Monday, April 23, 2007

Even the Losers Get Lucky Sometimes…

Americans are obsessed with losers, and thanks to the foresight of the Republican Majority 80th U.S. Congress, which led the Twenty-second Amendment drive nearly fifty years ago, we don’t have to worry about electing a loser for the third time. Whew! Although, in the world of politics, losing does have its distinct plusses; just ask Al Gore, whose recent success with the “Inconvenient Truth” may not have happened had he won (the Supreme Court’s ruling) in 2000. And we all know what happened to the popular vote loser, eh? (see pic)

And then there’s John Kerry, who…never mind. Although, his high-priced Democrat campaign consultant, Bob Shrum, keeps rolling in the dough, despite his 0-7 win-loss record in the presidential campaign consulting biz. (Hey Bob, I heard the Oakland Raiders are looking for another coach to hop on Al Davis’s Losers’ Carousel of Musical Coaches.) Howard Dean’s unraveling in ‘04 landed him a gig as head honcho of the Democratic National Committee. Jim Nussle’s trouncing by Chet Culver paved the way for Jimmy the Hustler to become the top consultant of Giuliani’s campaign in Iowa. Tom Vilsack’s failed presidential bid not only helped him ensnare a Sugar Mama, Hillary Just Hillary, who’s helping him pay off his $400,000+ campaign debt, but Vilsack also procured national co-chairman of Hillary, Inc. Losing in politics pays dividends. In fact, I’m contemplating testing this theory with a possible ’08 presidential bid:

My Campaign Motto: “I’m in to Lose!”

Campaign Slogan: “If a loser like you-know-who can win twice, a loser like me can win at least once.”

Campaign Theme Songs: Bob Seeger’s “Beautiful Loser,” & Tom Petty’s “Even the Losers (Get Lucky Sometimes)”

Campaign Mantra/Battle Cry: John Wesley Harding’s “The Patron Saint of Losers”

…Deliver me, deliver me from that which I've undone
Cos if you're looking for a loser, I might just be one
Martyrdom's the only thing that faguely turns me on
Cos I'm the Patron Saint…

Although, I’m a wee bit hesitant to test the “Political Loser Theory,” especially since Iowa’s very own Sal Mohamed’s candidacy has yet to resonate and pay off. Sal’s distant fourth-place finish in the ’06 Iowa Democrat Primary has yet to catapult him into the spotlight of fame and fortune.

Speaking of politics and losers, fallen “American Idol” loser, Sanjaya Malakar (see pic), has been making the rounds on the prime-time circuit, spreading his message of hope to fellow losers across America, who have come to depend upon Sanjaya to help them make it through the minutia of the day. Thanks for helping keep my dreams alive, Sanjaya.

Sanjaya appeared on “The Tonight Show” last Thursday and is scheduled to show up on the "Late Show with David Letterman" tonight; not to mention he's landed gigs on "Live with Regis and Kelly"and "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." Sanjaya’s recent loser phenomenon reminds me of another loser, only in the world of Olympic Ski Jumping. In the 1988 Winter Olympics, Great Britain’s Eddie “the Eagle” Edwards (see pic) became quite a phenomenon after finishing dead last in every ski jump event. While his performance embarrassed the British and the ski-jump sports world, Eddie “the Eagle” was embraced by Americans; he too made his rounds on the talk-show circuit. In response to the Edwards' phenomenon, in 1990 the International Olympic Committee (IOC) instituted what became known as the "Eddie the Eagle Rule," which requires Olympic hopefuls to compete in international events and place in the top 30 percent or the top 50 competitors. Apparently not everyone has a soft spot in their hearts for our beloved losers. I wonder if “American Idol” plans on instituting the Sanjaya Rule?

On Saturday night, Sanjaya was invited to the White House Correspondent Dinner, where he would join fellow losers, George Bush and ‘80s throwback comedian, Rich Little. I though he was dead? I made a late-night run to McDonalds to get a chocolate milkshake, and lo and behold, there ol’ Rich was broadcasted live on McTelevisions. (Warning: Mixing FOX TV with McDonalds can be fatally toxic to your mind and body. It’s recommended to sample both separately and in moderation, although Political Fallout recommends abstaining from both.)

The only joke I happened to catch was a bit about lawyers and assholes. Rich used the word assholes not once but twice. I think it may have been the same joke he intended to use 22 years ago, before FOX TV’s conception, when it was blacklisted by the media censors. Although I found the joke old school, the young kids standing in line in front of me, who were waiting for their Happy Meals, thought it was a real hoot. So much for playing it too safe.

Ho Hummmm…

How about a rerun from last year’s White House Correspondent Dinner, when Stephen Colbert, thanks to divine intervention, was invited to roast President Bush and the media:

I’m guessing Colbert wasn’t invited back to this year’s festivities. What a loser, huh?


noneed4thneed said...

Thanks for posting the Colbert clip. I had a terribly rough day at school and it was just the thing I needed when I got home.

John said...

What, no Beck reference? Soy un perdido...

Fred said...

I send asshole loosers a gift from