Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Deer Contraceptive Movement Fully-Baked & Cured (in Absurdity)

It looks like the Auto-Body Repair industry had better step up its lobby efforts. The Iowa Department of Natural Resources, the Environmental Protection Agency and Iowa state lawmakers are toying with the idea of approving and regulating a deer contraceptive that could possibly “curb the state’s multimillion-dollar deer problem”:

Researchers at the National Wildlife Research Center, a branch of the U.S.
Department of Agriculture, are developing the contraceptive vaccine, called

GonaCon. They intend to submit it to the Environmental Protection Agency in
March, said Gail Keirn, a spokeswoman for the research
center…


…Garner, of the DNR, warns that the single-shot
drug being developed might not be the perfect answer. It's likely to be
expensive - $300 to $1,000 - to capture then inject each deer. The drug lasts
two years, but deer can live for a decade. And, he said, thinning a herd would
still require guns - to reduce the population to a size that's sustainable for
the habitat.
Opponents of the deer contraceptive are concerned the deer contraceptives may be misused and will fall into the wrong hands; including but not limited to deer breeders, over-protective parents of teenagers, and/or political operatives hell bent on sabotaging an opponent’s campaign at any cost.

No worries, the Iowa legislature is thinking the same thing and is drafting a bill (Study Bill 1112 and House File 37) that would aim regulation (preferably with a user-friendly cross bow) at regulating wildlife contraceptives:
The law would prohibit Iowans from giving any drug - for fertility control,
disease prevention or treatment, growth stimulation or immobilization - to wild
animals without written authorization from the state. A violation would be a

serious misdemeanor punishable for up to a year in jail and a fine of at least
$315.
At a $1000 a pop, there has to be a more cost-effective approach to fixing Iowa’s overpopulated deer problem, which helped conceive the following solutions:

Saltpeter Licks: Strategically place large bricks of saltpeter licks around perimeters of heavily-populated deer areas. This should help kill their sex drive and urge to take over the world by over-propagating their race.

Provide scientific-based sex education classes to young bucks. This should help enlighten bucks see the repercussions of engaging in high-risk, unprotected polygamous relationships.

Implement faith-based initiatives which promote abstinence over promiscuity.
Deer should be raised with the notion that it’s okay to wait for their destined fill of buck shot or their fated front end collision with an urban assault vehicle – both of which will take them one step closer to their Creator.

Extend the deer-hunting season to parallel the political campaign season. Since the latter has morphed into a continuous cycle, we could have deer hunting on a year round basis in Iowa; although, this may impede deer from adequately serving their constituents and passing meaningful legislation.

Erect cautionary deer-mating signs. Not only will this cut down on accidents involving motor vehicles and copulating deer, but the signs will prompt pre-pubescent children to start asking parents questions about the breeding process.


20 comments:

babblemur said...

Hee hee! What a hoot!

I guess the new Human Papillomavirus (HPV) vacine is out of the question for deer then, eh? Let them get DPV and die of cervical cancer?

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