Many moons ago, local Iowa City band, Dagobah (formerly Captain Barney), hit the biodegradable nail on the head with their song, “Every Day is Earth Day.” Unfortunately, the prospect of acting as Mother Earth’s steward 365 days a year was too daunting a task for most Americans, so in 1970, on the 22nd day of April, Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin created Earth Day. After witnessing an oil spill off the cost of Santa Barbara in 1969, Nelson was inspired to make his Earth Day declaration, which has grown to be the largest secular holiday in the world, although remains a distant second to the secular Christmas holiday celebrated in the United States.
Like Hallmark, the creators of Valentines Day who set aside one day of the year when people can think about love and what it symbolizes (greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, and teddy bears with hearts embroidered on their chests), Nelson wanted to earmark one day each year when people could think about the plight of Mother Earth and what it symbolizes (your environmental platitude here).
Similarly, politicians take their environmental cues on Earth Day by trading in their suits for a pair of crisp Carhart jeans, a pair of working boots, and a long-sleeved work shirt (usually rolled up to mid-forearm to indicate that they’re willing to get their hands dirty, but not too dirty, for they have to go back to the office tomorrow morning and spend the next 364 days ignoring environmental issues).
Speaking of ignoring the environment, it looks like Iowa’s 82nd General Assembly has pretty much swept most of the major environmental reforms underneath Mother Earth’s rug, either completely ignoring them or killing them off in committee. Despite overwhelming public support for CAFO (Confined Animal Feeding Operation) Regulation (HF 873), the Trifectaphobic Democrat Majority appears determined to kill this bill, taking their cues from Culver’s newly overhauled Agribusiness Protection Committee. The only major environmentally-related bill still on the table is Governor Culver’s highly touted $100 million Power Fund. Although, given the amount of money raised for Iowa offices in last year’s elections and the descriptor “power,” it’s hard to tell if Culver’s talking about campaign or renewable energy funds.
But we cannot sit around and wait for politicians to take action to protect Mother Earth’s borders; we must take it upon ourselves to ensure Her safety.
Political Fallout’s Things YOU Can Do to Help Protect Mother Earth’s Borders:
1. Whenever somebody tells you Global Warming is a hoax, open up a can of Lysol on ‘em and spray it in their eyes and say, “How does that feel? You think Mother Earth likes it? Huh? Do you? Huh?” (Note: This is a dramatization and is only meant to be played out in your imagination.)
2. Participate in the “Litterbug Catch and Release Program.” Any time you see somebody litter or flick their cigarette butt on the ground, apprehend them and call the authorities, who will arrest them and either release them in the Iowa River or sentence them to hard time in the city land fill (formerly known as “The Dump”).
3. Play a rousing game of “Capture a Young Republican,” whose 2000 Earth Day motto was "EARTH FIRST! We'll log Earth first, other planets later!" Once all the Young Republicans in your area have been captured, have them deported to the Amazon Rain Forest, where we’ve already helped deplete a significant portion of their trees.
4. Bring in Iowa’s National Guard and have both remaining members take turns guarding Mother Nature’s borders around the clock, keeping Her secure from Us 24/7.
More Earth Day Fallout:
“Basu: Leadership key to environment” (Des Moines Register)
Bracket Bustin’ Badgers
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