The Day D.C. Stood Still: Auto-Bailout Crashes

The world premier of “The Day D.C. Stood Still” opened yesterday in the global market and the horrifying ending sent chills down the collective spines of the automotive industry. Meanwhile several accounts of an unidentified flying cloud of uncertainty (UFCO) looming over Wall Street (see pic) were reported by unsuspecting taxpayers just before Congress slammed the door on the Big-3.

(Spoiler Alert: The following synopsis of yesterday’s event not only reveals the plot’s climax, but also provides insights and hints about the end of planet earth in its current ozone-trapped form.)

The UFCO eventually landed on the front lawn of Corporate Hill as a human chain of curiosity gathered around the object and joined hands, as if preparing to pay homage to the residents of Whoville by singing Christmas carols or bracing themselves for their worst fears to emerge from the spaceship’s door.

No singing commenced nor did Vice President Cheney manifest from the UFCO; rather the crowd was greeted by the Big 3’s highest-paid lobbyist, Klaatu -- an alien messenger of peace and part-time freelance lobbyist for companies on the verge of apocalyptic doom. Klaatu was shadowed by GORT (see pic) – his robot sidekick, who by the way had a striking resemblance to Cheney.

At this point the capitol city’s remaining three National Guardsmen, who have not yet been sent over to Iraq or Afghanistan to protect our oil interests, pulled up in repossessed Army jeeps, panicked and opened fire on Klaatu. The bullets missed their mark but did destroy a gift of gratitude Klaatu had brought for Congress and the American people – a mechanism that would end all need for oil, thus forever ending America’s dependency on oil.

Klaatu, who is well versed in earthly scripture, forgave the guardsmen for shooting at him and -demanded to meet with both chambers of Corporate Hill, claiming that a failure to bail out the Big 3 would not only lead to the end of America, but to planet earth and the intergalactic community as well. Congressmen were suspicious of Klaatu’s message, not to mention messenger himself, and wanted a sampling of the monetary messiah’s powers.

Klaatu agreed to the request and used his powers to halt anything in D.C. that depended on electricity and/or gasoline extracted from oil – consequently stalling all cars and shutting down the power of all the buildings in the area. The gesture evoked pandemonium and sent the city into a panicked frenzy as D.C. bureaucrats began flipping over SUVs, luxury cars and anything that did not get over 30 miles per gallon.

The house heeded Klaatu’s warnings and passed a bailout bill, but the Senate, despite the ensuing chaos, rejected the final version of the bailout bill – the GOP scapegoating the United Auto Workers union members for the cause of the bill’s peril.

Meanwhile, the police put a bounty on Klaatu’s head, citing his intergalactic ties to Jabba the Hut – a notorious hedge-fund con-alien -- were responsible for the economic crisis, the Big 3’s executive decisions that drove their companies into the red, the failed bailout bill and the ensuing pandemonium created by the latter.

Klaatu, in an attempt to return to his hybrid UFCO, was gunned down by D.C.’s finest and pronounced D.O.S. (Dead on the Spot) by first responders. At this point, Klaatu’s sidekick GORT stepped into the scene, picked up the fallen Klaatu, and carried him back to the UFCO, where he was resurrected by the Almighty Spirit after GORT spoke the sacred command in his robotic voice:

GORT: “Klaatu barada nikto…”

Upon his resurrection and soon-to-be departure, Klaatu stood on the edge of his UFCO and left the gathering crowd, bloodied and tattered-clothed D.C. bureaucrats, congressmen, automotive executives, taxpayers, and media, with the following message:

I am leaving soon and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly. The Universe grows smaller every day and the threat of aggression and dependency on oil and ignorance can no longer be tolerated. There must be security for all – or no one is secure.

This does not mean giving up any freedom except the freedom to act irresponsibly. Your car companies have acted irresponsibly and so have your elected officials, despite being chosen by you. But you are not exempt from your irresponsibly, for it is you who have demanded the gas-guzzling cars, SUVs and Hummers that have nearly destroyed your planet.

Sure, I came here on behalf of the Big 3, but I am leaving on behalf of peace. I came here to give you the facts and a way to help end your addictions to oil, greed, and video games. Granted it is no concern of ours, the United Planets, how you run your own planet – but if you threaten to extend your ignorance and violence, this little planet of your will be reduced to a burned-out cinder.

(Producer’s Note: Although the first run of “The Day D.C. Stood Still” ran $14 billion in the red, producers are looking to tap funds from the previous $700 billion bailout appropriated for the banking industries. Stay tuned for the blockbuster sequel coming soon to a bankrupt theater near you.)