Top 5 Things John McCain Would NOT Do to Win the Presidency (v. 1)

Last week, John McCain’s Straight Panderin’ Express jumped the track yet again, proving that McCain will say just about anything to win the '08 presidential election. After dropping a bomb on Rumsfled (yes, the misspelling is intentional), McCain unleashed his unchecked bravado upon big Dick.

McCain feels full extent of Cheney's sexually repressed powers as big Dick attempts to squeeze presidential life out of John

Now if you’re looking for a thoroughly documented account of what McCain is willing to do to win, go to “The Real McCain.” We at Political Fallout prefer the bigger challenge of speculating on what McCain will NOT do to win the presidency. This leads to the first rendition of:

The Top 5 Things John McCain Would NOT* Do (for Cheney) to Win the Presidency:

5. Wear his “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt while caddying for Dick on an Afghanistan golf course

4. Stop thinking of Dick when playing “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…” while tearing off G.I. Joe heads from his extensive collection

3. Make a spiritual trek to Oz to buy Dick’s heart back from local pawn shop

2. Dress up in Darth Vader costume and perform lap dance for Dick

1. Father Lynne Cheney’s second child (unless of course Dick told him to do it)

*Should John McCain do any of these things between now and the Presidential Election, Political Fallout cannot be held responsible for John Boy’s actions.

Iowa House Rising Up for the Dead!

Alice Cooper: Official Poster Muse of the Necrophilia Society

“I Love the Dead”

I love the dead before they're cold
They're bluing flesh for me to hold
Cadaver eyes upon me see nothing
I love the dead before they rise
No farewells, no goodbyes
I never knew your rotting face
While friends and lovers mourn your silly grave
I have other uses for you, Darling
We love the dead
We love the dead, Yeah

The Iowa House has slipped into full protectionist mode. First they set their sites on protecting minimum-wage workers, then potential bully victims, and now they’re extending their protectionist claws to the corpse community. Apparently there has been an insurgence of abuse in the human corpse community, thus prompting the Iowa House to introduce a not-in-my-back-yard bill (HF 432), which would extend protections to corpses. (Note to practicing Necrophiliacs: a bill on the books already protects corpses from people “knowingly and intentionally” engaging in a sex act with the deceased, so don’t get any crazy ideas.) The House merely wants to extend rights to corpses, making it a crime for a person to “mutilate, disfigure, hide, or bury a human corpse with the intent to conceal a crime.” All violations will be considered a class “D” felony, “punishable by confinement for no more than five years and a fine of at least $750, but no more than $7,500.”

I’m guessing this bill is meant to serve as a deterrent, so when somebody kills somebody, they’ll think long and hard about dismembering the body and hiding the remains under the floorboards? Or the guilt of committing such a heinous act, compounded by the looming possibility of fines or imprisonment, will inevitably force the alleged perpetrator to confess:

“Villians!” I shrieked, “dissemble no more! I admit the deed! – tear up the planks here, hear! – it is the beating of his hideous heart!” (Exhibit A: documented confession from Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart”)

If the House is genuinely serious about protecting and/or extending more rights to the human corpse community, they should consider putting more teeth into their bill by adding the following to the corpse abuse bill:

Add “corpse trait” to anti-bullying bill. This will not only help deter kids from picking on the dead, but it will help foster respect for their “nonliving peers.”

Corpse Tax Stamps. Using the Drug Tax Stamp as its model, the Internal Revenue Service should levy a tax on corpses. So if a person intends to sell a corpse, they’ll need to pay a corpse tax and receive a stamp to attach to corpse, thus indicating that the corpse bearer has paid the government its respective due. And if corpse peddlers fail to pay their tax burden and gets caught with an unstamped corpse, boy will they be wishing they had paid The Man.

Better yet, the House should focus their energy on extending more rights to the human corpse community. A good start would be allowing corpses to marry other corpses, extending them the same rights as living married couples (this includes living married couples whose relationship has died).

Human Corpse Community Battlecry: "All we are saying is give corpses a chance..."

God Attempts to Smite “His” Senator (Brownback) Again!

For the second time in as many months, God attempted to smite Senator Brownback in Iowa, unleashing a wicked ice storm on Iowans -- only to miss his intended target. Blessed with foresight, God’s Senator canceled yet another appearance in Iowa, fearing He would feel God’s wrath.

Due to downed power and telephone lines left in God’s smitten wake, God Himself could not be reached for comment on the alleged hit.

Bye, Bye, Vilsack…

It appears Tom Vilsack’s Rodney “No Respect” Dangerfield approach to gaining name recognition and winning the presidential nomination will come to an end today. Former Governor Vilsack is set to announce that he’s dropping out of the race. The competition for the Democrat nod priced Vilsack out of the race. But looking on the bright side, how many former governors have been on “The Daily Show” and Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show”? This is truly inspiring; it almost makes me want to run for governor of Iowa, serve two terms, then announce I’m running for president. This may be the only way I could land a spot on “The Daily Show.”

You better watch out Chet; my quest to appear on “The Daily Show” may be running through your office en route to Stewart's. You better hope Mr. Stewart invites me to be on the show before the next election…

Planet Hillarywood: The Cold Apology Wars

With the Oscars looming over the horizon, the political war in Hollywood picked up some steam this week as Hollywood political Diva, Hillary (Just Hillary) and political newcomer, Barack Obama, competed for Hollywood’s thirty pieces of gold. The Much-Adieu-About-Nothing drama was spurned by David Geffen’s latest betrayal of the Clinton campaign. Not only did Geffen switch allegiances to the Obama campaign, but he had some choice words for Hillary and Bill, calling Hillary “polarizing” and Bill “reckless.” It’s words like these that will help garner an NC-17 rating, should Hollywood make a motion picture about this trivial dispute. Although, before I’m willing to disavow Hollywood for its lack of creativity, I’m sure the media-sensationalized drama does have some ingredients for possible films in the not-so-distant future. The big question remaining is whether or not the film version should be a love story, a tragedy, or a dark comedy/satire? The answer to this depends on how the drama unfolds, eh?


Love Story

A Political Love Story: When Harvard Law School graduate Barack Obama, and Yale Law School graduate Hillary Clinton’s paths cross on their quest to become the next president, sparks fly. Hillary, the former First Lady, attempts to downplay her past, but when her husband’s monetary allegiances are severed, Hillary feels betrayed and lashes out at Obama. Ironically, given Hillary’s refusal to apologize for past decisions, Hillary calls upon Obama to apologize for the political slight, which prompts Hillary’s most memorable quote from the film (see below).

Memorable Quote

Hillary: “Running for President means not having to say you’re sorry.”

Tragedy

The Tragedy of Obama & Hillary: Two presidential candidates, bred of the same political party, compete for one seat in this tawdry tragedy that pits them against one another. Foiled by an ensemble of attack dogs and media hounds who attempt to trip up our young candidates, the candidates face one campaign hurdle after another as they set their sights for the finish line of the marathon.

Memorable Quotes

Prologue

Two campaigns, both alike in enmity
(In fair America, where we lay our scene).
From ancient Hollywood breaks new mutiny,
Where contributions makes campaigns unclean.
From forth the pockets of loyal donors,
A pair of candidates vie for their gold;
Which serves to poison their war-chest coiffeurs --
Implying their vote can be bought and sold.
The fearful passage of truth yet be proved
And the continuance of supporters’ rage
Which, but media’s end, naught could remove
Is now the two days traffic of our stage;
The which, if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

Dark Comedy/Satire

Dr. Stangelovers: Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Obama: After an Obama supporter fires off a round of attacks on Hillary’s character, the Hillary Camp has to decide how they’ll retaliate, ideally before it’s too late. Knowing one misfire could lead to her own political destruction, Hillary gathers an ensemble of handlers to determine a suitable course of action. With the “Big Board” of poll numbers looming in the background, Hillary and her Handlers discuss all of the absurd possibilities in this mad-capped, yet scathing satiric portrayal of the high-stakes political process. At one point, Hillary actually decides to call Obama and offer a personal apology on the emergency hotline phone, but the discussion devolves into an anti-apologetic one-upmanship war (see memorable quote). The absurdity thickens when Camp Hillary splits and resorts to infighting over the prospects of an “anti-apology gap.”

Memorable Quote

Hillary: (talks to Obama on political hotline phone) Now then, Barack, you know we’ve talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the political campaign. Well now, what happened is one of my, I mean your supporters, David Geffen, sort of…well he went a little funny in the head…you know…just a little. And ah, he did a silly thing. He went and said a number of mean things about me and Bill. I know, Barack. Believe me, I know he doesn’t work for you, but he did raise a lot of money for you last night and I…True, yes this is true, he did raise a lot of money for Bill in the past. But I’m not calling you about the past…I know yesterday is in the past, but…could you please let me finish, Barack? This is a friendly call…Of course I’m telling you the truth. Despite what you heard Geffen say, Bill and I aren’t liars…yes…uh, huh…but I don’t see what sex has to do with the truth. Anyway, one of my handlers did something silly in return. He released a statement that called for you to disavow Mr. Geffen and tell him to give back the $1.3 billion dollars he raised for you last night. Now I’ve done something I swore I wouldn’t do, but one of my handlers inadvertently released a statement on my behalf that said I was sorry for these actions. You haven’t received it yet? I know, but it’s on its way, that’s why I’m calling you, Barack…because I’m not sorry about what my handler said. You’re not sorry? About my handler? Oh, about what Geffen said. I see, well I guarantee you that I’m not as sorry as you are. You say you’re not as sorry as me? Well just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I can’t be more not sorry than you. Don’t say that you’re not more sorry than I am, because I’m perfectly capable of being just as not sorry as you, in fact….hello? Hello? Barack? Barack? (Turns to handlers) He said he was going to go work on more important issues, issues that people actually care about, then he hung up on me. (shocked) He hung up on me, Hillary Clinton…

OBAMA is Bigger Than Jesus

Before you get whipped up into a zealot-induced frenzy, run to the nearest book store, and purchase copies of Barack Obama’s last bestselling book, “The Audacity of Hope” – only to burn it publicly or watch your local radio DJ repeatedly run copies over with a steamroller -- let me clarify something for you, dear Reader. OBAMA is bigger than Jesus on My Space, not Our Space. Although, given Obama’s phenomenal rise of late, one could argue that he is giving the Savior a run for his money – at least in the world of politics.

So how would Jesus stack up against Obama in the ’08 Presidential Race?

Political Heavyweight Tale of the Tape

My Space Race





OBAMA: 42,704+

Jesus: 19,774+

Advantage: OBAMA

2. Age

Obama: 45

Jesus: 33

Advantage: None (Really an unfair advantage, given Jesus is not old enough to run for the highest seat in American politics, not to mention we don’t know what wisdom Jesus gained during his “lost years.” Oh, the bureaucracy of it all.)

3. Weight

Obama: The hopes of American voters who sense we can transcend the barriers of cynicism erected by the current status quo of “politics as usual.”

Jesus: The sins of all Man.

Advantage: OBAMA (Duh, hope floats.)

4. Reach:

Obama: Although Barack has been blessed with long, lanky arms, his message has just begun to reach out and extend to Americans and the global community. Although, keep an eye out for his political right jab.

Jesus: Has already built a solid political base, his message reaching out and resonating with key activists for over 2000 years. Not to mention, Jesus is well organized on the ground and has thousands of branch offices across the United States.

Advantage: Jesus (A 2000+ year head start is too big an obstacle to overcome in a single year.)

5. Political Experience

Obama: Despite his limited experience in political office (8 years in the Illinois Senate and just over one year in the U.S. Senate), Obama has been using this as a political asset, painting himself as a Washington D.C. outsider – especially his stance against the war in Iraq. Obama says he has enough experience in D.C. to know that the system needs fixing, if not a serious overhaul.

Jesus: Not only is Jesus the quintessential anti-war candidate, but his 2000+ year record as a political dissident speaks volumes (i.e. “The New Testament”). Jesus was persecuted for standing up against the Roman and Jewish authorities in favor of an alternate political view and social order that's more representative of the people.

Advantage: Jesus (Even though Obama gets bonus points via Alan Keye’s 2004 campaign pronouncement that “Christ would not vote for Obama,” he cannot overcome Jesus’ political dissident track record, thus giving the nod to Jesus.)

6. Foreign Policy Experience

Obama: Often times dogged for his supposed lack of foreign policy experience, Obama has actually lived abroad during his formative years -- unlike other political offiiclas who claim to have foreign experience, because they’ve talked extensively about it or flown over third-world countries in a helicopter.)

Jesus: Because of his “lost years,” it’s hard to gauge just how much Jesus learned abroad, but given the means of transportation (not including the ability to walk on water) and communication during his day, it’s safe to say Jesus didn’t wander too far from home.

Advantage: OBAMA

7. Gospels/Message

Obama: “Audacity of Hope” is currently #1 on the N.Y. Times Bestseller List (non-fiction) and #10 for all books purchased on Amazon.com.

Jesus: “The New Testament” – the highest ranked edition falls in at 92,925 on the Amazon rankings list for all books.

Advantage: OBAMA (Granted, more copies of “The New Testament” have been sold worldwide and it’s one of the highest ranking all-time bestsellers in America, but this doesn’t cut if for the next year of the political cycle. Besides, a lot of New-Testament-toting voters have only read selected parts and tend to forget all the Jesus parts when they're blinded by wedge issues.)

8. Rock-Star Status

Obama: The indisputable “King of Rock ‘n' Politics.” Obama draws nearly 3000+ fans at every mega-townhall campaign stop, drawing in record crowds and spawning new Facebook sites all over the virtual world.

Jesus: Closest ascent to contemporary rock infamy is the Broadway musical production of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”

Advantage: OBAMA

The ‘Fallout’s political tale of the tape gives Obama a 4-3 advantage over Jesus if the two were pitted against one another in the ’08 presidential election. So in this context, OBAMA is bigger than Jesus.

Gentlemen, start your steamrollers…

Dodd’s Nonbinding Metaphor Compares Iraq Resolution to Asparagus?

In an attempted figurative attack on the Senate’s non-binding resolution, Senator Christopher Dodd issued forth the following non-binding metaphor:

“We have a sense of the Senate on asparagus,” said Dodd. "They don’t mean a whole lot.”

The attempted metaphor is nonbinding, because there in no clear sense of how the two unlike things are being compared, unless Dodd knows something about asparagus he’s not sharing with us. Let’s take a closer look at Dodd’s intentions through a metaphoric lens.

First, Christopher Dodd “had proposed an alternative to the non-binding resolution, formally known as the “sense of the Senate.” Dodd’s binding resolution would have had more teeth in it, calling for more accountability. So Dodd’s non-binding metaphor suggests the non-binding resolution that failed was his binding resolution – only “on asparagus”? Why asparagus? Did he mean to say asparagus? Or I shudder to ask, was this some kind of Freudian slip?

The bigger question is how does something abstract change when it’s on asparagus, or how does asparagus alter its previous state? Was Dodd trying to convey that when a non-binding resolution is on asparagus, the new altered state:

a) Leaves a bad taste in your mouth (assuming you don’t like asparagus)
b) Makes people engage in a never-ending line of argumentation that begins and ends with “Yeah, but…”
c) Makes your pee smell funny the next day
d) All of the above

If this wasn’t confusing enough, Dodd attempts to extend the non-binding metaphor: “They don’t mean a whole lot.” So is the “they” the Senate? If so, do they not mean a lot because they’re on asparagus? Or does the addition of asparagus render nutritive “meaning”?

Senator Dodd (or campaign staff member), if you’re reading this post and you’ve made it this far, Political Fallout would like to offer the following suggestion when drawing out non-binding resolution comparisons in the future. In the vein of a more risky, Dr. Strangelovian approach, we suggest:

The non-binding Iraq Resolution is a publicly displayed masturbatory exercise where everybody gets five minutes to show their stuff, but in the end, the only ones getting screwed are the American public.

Dear Readers, please forgive me for this non-binding post about semantic nothingness and Strangelovian slips of the tongue. Either it’s the asparagus talking or the asparagus made me do it. Regardless of the cause, I know one thing for certain: my pee sure is going to smell funny tomorrow morning.