There must be security for all – or no one is secure.

This does not mean giving up any freedom except the freedom to act irresponsibly. Your car companies have acted irresponsibly and so have your elected officials, despite being chosen by you. But you are not exempt from your irresponsibly, for it is you who have demanded the gas-guzzling cars, SUVs and Hummers that have nearly destroyed your planet.

Sure, I came here on behalf of the Big 3, but I am leaving on behalf of peace. I came here to give you the facts and a way to help end your addictions to oil, greed, and video games. Granted it is no concern of ours, the United Planets, how you run your own planet – but if you threaten to extend your ignorance and violence, this little planet of your will be reduced to a burned-out cinder.

(Producer’s Note: Although the first run of “The Day D.C. Stood Still” ran $14 billion in the red, producers are looking to tap funds from the previous $700 billion bailout appropriated for the banking industries. Stay tuned for the blockbuster sequel coming soon to a bankrupt theater near you.)