Bush’s First Trip to Library May Prove Disastrous

Last night, President Bush took a gamble by embarking on his first planned trip to the White House Library, where he unveiled his “new” plan for Iraq to the American people. Albeit, this was not the Gambler’s first run-in with the library. Last week, Bush inadvertently stumbled upon the library and surprised the White House librarian. The Gambler attempted to save face by assuming his only poker face and asked the librarian if there were any remaining copies of the Cliffs’ Notes version of “The Iraq Study Group Report.” (Note: no copies were available, but Bush did check out the original text, which still resides on his bedside table, sandwiched between “Curious George Throws Kerosene into the Fire” and the most current “Maxim” magazine).

In last night's televised address, President Bush managed to capture the very same Bush-in-the-library look he had when confronted by the White House Librarian last week.

For all the flak President Bush has received for not reading, after last night’s address to the nation critics may be slow to criticize Bush’s reading habits (or lack thereof). Choosing to make a bad problem worse will only burn Bush’s legacy into the history books forever. The Commander in Chief (not to be confused with the “pet” name Bush uses for the First Lady when the two are in the same bed together) has decided to gamble on the Iraq War, committing another 21,500 troops to the effort. Although President Bush did admit to making a few mistakes, he still hasn’t been held accountable for his failed policies in Iraq.

Maybe the American people should hold Bush to the same accountability standards the federal government holds for teachers and public schools under the No Child Left Behind Act. This way we would have a clearer sense of Bush’s plan, which should include the following; clearly stated objectives, how he intends to implement his plan, what specific materials he will need to execute the plan (including costs), and how the plan will be evaluated to help show that progress has been achieved (e.g. benchmarks that address each one of his objectives).

Using this set of criteria, Bush’s plan fails before it even begins, since Bush has yet to clearly state specific objectives and outcomes of the War in Iraq. Sorry George, Democracy and Freedom cannot be accurately measured for progress (see America). Although the President did indicate that he would make it clear to the Iraqis that if they didn’t get their act together in an unspecified time, the plan he put on the table would no longer be open to the Iraqis.

Now it’s time for Congress to hold the Bush Administration accountable, using the very same repercussions used in the NCLB Act:

Step 1: If the Bush Administration fails to show improved progress and proficiency in the spread of Democracy after one year, they will be put on a “Watch" list. Congress will approve more spending on the Iraq War policy with the intent that the Administration will have a year to meet specific proficiency standards.

Step 2: If, after the one-year “Watch” period, the Bush Administration still fails to meet proficiency levels, they’ll be put on a “Warning” list.

Step 3: If the Bush Administration still shows no progress regarding the War in Iraq over the two-year period, it will be stripped of all Federal Funds and Congress will step in and take over administrative duties. In addition, any taxpayer who’s dissatisfied with the Iraq War will receive a voucher to apply their proportionate taxes on a program of their choice, preferably one that is showing progress.

Under these guidelines, the Bush Administration already surpassed Step 3 two years ago, so it’s time for Congress to step in and take over and shut down the Bush Administration, letting the taxpayers decide where their taxes should be re-appropriated (e.g. universal health care).

Until the President is held fully accountable for his actions, Political Fallout strongly recommends that George W. Bush should be permanently banned from the White House Library (after he returns the library's copy of the Curious George book of course).

We, the American People, cannot afford yet another disaster.

Texas Hold 'Em: Last Call for Escalation

Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and calm pulse to exterminate his kind. He is the only animal that for sordid wages will march out...and help to slaughter strangers of his own species who have done him no harm and with whom he has no quarrel. ..And in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for "the universal brotherhood of man"--with his mouth.

-Mark Twain; What is Man?

In an attempt to “Bring the public back to the war,” the Decider plans to address the nation tonight and sell his “new” strategy to the American people. Bring back? I’m sorry, but did I miss something here? I don’t recall taking a hiatus or commercial break form the Iraq War. It must be nice to have that luxury, eh George?

Despite popular opinion/criticism from military experts, the legislative majority, and the majority of American voters; it appears that the Decider has already decided. Political prognosticators project the Decider will call for an additional 20,000 to 50,000 troops to help escalate the War in Iraq. Tragically, the Decider has metamorphosed into “The Gambler,” playing a political game of no-holds-barred “Texas Hold ‘Em.” What are the stakes? Human lives. And it appears the Gambler has no qualms with upping the ante, tapping into the House bank for more soldiers to fuel his hand. It must be nice to have that luxury, eh George?

You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em,

Know when to walk away and know when to run.

You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.

There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealins done.

-Kenny Rogers; “The Gambler”

Tonight as we watch the Gambler attempt to make his case to the American people, we’ll assume the role as spectator as we watch him gamble our soldiers’ lives away, sacrificing Democracy in the process. Until then, it’s imperative that we know where our representatives stand and contact them, letting them know where We the People stand:

Senator Chuck Grassley: “Holde ‘em, ‘All in’…
"I think what he needs to do ... is make it clear - not to the American people but the Iraqi people - that this is your last chance if you want America's help getting you to a peaceful society. You have got to pick up an increasing amount of the responsibility yourself."

...and call Iraqi People”

That would be an agreement by the Iraqi prime minister to spend $10 billion of Iraq's own money and commit more Iraqi force against all violence, or "it'd be a waste of time to send more military in there," the senator said. Grassley said the Iraqi political component should be seen as the centerpiece of any new initiative.

Senator Tom Harkin: “Fold ‘em and Walk Away”
"My position is clear: There is nothing to be gained by escalating our involvement in Iraq and putting more of our brave young men and women in the midst of a civil war. The deteriorating situation in Iraq cannot be solved through military action. It requires a political solution."

Rep. Tom Latham: “Hold ‘em”

Bush's plan is that military forces led by Iraqis and supported by Americans would go in and clear out insurgents in Baghdad and Anbar province, then remain and hold the areas until some unstated time in the future.Latham said he is "extremely frustrated" by the war, and worried about U.S. troops, though he doesn't want the United States to sustain what would be perceived as defeat.

Rep. Steve King: “Hold and raise the stakes”

Bush's plans are consistent with policies King has long advocated to win the war on terror in Iraq."Whatever their strategy is, with 150,000 in the country right now, another 20,000, if they think they need them, I would never say no to that."

Rep. Leonard Boswell: Undecided

"Iowans are starting to wonder, where's the end to this?"

Rep. Bruce Braley: “Hold ‘em and see where the House stands”

Declined to comment until after the president's nationally televised speech, but spokesman Jeff Giertz said Braley is "opposed to a troop surge."

Rep. Dave Loebsack: “Fold ‘em and walk away”

A plan for additional troops should be called an "escalation" rather than a "surge." "I think it goes in exactly the wrong direction of what we should be doing at this point - I believe we should begin to de-escalate.”

In the meantime, although it may be too late to sway the Decider (if that was ever possible), be sure to sign the following online petitions:

Vilsack’s Petition, “Communities Opposed to Escalating the War Resolution”: http://www.tomvilsack08.com/page/s/resolution

MoveOn’s petition: No Escalation in Iraq
http://pol.moveon.org/pac/noescalation/?referring_id=9680-6881659-.jNrUH.OPle11zQ.xDDWfw

Joe Biden Announces "He’s Going to Be Joe Biden"

On last Sunday’s “Meet the Press” Senator Joe Biden announced he will seek the Democratic presidential nomination. Matter of factly, Biden told anchor Tim Russert, “I am running for president.”

To clear up any confusion among voters and Joe Biden himself as to who he is, the Delaware Senator confided: “I’m going to be Joe Biden, and I’m trying to be the best Joe Biden I can be.” Now that this is clear, voters are left asking:

So, is this the best Senator Joe Biden can be?

On a June edition of C-SPAN's "Road to the White House" Biden said, "In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."

Unfortunately, a number of local Deleware's Indian-Americans weren't amused by Senator Biden's attempt at reaching out to them:

Apu, a clerk at a convenience store in Springfield, exercised his 2nd Amendment right, arming himself against any future Senator Biden slips-of-the-tongue.

So, what do you think Senator Biden's campaign slogan should be? Be sure to participate in the poll, "No, I'm Joe Biden" (right column).

Hillary Reveals She’s a Man Trapped in a Woman’s Body After All

Polarized Hillary Clinton detractors, whose manhood has been threatened by a woman with power, have often speculated about Hillary’s gender. Some of the more insidious of these folks have argued that Hillary is not a woman – but a man.

Recent evidence suggests Hillary IS a man, but not just any man; why she’s John Edwards, her potential '08 presidential rival.

For those of you who need hard evidence, click here: edwards08.com

Now that the evidence is on the table, it shouldn't be confusing who's who in the next presidential campaign.

John Kerry (left), Hillary Clinton (middle), and Bill Clinton (right) get a good laugh after Bill and Hillary let Kerry in on Hillary's little secret.

'Fallout 2006 White Elephant Awards

“Political Fallout” proudly presents: The 2006 White Elephant Awards...

The Gifts that Keeps on Taking…

Traditionally, a white elephant is a valuable possession whose upkeep exceeds its usefulness, and it’s therefore a liability. The term derives from the sacred white elephants kept by Southeast Asian monarchs. Since then, a white elephant has taken on other connotations, especially in the U.S. where they’re rare – unless used to reference the GOP elephant after a lopsided defeat (e.g. 2006 midterm elections). Americans may also participate in a white-elephant gift exchange, wherein participants give away something they’ve had trouble giving away for whatever reason --usually because they received it as a gift from a close friend or relative, thus deeming the gift sacred-by-association (e.g. a sequined Christmas sweater from a great aunt, a porcelain Liberace statue from a grandmother, or a penis-shape toothbrush holder received from the maid of honor at a bachelorette party).

Without further adieu, here are the 2006 winners:

(Warning: Please remove shoes and socks before entering the “Money Pit” and swim at your OWN Risk!)

5. Iowa Values Fund: $50 million

This economic development gift became a hot item during the Democratic Primary race, when gubernatorial candidate Ed Fallon not only called into question the number of supposed jobs created, but some of the Fat Corporate Cats (e.g. Wells Fargo (left) who received some of the funds ($10 million in 2003). Granted, the Wells Fargo Arena did draw me into Des Moines to see the legendary rockers Bruce Springsteen and The Who, but my experiences at the concession stands (One Brat + One Beer = priceless) told me that Wells Fargo could’ve managed quite well without the Values Fund handout. (White Elephant set to expire in 2013)

After playing a scathing rendition of Pete Seeger's "Pay Me My Money Down," The Boss flips off the Wells Fargo corporate cronies stowed away in the luxury skyboxes.

4. Steve Alford: estimated upkeep = $1 million/year

Had Alford’s heavily favored team made it past the first round of the NCAA tournament last March, the Hawks could have passed this White Elephant off to some other sucker looking for a Bobby Knight clone to help revitalize their program. So what does outgoing athletic director, Bob Bowlsby, give Alford for blowing it? Answer: A one-year extension on his contract, which included a 16.7% bump in his annual base salary to $500,000. Add this to his endorsement deals, camps, apparel contracts and income from his radio show (he actually gets paid for this?), Alford’s annual salary is estimated at $925,000. In addition, Alford gets a longevity bonus of $300,000 each year he stays in his position. So what does Bowlsby’s replacement, Gary Barta, do to reward Alford? He extends his contract one more year, meaning we’re stuck with Alford until at least 2011. Not bad for the third best team in the state of Iowa this year (assuming the Hawks could beat the top ranked high school teams).

3. Outlawed Touch Play Machines: $40,200,000 (est. 6700 banished machines x $6000 = $40,200,000)

You can touch, but you cannot play. Iowans and politicians got very touchy about TouchPlay machines this year (even more so than the onslaught of bad puns on blogs). Both houses passed and Vilsack signed legislation in 2002 that opened the doors to TouchPlay machines, and businesses, who made good-faith agreements with the Iowa Lottery, invested in the machines at about $6000 a pop. Cha Ching! Within a year, TouchPlay machines began popping up all over Iowa, turning convenient stores into Super Convenience stores where patrons could buy food, cigarettes, alcohol, and also gamble at one stop. How convenient indeed. And now that the machines have been banished, lawsuits filed by businesses have been popping up in their absence. Although, no business has yet to win a suit, the state has to keep its lawyers’ coiffeurs full so they can defend the blitzkrieg of litigation. Who knows how much this will cost Iowa’s taxpayer in the future.

2. Iowa Rainforest (Earthpark):$180 million (-$50 million federal earmark)

Like the proverbial yuletide fruitcake, Grassley’s pet-earmark project keeps getting passed around, this years’ exchange being between Coralville and Pella – the latest proposed site of the Dutch Amazon Rain Forest. Move over Tulips, this town ain't big enough for the both of us. The initial costs of Earthpark are estimated at $180 million. While Senator Grassley has procured $50 million of the start-up costs, the burden to run this operation will inevitably fall upon the taxpayers, assuming the venture runs in the red. If the project ever goes through, it will probably go under within five years, before being outsourced to South America, where the day-to-day operations will be much cheaper.

1. The Occupation in Iraq Costs (Iowa): $2,693,615,000

God Joins the “War on Toms”

Good news on the “War on Toms” warfront: God has joined forces with “Political Fallout” to help close the “Friend Gap.” Despite the rumor that the “My” in My Space indicates the possessive of My Space Tom, ‘Fallout sources confirm that God’s realm does indeed extend to all nooks and crannies of cyberspace. Sorry, My Space Tom. You may have nearly 150 million friends, but when God wasn’t busy helping Al Gore create the Internet, She helped create your friends.

As history has taught us, with God on our side, we cannot lose, right? I feel blessed God could take time out of Her busy schedule to help our cause. I can only imagine that spreading Democracy to formerly despotic lands must not only be physically exhausting but mentally taxing as well. Not to mention, with the new members of the 110th Congress swearing in today, I imagine God will be ready for a Spring Break vacation in South Padre come March.

Join God today and help us close the “Friend Gap”:

http://www.myspace.com/politicalfallout

’08 Caucuses: Drafting Britney Violates “Separation of Politics and the Arts”

In the culture of fear-driven politics, it appears Iowa is afraid of losing its first-in-the-nation status. But hold on folks…

Have no fear, the Greater Des Moines Convention and Visitors Bureau is here!

The bureau’s film commission wants to mix politics with entertainment, which, by the way, is a direct violation of the unwritten clause of the Constitution which calls for the “separation of Politics and the Arts.” Both parties have already been pushing the limitations of this unwritten statute with their National political conventions -- glorified Infomercials filled with political speakers who’ve mastered the glazed-over Infomercial look that tells viewers “if you buy this product, you too will be perpetually stoned.”

The aim of the bureau is to spark nationwide appreciation and understanding of the presidential-nomination process. Organizers have already added Britney Spears and Lee Greenwood to their wish list to help communicate these objectives. So when Britney Spears breaks into a tawdry rendition of “Toxic” and belts:

There’s no escape/ I can’t hide /I need a hit/Baby, give me it /You’re dangerous/I’m lovin’ it …

People ignorant of politics and the caucus process will have a full understanding of not only how precinct delegates are chosen but what their specific duties and responsibilities will entail at the county level.

But again, the film commission is walking the fine line separating politics and the arts, claiming in their press release, “politics will be left at the door, but the window will be open to positive political satire.” Hmmmm…positive political satire, eh? This pretty much puts the kibosh on Stephen Corbert and pretty much any other satirist/comedian except Iowa’s very own Tom Arnold. (Anybody else smell a conspiracy theory here? First hosting Culver’s inaugural festivities in Iowa City, and now…)

(Disclaimer: The following attempt at political satire is meant to be taken in a positive light. The reader is solely responsible for anything that may be construed as negative and should read at their own risk.)

In lieu of a celebratory love fest, we should treat the presidential hopefuls as up-and-coming celebrities by hosting a political rendition of “American Idle.” Using the similar format to the ever-popular, “American Idol,” the hopefuls will perform a series of political acts such as an extemporaneous speaking game of “But I Don’t Have the Poll Numbers in Front of Me,” followed by an improvisation round of “Whose Democracy Is It Anyway?,” and then the final round when contestants get a chance to showcase their unique talents in “Stupid Politician Tricks.”

For all of you political paparazzis out there who hope the Greater Des Moines Convention and Visitors Bureau gets their wish, so you can snap a glimpse of Britney’s panty-less crotch, this should help appease you for now:
Don’t hold your breath too long; Political Fallout was able to contact Britney at home via telephone earlier today:

PF: What is your opinion about Iowa's Caucuses?

Britney: (long pause, babies crying in the background) I don’t know. I’ve never had one before. (hangs up)

Although if the gig does fall through, be sure to keep your cameras loaded; there’s always Hillary: