Thursday, February 22, 2007

Planet Hillarywood: The Cold Apology Wars

With the Oscars looming over the horizon, the political war in Hollywood picked up some steam this week as Hollywood political Diva, Hillary (Just Hillary) and political newcomer, Barack Obama, competed for Hollywood’s thirty pieces of gold. The Much-Adieu-About-Nothing drama was spurned by David Geffen’s latest betrayal of the Clinton campaign. Not only did Geffen switch allegiances to the Obama campaign, but he had some choice words for Hillary and Bill, calling Hillary “polarizing” and Bill “reckless.” It’s words like these that will help garner an NC-17 rating, should Hollywood make a motion picture about this trivial dispute. Although, before I’m willing to disavow Hollywood for its lack of creativity, I’m sure the media-sensationalized drama does have some ingredients for possible films in the not-so-distant future. The big question remaining is whether or not the film version should be a love story, a tragedy, or a dark comedy/satire? The answer to this depends on how the drama unfolds, eh?

Love Story

A Political Love Story: When Harvard Law School graduate Barack Obama, and Yale Law School graduate Hillary Clinton’s paths cross on their quest to become the next president, sparks fly. Hillary, the former First Lady, attempts to downplay her past, but when her husband’s monetary allegiances are severed, Hillary feels betrayed and lashes out at Obama. Ironically, given Hillary’s refusal to apologize for past decisions, Hillary calls upon Obama to apologize for the political slight, which prompts Hillary’s most memorable quote from the film (see below).

Memorable Quote

Hillary: “Running for President means not having to say you’re sorry.”


The Tragedy of Obama & Hillary: Two presidential candidates, bred of the same political party, compete for one seat in this tawdry tragedy that pits them against one another. Foiled by an ensemble of attack dogs and media hounds who attempt to trip up our young candidates, the candidates face one campaign hurdle after another as they set their sights for the finish line of the marathon.

Memorable Quotes


Two campaigns, both alike in enmity
(In fair America, where we lay our scene).
From ancient Hollywood breaks new mutiny,
Where contributions makes campaigns unclean.
From forth the pockets of loyal donors,
A pair of candidates vie for their gold;
Which serves to poison their war-chest coiffeurs --
Implying their vote can be bought and sold.
The fearful passage of truth yet be proved
And the continuance of supporters’ rage
Which, but media’s end, naught could remove
Is now the two days traffic of our stage;
The which, if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

Dark Comedy/Satire

Dr. Stangelovers: Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Obama: After an Obama supporter fires off a round of attacks on Hillary’s character, the Hillary Camp has to decide how they’ll retaliate, ideally before it’s too late. Knowing one misfire could lead to her own political destruction, Hillary gathers an ensemble of handlers to determine a suitable course of action. With the “Big Board” of poll numbers looming in the background, Hillary and her Handlers discuss all of the absurd possibilities in this mad-capped, yet scathing satiric portrayal of the high-stakes political process. At one point, Hillary actually decides to call Obama and offer a personal apology on the emergency hotline phone, but the discussion devolves into an anti-apologetic one-upmanship war (see memorable quote). The absurdity thickens when Camp Hillary splits and resorts to infighting over the prospects of an “anti-apology gap.”

Memorable Quote

Hillary: (talks to Obama on political hotline phone) Now then, Barack, you know we’ve talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the political campaign. Well now, what happened is one of my, I mean your supporters, David Geffen, sort of…well he went a little funny in the head…you know…just a little. And ah, he did a silly thing. He went and said a number of mean things about me and Bill. I know, Barack. Believe me, I know he doesn’t work for you, but he did raise a lot of money for you last night and I…True, yes this is true, he did raise a lot of money for Bill in the past. But I’m not calling you about the past…I know yesterday is in the past, but…could you please let me finish, Barack? This is a friendly call…Of course I’m telling you the truth. Despite what you heard Geffen say, Bill and I aren’t liars…yes…uh, huh…but I don’t see what sex has to do with the truth. Anyway, one of my handlers did something silly in return. He released a statement that called for you to disavow Mr. Geffen and tell him to give back the $1.3 billion dollars he raised for you last night. Now I’ve done something I swore I wouldn’t do, but one of my handlers inadvertently released a statement on my behalf that said I was sorry for these actions. You haven’t received it yet? I know, but it’s on its way, that’s why I’m calling you, Barack…because I’m not sorry about what my handler said. You’re not sorry? About my handler? Oh, about what Geffen said. I see, well I guarantee you that I’m not as sorry as you are. You say you’re not as sorry as me? Well just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I can’t be more not sorry than you. Don’t say that you’re not more sorry than I am, because I’m perfectly capable of being just as not sorry as you, in fact….hello? Hello? Barack? Barack? (Turns to handlers) He said he was going to go work on more important issues, issues that people actually care about, then he hung up on me. (shocked) He hung up on me, Hillary Clinton…