Friday, April 13, 2007

“If You Exempt It, They Will Come…”

WANTED: Hollywood Filmmakers to Shoot Your Film HERE

The VOICE from the Iowa cornfields whispered into our collective ears: “If you exempt it, they will come.”

And the prophecy caught a gust of wind and blew beyond Iowa’s borders, eventually resonating in the corporate enterprises, who found the answers blowing in the wind. En masse, they descended upon Iowa, seeking profits to fatten their underbellies.

And along came the corporate hog-farm producers, Wells Fargo and their posse of predatory lenders, Wal-Mart, riverboat and nonriver-boat Casinos, and others who found the answer blowing in the wind before descending upon the field of opportunities.

“Is this a Haven?”

“No, it’s Iowa.”

Welcome to Iowa: A Field of Economic Opportunities

And now Iowa has opened up the pearly gates of its tax haven away from haven to Hollywood filmmakers by providing them with a tax emption (25%) to shoot their films in Iowa. The only two catches to this tax break is that filmmakers have to drop at least $100,000 in Iowa, and they’re not shooting anything “obscene” (a euphemism for porno flick). Knowing the Adult Film Industry hasn’t shot a big-budget pornographic film since they were teenagers secretly watching their parents’ collection of big-budget porno films, lawmakers figured $100,000 would serve as a good deterrent and would help promote their scientifically-researched abstinence-laden “Safe-Filming” education policy.

According to proponents of the new bill, the tax exemption for filmmakers will help feed the tourist industry as onlookers spend money during the filming and at gift shops erected upon the film site after the shooting. Opponents of the bill fear the exemption will tap into Iowa’s leading tourist industry: The Presidential Caucus and Campaigning Tourist Industry. There should be plenty of greasy elbow room for both, and better yet, the presidential hopefuls should exploit this new tax loophole by filming their campaign in Iowa, so they can right off 25% of their expenses.

Political Fallout’s Working-Title Productions

The following are working titles of films about the current field of presidential hopefuls who are planning on spending a lot of face time in Iowa. See if you can match the presidential candidate with the respective title:

1. Diva Las Vegas!

2. The Burnt Bridges of Christian Conservative County

3. Dennis the Menace Strikes Again and Again

4. The Rabbit Hunter

5. Fields of Dreaming Illegal Immigrants

6. A Mill Worker’s Son

7. The First Wives Club III

8. An Inconvenient Truth II

9. The Last Temptation of Newt Gingrich

Answers: 9. Newt Gingrich, 8. Al Gore, 7. Rudy Giuliani, 6. John Edwards, 5. Tom Tancredo, 4. Mitt Romney, 3. Dennis Kucinich, 2. John McCain, 1. Hillary Clinton

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