Wednesday, May 9, 2007

McCain Touts New Scapegoat: Mr. Potato Head

In a town hall meeting in Fort Dodge, Sen. John McCain appealed to voters by blaming Mr. Potato Head for the GOP’s election losses. Senator McCain has come under fire for his adamant support for the Iraq War and the surge of troops, and to help deflect these criticisms, he hired Mr. Potato Head to serve as his campaign’s obligatory fall guy. Mr. Potato Head’s agent said, “If anybody can take the heat, it would be my client, Mr. Potato Head. This won’t be the first game of hot potato he’s been in, and I guarantee that it won’t be his last. Through thick and thin, Mr. Potato Head is in to win.”

Senator McCain showcases his uncanny resemblance to his new campaign scapegoat, Mr. Potato Head.

Emulating McCain’s “Straight Talking Express” campaign motif, Mr. Potato Head has called for complete transparency and has openly disclosed some of the terms of his contract.

I, Mr. Potato Head, agree to serve as Senator McCain’s campaign scapegoat, and will take responsibility for all of the following:

Helping create the Civil War in Iraq, and had the President listened to me and sent more troops at the beginning of the war, this Civil War would have a lot more civil than it is now.

Any terrorist spud cells that manifest in the continental United States.

Any terrorist who follows our soldiers home (should the U.S. begin withdrawing troops before we actually win the war).

Anna Nichole Smith’s death. (Laugh now, but mark my word as a legal American spud, this will be McCain’s first Swift Boat incident.)

I’m the one who hired McCain’s character assassination hit team.

Any apparent flip-flops on Sen. McCain’s behalf between now and the ’08 election.

I wrote the lyrics to “Bomb Iran.”

Using ancient spud hypnosis, I made McCain completely forget the McCain-Feingold bill and its intent.

The tamper-proof ID card was all my idea.