Monday, December 15, 2008

March of the Gay Penguins: Penguinphobia Lands in Iowa

As temperatures dipped below zero in Iowa, one of the first Farmers’ Almanac indicators that hell is on its way to freezing over (Thank Man for exacerbating Global Warming), Penguinphobia finally hit the Heartland.

“Chicken Little, the Gay Penguins have landed. Run for your life before it’s too late…”

Despite arctic temperatures forecast this evening, the Ankeny school board plans on holding a public debate regarding a recent challenge of the children’s book “And Tango Makes Three.” The challenge was issued by Cindy and James Daucus after their kindergartner child checked the book out, completely unaware of the gay penguin subtext.

Exhibit A, or the children’s book in question written by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson, is based on the true story of Roy and Silo, two male penguins in New York’s Central Park Zoo, who formed a couple for six years. Not that there is anything wrong with that; although the Zoo refused to recognize them as a couple.

The dynamic-penguin-duo, cursed by nature and penguinphobic onlookers, tried to hatch a rock resembling an egg, but to no avail. Eventually the zookeepers realized what the dirty birds were up to and gave them an egg from a heterosexual penguin couple. Roy and Silo were successful in their efforts and helped hatch a healthy young chick, a female named “Tango” by the zookeepers – despite the name’s sexually suggestive connotations (e.g. “Last Tango in Paris”).

(Warning: watching the video clip below may lead viewers to question thier own sexuality and/or species identification.)

Under the Pink Carpet and Gay Penuins

And now the Daucus’ are taking on the Ankeny school district for exposing children to the gay penguin agenda. They asked the school board last month to shelve the book in a the parents-only section of the East Elementary school library (these sections even exist in an elementary school?), claiming the book “normalizes” homosexuality to children too young to understand the “risky lifestyle.”
After all, everyone knows that gay penguin relationships, even asexual gay penguins like Roy and Silo, is a gateway lifestyle that leads to riskier lifestyles and sexual behaviors such as gay porcupine or gay crocodile sex.
If parents are truly concerned about schools and teachers slipping in literature that promotes the gay penguin agenda without a suitable foil, they should suggest piggybacking (metaphorically speaking of course) “And Tango Makes Three” with the film “Happy Feet,” which provides the audience with an alternative subtext of gay penguinphobia. Happy Feet, who was born different than the rest of the penguin community is ostracized and nearly killed for being “different.”

As far as the Daucus’ are concerned, I would suggest not reading your own agenda into a piece of literature and read the story as what it is supposed to be: a story. Unless it is too late and their child has already moved on to the homosexually repressed crocodile in “Peter Pan,” whose gay biological alarm keeps ticking in his hot pursuit for the never-aging lusty young chap Peter.

Truth be known, if you read into anything hard enough, you could probably read a gay subtext, penguin or otherwise, into just about any piece of literature, including the following classic texts adopted by several districts across the nation.

Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck: This is obviously an allegory about two closeted, homosexual men. Farmhands, George and Lenny, are trying to earn money to buy their own share of the American Dream, which consists of the two of them buying a house and living happily ever after – while George gets to “tend the rabbits.” While George is able to sweat his latent homosexual desires out through hard work, Lenny does not possess the self-actualization skills needed to deal with his inner-homosexuality, thus causing him to unknowingly act out in fits of heavy petting and violence against innocent puppies and young ladies. In the end, when George realizes he cannot save Lenny from himself, nor can he have Lenny for himself, he takes matters in his own hands during the novel’s climactic ending.

The Odyssey, by Homer: A story about a Greek man’s 10-year return to home (after a 10-year war in Troy mind you) aboard a ship with dozens of sexually repressed men? I will let you, dear reader, connect the dots here. Why else would Odysseus pass up immortality with Calypso, one of the most beautiful goddesses of mythology? On a Freudian level, it only makes sense that wise Odysseus, despite the plethora of prophecies handed to him on his journey home, would keep making stupid mistakes which caused him to lose all of his men. He had to somehow destroy the guilt his men personified for indulging in his homosexual desires while away from Penelope.

Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare: While most readers and audience members get caught up in the young-lust affair between Rome and Juliet, they miss out on the other characters, Mercutio and Balthasar, who yearn for young Romeo’s acquaintance. Meructio, who willingly took a sword and died for his good friend Romeo, clearly showed his affections for Romeo. Meanwhile, Romeo’s man, Balthasar’s desire for Romeo is more subtle. Not until he enters near the play’s end dressed in riding boots and perfunctorily announces Juliet’s death to her husband, that we see his loyalties to Romeo go beyond mere kinship.

Update: Roy (left) and Silo (right) were last seen leading a Gay Penguin Pride March across Antarctica, while their daughter Tango (not pictured) is currently pursuing a doctoral degree at Harvard University in English.


Anonymous said...

#1 Crocodile in Peter Pan is female.
#2 It's not after Peter Pan, it's after Captain Hook. Peter Pan is (for the most part) friends with it. (In that it doesn't tend to bother him.)

For more Peter Pan adventure that's VERY different from the rest, click my name.


Anonymous said...

[b]educational discount for software, [url=]cheap xp pro software[/url]
[url=][/url] software purchase options inventory order software
to buy adobe software in [url=]online software store[/url] adobe creative suite 4 full torrent
[url=]my oem software[/url] buy discounted software
[url=]i buy software online[/url] coreldraw x4 key gen
educational discount on software [url=]academic software discounts[/b]

Anonymous said...

[b]software discounts for educators, [url=]software market in canada[/url]
[url=][/url] recording software to buy cheap software to buy
filemaker pro migration [url=]acdsee vista[/url] adobe creative suite 4 production premium full download
[url=]acdsee[/url] buy photoshop express
[url=]discounts on adobe software[/url] legal to buy oem software
can i buy adobe software [url=]office 2003 standard serial[/b]

Anonymous said...

[b]adobe photoshop cs for mac, [url=]software source store[/url]
[url=][/url] bible software academic microsoft astronomy software
2009 FileMaker Pro [url=]adobe acrobat 9 pro how do i add pages to an existing form[/url] video store software
[url=]academic software licence[/url] educators discount software
[url=]software purchases[/url] corel draw graphics suite x4 coreldraw manual
coreldraw 11 serial number and activation code [url=]academic software discounts[/b]

Anonymous said...

[b]Mac Parallels, [url=]download 2003 office suite[/url]
[url=][/url] 6 software price filemaker pro apple version 9 downloads
torrent mac filemaker pro 6 [url=]2 Mac Readiris Pro[/url] disabling windows xp activation code
[url=]windows vista help[/url] educational software resellers
[url=]coreldraw graphics suite x3 downloads[/url] where to buy pc software
kaspersky lab [url=]Deluxe 2009 Mac Retail[/b]

Anonymous said...

[b]discount software australia, [url=]Pro 8 Mac[/url]
[url=][/url] purchase finance software windows vista theme for xp
windows vista [url=]freeware educational software[/url] 4.0 software price
[url=]academic software com[/url] download kaspersky antivirus free
[url=]dvd player software downloads[/url] adobe photoshop cs4 trial
adobe sound software [url=]pda office software[/b]

Anonymous said...

My friend and I were recently discussing about how we as a society are so hooked onto electronics. Reading this post makes me think back to that discussion we had, and just how inseparable from electronics we have all become.

I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Societal concerns aside... I just hope that as technology further innovates, the possibility of downloading our memories onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could encounter in my lifetime.

(Submitted from Nintendo DS running [url=]R4i DSi[/url] Ting2)

Term Papers said...

I have been visiting various blogs for my term papers writing research. I have found your blog to be quite useful. Keep updating your blog with valuable information... Regards