Got Scandal?: Iowa’s Bottom Nontroversies of 2008

"That's it...say it...say it...don't be shy..."

Like our ancestors the Brits, Americans love a good scandal.

However, unlike the Brits, American journalists and the Sound-Bite Corporate Media Machine are willing to sacrifice real journalism for gotcha journalism, especially in the political realm.

Armed with pens, laptop computers, video cameras, crackberrys, cell phones, tiki-torches and temptresses – journalists, bloggers and concerned citizens have assumed the role of makeshift paparazzi and hit the campaign trail in search of their 15 minutes of fame.

Unfortunately a number of gotcha moments only became controversial when the media, like blood-deprived leeches, clung to the nontroversy and spun it through its continuous loop of 24-hours news, which only contains an estimated 30 minutes of new news according to a recent Political Fallout study.

At the national level John Ridley catalogued a number of the top Nontroversies in 2008.

Meanwhile in Iowa, here are some of the Bottom Nontroversies of 2008:

Muslim Statehouse prayer threatens Christian faithful (outside of Iowa). Iowa’s 2008 General Assembly appeared to start off fairly smoothly with an invocation by Imam Muhammad Khan of Des Moines on the first day of the session Jan. 14. Not until outside agitators, including conservative talk show hosts and anti-Muslim organizations stuck their self-righteous noses in did this become a nontroversy.

GOP voter challenge/suppression of Grinnell College student voters falls short during November election. Ironically, the seeds of this challenge were planted by GOP adversary Sen. Hillary Clinton during the Iowa Caucuses. The Clinton campaign feared, justifiably so, Sen. Barack Obama’s turn out of young voters. Where was Joe the College Student when Obama needed him or her?

Rep. Steve King’s Little Shop of Horrors (A Tone-Deaf Musical). Iowan’s have become accustomed to the 5th district earsore, whose only claim-to-fame is measured in cubic vitriolic spew units (cvsu). Most Iowans have managed to ignore our very own political Master of Horror, hoping that if we ignore him he will simply disappear. Poof! Unfortunately, the national media keep feeding his Napoleon complex by running his nontroversial statements to help bolster otherwise slow nontroversial weeks.

During his "Oh-the-Places-We-Can-Drill" tour of western Iowa, Rep. Steve King pulls out one of his trusty nontroversy props to illustrate why drilling is the best answer to our energy consumption crisis.

Iowa Democrat Party serves up new brand of McCarthyism to Des Moines Register. As if the media needed any help (although given the recent across-the-board layoffs in journalism, maybe they could use a little help from their “friends”) scouring court documents for juicy details of elected officials past foibles, Rep Kevin McCarthy and the Gang delivered a neatly-labeled binder exposing several Republican Iowa House candidates’ backgrounds. Opposition research or good ol’ fashioned Witch Hunt? You make the call, dear Reader. Either way this should help ease the divisiveness of the two sides come Jan. 12, eh?

Gov. Chet Culver’s condo habit. Okay, so the Big Lug has an addiction to vacationing in million-dollar condos in Florida that just happen to be owned by real-estate tycoon Bill Knapp, who in turn happens to be a contributor to Culver’s campaign and longtime family friend of the Culvers. At least Chet admits he has a problem and that he is paying the $1000/week fee for using the Knappster’s condo. I’m sure that ever since he won his gubernatorial bid, the Big Lug has been scratching his head, wondering: “Hmmmm…now that I work for the people of Iowa, does that mean I still get to keep my friends with benefits before I was elected?” Had Chet done what most state employees who went to the Outback Bowl did, cut lodging expenses by cramming 20 people into one condo, some folks may be a little more forgiving of the Big Lug's addicition.

Gov. Chet Culver: "I might as well face it, I'm addicted to heavily discounted million-dollar condos in Florida owned by a major campaign contributor and longtime friend with benefits."

And Iowa's bottom nontroversy of 2008?

“Smokin in the Guv’s Car”: starring First Lady Mari Culver. While the passage of the public smoking ban may have been controversial -- given Gov. Culver other addiction: gambling revenues (Hmmm…I wonder if gaming lobbyists get the same discount on the Knappster’s condominiums?) – catching his mate, Mari Culver, smoking in a state-owned vehicle is by no means as controversial as the media and some Republican lawmakers made it out to be.

Mari admitted to breaking the law, paid the fine and promised she would never do it again.

Admitted adulterer John Edwards unites with admitted smoker in public places Mari Culver during a campaign stop, both sharing the same thought: "God I'd kill for a cigarette right now."

But the nontroversy did not end there. The newly appointed Iowa House Minority Leader Kraig Paulsen used the incident as a springboard to draw the line in the political sand, calling for a probe into whether the state should fund Mari’s police escort service.

As the economic crisis hits home, I’m sure this nontroversy will be a high priority when the legislative session reconvenes Jan 12.

Narcissism 101: Political Fallout’s Top Posts of 2008

T.M.: Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who in this blogsphere is fairest of all?

Mirror: You, my creator, are the fairest of them all.

Ah yes, nothing smacks of narcissism more than an obedient mirror -- except of course anyone crazy enough to run for president of the U.S., because they think have what it takes to speak for the entire free world.

Or worse, someone crazy enough to start a blog because he or she thinks the entire world wants to hear what they have to say.

That said, I’ve compiled this year’s top posts on Political Fallout based on number of times viewed. Granted, due to my adventures in writing straight journalism this year, my satiric voice was less prolific than last year and suffered from comedic laryngitis. However, I have managed to resurrect Political Fallout this month and my satiric voice is slowly returning to the page.

Drum roll please…

Political Fallout’s Top Posts of 2008:

No. 1: Obama Plagiarizes Bob the Builder in NH Concession Speech

While watching his concession speech after the New Hampshire loss to Hillary Clinton, this was the first time Obama infused his catch-phrase: “Yes We Can!” Living in what has become a Bob the Builder household (which I declared to help offset the “War on the Wiggles”), I couldn’t help but give attribution where it belonged. Surprisingly, Obama’s catch-phrase has survived any Bob-the-Builder plagiarism allegations and has become a mainstay of the Obama phenomenon.

No. 2: How Will Clinton Spin Out of Potomac Spanking Machine?

After Hillary got handedly spanked by the Obama Campaign Machine in the Potomac states, two of her top-level campaigns stepped down, while the rest of us sat back and watched how she would spin her way out of these primary defeats. People keep coming back to this post for whatever reason, more than likely research-op interns gathering ammunition to tear down the Clinton Machine. (I wish Rove's mommy would take his computer away from him for once and for all.)

No. 3: GOP’s Trusty Invisible Hand Fist F*cks the Trickled Down…Again

I never bought into Adam Smith’s free-market myth resurrected in the 1980s by President Ronald Reagan. The theory doesn’t account for the greed factor, especially in today’s corporate context, wherein greed is a prerequisite and not an exception to the rule.

Given the current and ongoing economic meltdown, these big wigs are falling like dominoes.

Unfortunately the people on the bottom are breaking these fat cats’ fall.

No. 4: Dear American People: Please Excuse General Motors for Driving its Company into the Ground

Having been privy to several real-life excuse letters from today’s helicopter parents, I though it apropos to apply this medium to those folks who are supposed to be models of responsibility. General Motor’s economic crash is partly due to other market factors, but ultimately they were the source of their undoing, once again illustrating the the myth of the free market.

No. 5: Insourcing Rock ’n’ Roll: Guess Who Invades Coralville’s 4thFest

This was my video debut and the camera work looks more like something out of “The Blair Witch Project” than first-rate investigative journalism. Nonetheless, we need to expose washed-up bands from other countries, who come to America and take jobs away from hardworking garage bands looking for their next meal ticket to stardom.

Jib Jab’s 2008 Year in Review: The End of Democracy as We Know It?

Looking back, the year 2008 may earmark the end of Democracy’s Bronze Age in America. Politicians opened Pandora’s political box and unleashed a maelstrom of the Seven Deadly Sins on an unsuspecting electorate.

Unfortunately, the decline of democracy is no laughing matter – unless you’re Osama bin Laden, Lucifer and/or Dick Cheney – who are down below perfecting their sinister laughs around a bonfire while stoking its flames with Our Constitution.

However, the folks at Jib Jab did manage to capture this year’s decline of democracy in a short animated piece:

Jib Jab’s 2008 Year in Review:

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Despite capitalism and democracy’s fall this year, Pandora and President-elect Barack Obama did manage to shut HOPE in-a-box. Moreover, Obama managed to capitalize on HOPE during his campaign, which hopefully will help stop the bleeding and restore faith in our Democracy.

We can only HOPE: "Yes We Can!"

GOP Political Satire Gone Bad: ‘Barack the Magic Negro’

The first sign of satire gone bad, and a catalogued precursor to the Apocalypse for that matter, is when your attempt at satire debuts on Rush Limbaugh’s radio show.

Please, please, please, dear reader, do NOT forward this post to Rush Limbaugh; I have a family to feed and unlike Rush, they cannot survive on barbiturates alone.

Worse, Tennessee Republican Chip Saltsman, who also managed Mike Huckabee’s failed presidential bid, resurrected the racist ditty in question, “Barack the Magic Negro” and sent the song among others recorded on a CD to the Republican National Committee to help get his foot in the door for the RNC chairman gig.

Smooth move Chip.

"Dammit, Jim! I'm not a racist; I'm a proliferator of bad satire."

The song, played to the tune of Peter, Paul and Mary’s “Puff the Magic Dragon” was first played on Limbaugh’s show in 2007. The feeble attempt at satire targets a Los Angeles Times column about white guilt and is sung through Al Sharpton’s parodied point of view.

Chorus:

Barack the Magic Negro
Lives in D.C.
The LA Times they call him that
Because he is not authentic like me

To get a full sense of the racism veiled in satire, feel free to listen to the clip below:

“Barack the Magic Negro” (played live on Rush the Magic Pill-Poppin’ & Ego Strokin’ One-Man Radio Show)




In response to the RNC’s distancing of Saltsman’s Christmas gesture, Chip defended the song: "I think most people recognize political satire when they see it," Saltsman told CNN. "I think RNC members understand that."

Apparently not, Chip. But what they do recognize, unlike Rush and his minions, is bad satire.

Speaking of bad satire/parody, let’s use Mr. Saltsman to help illustrate this, using the chorus to the same tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

“Chip the Magic Hayseed”

Chorus:

Chip the Magic Hayseed
Lives under a rock in Tennessee
Where he frolics with the likes of Huckabee
And distributes racist song parodies…

Santa Claus Turns to Congress for Bailout

It was only a matter of time before the collapse of the free-market hit home for everyone, including Santa Claus and his trusty employees the Elves. Santa took no chances with his top-level executives and made the trip to D.C. himself aboard his environmentaly friendly sleigh.

Santa Claus Bailout Hearings (National Lampoon)



Update: Although the House passed a bill that would help keep Santa afloat with a $25 billion bailout, chances of making it through the holiday season dimmed when the Senate denied Santa, Inc. a helping hand of taxpayer money.

Initially, the bill appeared as if it would sail through the Senate on a one horse open sleigh until the GOP found a suitable political scapegoat: The United Elves and Little Helpers Union (UELH). A few members of the Senate who, like the Winter Warlock from “Santa Clause is Coming to Town,” did not receive any presents as children, blamed Santa’s economic collapse on the unions.
The UELH refused to take wages equal to their top competitors’ workers -- pre-teen children in China.

Moreover, the Elves’ union argued they could barely live on their current wages -- given the exponential rise in the cost-of-living in the North Pole. Some union members have already been forced to live on and commute from the Island of Misfit Toys to help compensate for stagnant wages.

“The Republicans have been trying to bust us up ever since we unionized,” a spokesman for the UELH told Political Fallout in a phone interview. “Maybe they’ll think twice about messing with us when they wake up Christmas morning and find a lump of clean coal in their stockings.”

Last-Minute Christmas Wish List before the Impending Shopocalypse

After watching the classic “The Little Drummer Boy” for the umpteenth time with my boys this evening, I told them that, due to the economic downturn, I don’t have anything to give them this year for Christmas.

Needless to say this didn’t bode well, as tears welled up in their eyes.

“Don’t worry,” I reassured them, “I will give you a piece of my soul to fill the empty void under the Christmas tree and play my guitar for you on Christmas Day.”

Having heard me play before, this only made matters worse.

With less than 72 shopping hours before Jesus’ 2008th Birthday Party remaining and the impending Shopocalypse, I had my work cut out for me. And when staring in the face difficult times like these, I oftentimes turn to the birthday boy himself and ask: “What Would Jesus Buy?”

I know the question is inward, but it does help to channel through Jesus’ messenger Reverend Billy and his loyal flock, the Church of Stop Shopping, for an inspirational spiritual from the church’s choir (which ironically sells its “Shopocalypse” CD online for 15 And-God-We-Trust paper faith-slips each).

Here is a little ditty I always keep in the back of my head when out shopping for whatever reason:

The Church of Stop Shopping Gospel Choir: “Back Away from the Wal-Mart"



While working out the supply-side of the Christmas shopping equation and how to package my soul in anything but plastic, I turned my attention to the demand-side, thinking I could take Rev. Billy’s lead and ask for nothing. Just think, if everyone did this there would be no pressure to feel obligated to give what you don’t have – or charge what you don’t have (and may never have) on your credit card.

But knowing this will only prompt the obligatory “But surely you want something…?” response from those who want, or feel obligated to give me something on somebody else’s birthday, I’ve made a Christmas wish-list that includes items and/or requests that should not bore a hole in the ubiquitous empty pockets this holiday season.

Political Fallout’s 2008 Christmas Wish List (not in any particular order mind you):

1. All members of Iowa Congress to donate any campaign contribution over $2300 they received from an individual donor (which applies to federal elections but not Iowa’s – go figure) to Iowa’s rapidly depleting general fund

2. Iowa’s Democratic majority leadership to return the government to the people of Iowa

3. A backbone (metaphorically speaking of course, since real backbones in politics are rare and expensive) for those in #2 to make my second wish come true

4. Rep. Steve King to retire from Congress and turn his attention to writing his memoir, which, no doubt would be just as horrifying as anything the other Master of Horror Stephen King has penned to date (except maybe “The Shining”)

5. A freelance writing job for either “The Colbert Report” or “The Daily Show” (in the immortal words of DJay, the pimp turned musician in “Hustle and Flow”: “Everybody got to have a dream…”)

6. Sen. Joe Lieberman to come ALL the way out of the political closet and join the ranks of the GOP

7. Texas officially succeed from the United States and name George W. Bush its sitting president

8. President-elect Barack Obama name me, T.M. Lindsey, Blog Tsar (“Oh the Places I Will Go…)

Vilsack Trades in Sugar Mamma for Ag Secretary Gig

It looks like Iowa’s adopted son and former governor, Tom Vilsack, has a new benefactor. Vilsack, whose Sugar Mama, Hillary Clinton, was already tagged President-elect Barack Obama’s Secretary State, was named Secretary of Agriculture by Obama.

For those of you who live outside of Iowa or have been blessed with a short-term political memory, Vilsack was the second Democrat to drop out of the never-ending presidential race. He left a $400,000 campaign debt in his wake, which his democratic rival and soon-to-be Sugar Mama agreed to retire with no strings attached – assuming of course there was no under-the-table agreement to deliver Iowa to Hillary, Inc. in exchange for his hefty national co-chair stipend and Obama attack dog duties.

The highlight of Vilsack's failed presidential bid was his V-logo, which drew comparisons to "1984" and "V for Vendetta"

If so, Hillary should be demanding a refund after her third-place finish in the Iowa caucuses.

And now Obama, who is $30 billion in the black, has agreed to help Hillary retire her $7.5 million campaign debt.

Nobody said "The Team of Rivals" was going to be cheap.